Yesterday would have been my seven year wedding anniversary, but we lost my dear husband in December. I was a wreck all day, hiding in the bathroom to cry most of the day. I just miss him so much and we were so happy. Just another hard road stop of this journey of grief. Maybe I have been a little numb the last few months, I know I have most of the time actually. Yesterday the pain was so raw and so intense. I tried to embrace and sob every time I felt like crying and the tears never really went away. A funny thing happened that gave me a little reprieve from the sadness for a short time. It was at the end of my work day and I was on the phone with my mom sobbing. Generally at the end of the day it is just me and the foreman of the factory. I was sitting there crying and talking and I hear the door open and two steps walk in and then immediately turn around and walk out. It made me laugh. I wouldn't have known what to say to me before this and to be honest I probably still don't know what to say. Everyone is different and the intensity of the pain feels different for me every day.
I had been on the phone with my mom explaining to her that I couldn't mom last night. I have a four and a two year old and I couldn't buck up and stop the tears to be the mom they would need so they stayed with my mom and sister and had a great time with their cousin. Another sister met me at my house bearing tacos and rum and coke. We played video games, watched the warriors and she cried with me while she held me. I miss my husband so much, he was perfect and now that he is gone he has no way of disproving that so he will always just be the perfect guy that I almost got to married to for 7 years.
Today I felt lighter, less raw, and a little hopeful. I made it through yesterday. I joked with the foreman this morning about how his quick exit made me laugh. He even said he was coming back in to talk to me as he saw me leaving. I guess he had gotten a chance to have an idea of what to say. I have three sisters that all rotate and hover, ready to step in any time they need to lift me up or to hold me while I am down. I no longer have that perfect guy and there will be plenty of more days when I don't feel like I can mom or be me or not sob uncontrollably every chance I get. I feel like the unluckiest person at times, but deep down I know I still have a lot to be thankful for, a lot of things I am lucky to have. Happy Anniversary Lovebug.