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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Our wedding anniversary is tomorrow.

Tomorrow is our anniversary.  Tomorrow is our second anniversary since he died.  Tomorrow is a day that we should be celebrating together.  Anniversaries are like that, not something you can celebrate alone.  So it will just be me remembering it I guess, can't think of any reason why anyone else will remember.

For our anniversary four years ago our children gave us a large photo in a silver frame, a colorized version of our wedding group.  I love it and it hangs where I can see it when I sit down of an evening.  But just lately looking at it has made me feel sad so maybe I will put it on one of the other walls so I don't see it all the time. It is like looking at a dream, or a favorite place where you know you are never going again.

I am feeling sad again, alone again, without a purpose again.  I wish there was an easy way forward.   I do have plenty to keep me busy but still too much thinking time.  I wish I could find a way of shutting out some of the thoughts that bring on the loneliness.  I am an outgoing person most of the time so do take the most from social encounters, morning teas, lunches, social gatherings etc but there is still that feeling of isolation when I walk back in the door after being out.

I wonder how people who are single get to feel okay about it, how they built contentment into their lives? I want to ask them how they feel when they hear the silence in the night, because that is one of the worst moment for me some nights.  I used to wake up and hear Ray breathing...somehow that was comforting.

Maybe what you have not had you do not miss? I have recently been speaking to a group of widows that have been widowed ten years or more and they seem okay with life.  I don't know any of them well enough to ask them how they came to the point of contentment with where they are, with being alone.  I know it is something I need to learn to do.  To walk into the house with the same thankfulness that I am home that I used to have when Ray was here with me.

All transitions are hard and some are harder than others.  I don't cry all the time any more, most of the time I just do what is ahead of me.  I don't think "I'm a widow", I hardly bother to tell other people I am a widow unless someone asks about my marital status or questions me about Ray.  I still occasionally meet someone who doesn't know he died almost two years ago.  Maybe they have met me since but just never asked.

I do want some feeling of being settled now, settled into the aloneness without the loneliness, I want to feel comfortable with the silence, I need to learn to be content with the lack of excitement, the lack of variety in my life.  I want to be able to plan for my own future, dream my own dreams.  But I am still in my mind half married, half widowed if you understand what I mean.

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Comment by only1sue on July 29, 2014 at 4:18am

I survived the day.  I just took life easy and ate well, exercised a bit and tried to think about the blessings in life instead of the negatives.  The older widow I took to church as she got out of my car did ask me if anything was wrong and I told her about the anniversary. She said she remembered the first few years after her husband died and how hard it was.  There are people out there who do understand, they may not say anything and mostly don't but they do understand our pain.

Comment by Lakelady on July 27, 2014 at 6:04pm
I am still too new, too close (three months out tomorrow), but I appreciate your blogs and thoughts. I am sending (((((hugs))))) and a wish for you to find that contentment you seek.
Comment by Lady v on July 27, 2014 at 1:05pm
You write so beautifully from the heart. I a only 18 weeks out. Would love to connect more with you
Comment by Marti on July 26, 2014 at 9:51pm
I do understand. I hope tomorrow is as easy as it can be for you. You'll be in my thoughts.

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