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Yesterday would have been my seven year wedding anniversary, but we lost my dear husband in December.  I was a wreck all day, hiding in the bathroom to cry most of the day.  I just miss him so much and we were so happy.  Just another hard road stop of this journey of grief.  Maybe I have been a little numb the last few months, I know I have most of the time actually.  Yesterday the pain was so raw and so intense.  I tried to embrace and sob every time I felt like crying and the tears never really went away.  A funny thing happened that gave me a little reprieve from the sadness for a short time.  It was at the end of my work day and I was on the phone with my mom sobbing.  Generally at the end of the day it is just me and the foreman of the factory.  I was sitting there crying and talking and I hear the door open and two steps walk in and then immediately turn around and walk out.  It made me laugh.  I wouldn't have known what to say to me before this and to be honest I probably still don't know what to say.  Everyone is different and the intensity of the pain feels different for me every day.  

I had been on the phone with my mom explaining to her that I couldn't mom last night.  I have a four and a two year old and I couldn't buck up and stop the tears to be the mom they would need so they stayed with my mom and sister and had a great time with their cousin. Another sister met me at my house bearing tacos and rum and coke.  We played video games, watched the warriors and she cried with me while she held me.  I miss my husband so much, he was perfect and now that he is gone he has no way of disproving that so he will always just be the perfect guy that I almost got to married to for 7 years.  

Today I felt lighter, less raw, and a little hopeful.  I made it through yesterday.  I joked with the foreman this morning about how his quick exit made me laugh.  He even said he was coming back in to talk to me as he saw me leaving.  I guess he had gotten a chance to have an idea of what to say.  I have three sisters that all rotate and hover, ready to step in any time they need to lift me up or to hold me while I am down.  I no longer have that perfect guy and there will be plenty of more days when I don't feel like I can mom or be me or not sob uncontrollably every chance I get. I feel like the unluckiest person at times, but deep down I know I still have a lot to be thankful for, a lot of things I am lucky to have.  Happy Anniversary Lovebug.

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Comment by MsMouse on April 25, 2017 at 10:31am

My husband passed away January 8th of this year.  We were married for 13 years.  Our anniversary is May 24th and it would have 14 years.  I already know I'm taking that day off from work.  I don't think I can face anyone that day.  My daughter is encouraging me to go to church that evening.  I've been doing good with all this.  He was my love, we had a very spiritual marriage and I know where he is.  But I miss him on this earth.  Thank you for sharing your story.

Comment by Orb101214 on April 25, 2017 at 7:54am

Thank you all!  I am so glad I found this community to share my thoughts and feelings and to get so much love and support back!

Comment by underthefarmhouse on April 19, 2017 at 4:31pm

What a beautiful photograph, it's so obvious how much you two loved one another. You are lucky to have a supportive family, that is a blessing for you. I'm glad you have those people in your life. My first wedding anniversary without my Morris was horrible, I cried just as much as you did, and it's OK not to be OK. It's been 14 months for me, and I still cry every day. Not as much as I used to, though. Thank you for your beautiful story, remember that love never dies. I believe we all carry our beloved departed ones in our heart and soul. Take good care of yourself and l am glad your family surrounds you with love. 

Comment by Callie2 on April 17, 2017 at 7:40pm
So very sorry for your recent loss. I certainly remember that first anniversary alone-it was two weeks after he passed. All the "firsts" are really hard but you will get through them. It must be very difficult having young children and trying to keep composed and functioning yet go to work too! Glad to hear you have good support. Thanks for sharing your pic, quite a lovely shot. Sending hugs to you.
Comment by Artist Suzanne on April 11, 2017 at 2:02pm

It gets easier especially after two years. My partner died 7 years ago in January and it is better now but I still have a day when I miss him so much it's hard to go on. Luckily I have 5 children and they help me when I let them know.  Hang on. It does get better.   Love Suzanne

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