Tomorrow is our anniversary. Tomorrow is our second anniversary since he died. Tomorrow is a day that we should be celebrating together. Anniversaries are like that, not something you can celebrate alone. So it will just be me remembering it I guess, can't think of any reason why anyone else will remember.
For our anniversary four years ago our children gave us a large photo in a silver frame, a colorized version of our wedding group. I love it and it hangs where I can see it when I sit down of an evening. But just lately looking at it has made me feel sad so maybe I will put it on one of the other walls so I don't see it all the time. It is like looking at a dream, or a favorite place where you know you are never going again.
I am feeling sad again, alone again, without a purpose again. I wish there was an easy way forward. I do have plenty to keep me busy but still too much thinking time. I wish I could find a way of shutting out some of the thoughts that bring on the loneliness. I am an outgoing person most of the time so do take the most from social encounters, morning teas, lunches, social gatherings etc but there is still that feeling of isolation when I walk back in the door after being out.
I wonder how people who are single get to feel okay about it, how they built contentment into their lives? I want to ask them how they feel when they hear the silence in the night, because that is one of the worst moment for me some nights. I used to wake up and hear Ray breathing...somehow that was comforting.
Maybe what you have not had you do not miss? I have recently been speaking to a group of widows that have been widowed ten years or more and they seem okay with life. I don't know any of them well enough to ask them how they came to the point of contentment with where they are, with being alone. I know it is something I need to learn to do. To walk into the house with the same thankfulness that I am home that I used to have when Ray was here with me.
All transitions are hard and some are harder than others. I don't cry all the time any more, most of the time I just do what is ahead of me. I don't think "I'm a widow", I hardly bother to tell other people I am a widow unless someone asks about my marital status or questions me about Ray. I still occasionally meet someone who doesn't know he died almost two years ago. Maybe they have met me since but just never asked.
I do want some feeling of being settled now, settled into the aloneness without the loneliness, I want to feel comfortable with the silence, I need to learn to be content with the lack of excitement, the lack of variety in my life. I want to be able to plan for my own future, dream my own dreams. But I am still in my mind half married, half widowed if you understand what I mean.