Hi everyone. I've been feeling very overwhelmed with life's changes lately. Also have been extremely reflective of my past. I am currently 53, turning 54 in April. As I look back over my life, starting back in my early childhood, the overall feeling I have is gratitude, grateful for the people I have known and loved, grateful for most of the characters that have entered and left my life. I have had many, many wonderful, crazy, fun experiences, experienced such tender love, have truly been so happy in my life at times, I remember thoughts of "this is heaven" and just being so joyful, grateful and at peace. But part of this life has also included tremendous pain, loss and devastation when these parties have been taken, or left my life. Yes, it's part of life. Nobody escapes it, unless we ourselves are the ones to leave early, before we experience love or loss. I have experienced what I consider, a lot of loss, from a fairly early age. When I was 11 yrs old, in school, there was a boy that moved into our neighborhood named Glen. As it turned out, we were in the same class in school and his first day, the teacher introduced him to our class and it turned out he sat down in desk right next to me. I remember him as he stood in front of our class, teacher arm around him, I thought, "we are going to be best friends". We were. It was as though we had known each other for 50 yrs. we quickly became inseparable, spending every day together, he was so funny, so hysterical, he made me laugh so hard. The things we experienced together, we "came out of the closet" together at 15, dated, went to our first gay bars together, explored becoming adults together and so on. I experienced my first alcohol, first joint, first loves, it was all so fun, crazy. In 1982, we were 20yrs old and I remember the call from him stating, "I have AIDS". At that time, I had never heard about it, it wasn't in the media yet, but very soon after, it hit the media. It was so scary and crazy. Glen struggled with his health up and down for many yrs. tried various medications with horrible side effects. We remained very close, although he moved to Vancouver BC in 1984 to follow a beautiful cowboy he had met and fell in love with, and I moved to Indianapolis in 1988 with my partner, we spoke daily and took turns flying across the country every few months to spend a week or two together. 1993, he came to Indy to visit my partner and I for a month. I had set up a side trip for us, to surprise him, to Washington DC for a long weekend. Just glen and I. We had a lovely time, found a nightclub that was playing all the music from the 70s, that we both loved and we danced for hrs. I remember leaving the club, we could barely walk, from dancing all night in our cowboy boots, we were trying to find a cab to take us back to our hotel, and glen was saying one liners, 1 after another, I was laughing so hard, I could barely breathe, as we walked down the street at 3am, carying our boots, barefoot, looking for a cab. When we got back to Indy, woke up the following morning, glen wasn't well, he looked and felt horrible. He wanted to go home early. We got his flights moved up and he flew back to Vancouver the next day. This was the beginning of the end. Glen grew increasingly tired, he looked horrible at 31, he told me he was tired and was ready to die. I took a month off from work while glen moved to Texas to be with his parents, I flew down to Dallas and spent a few weeks with him, curled up on the sofa together, sleeping in the same bed with him, I didn't want him to be alone, I wanted to be there for him if he woke and was sick, or scared. The conversations we had during those weeks, laughing, crying, reflecting over all the times we had shared, he told me how much he loved me and cherished our friendship, he passed on July 3rd, 1993 at 31 yrs old. I was so lost after his passing, it was so hard to learn how to live without his daily phone calls, our times together, our always planning trips and things to do. I still haven't found another friendship like we had. Since Glen's passing, I have loved many, my partner whom I met with Glen in a nightclub, at 17, was wonderful man. I loved him so completely, we shared 30 yrs together and like glen, Mike was diagnosed with fatal illness when I was 45 yrs old. We fought it hard, I was by his side 24-7-365, and again, I heard the words from someone I loved so much, "I'm tired babe, you need to prepare, I'm going to die soon". He passed when I was 47, after almost 31 yrs together. So grateful for the love we shared, times we spent, we knew ea other so well, understood each other so well, and again, I was left behind, trying to figure out how to put my life together, how was I going to live without him in my life. Of course through all these yrs lost many to drug overdose, alcoholism, accidents, stroke, (had wonderful friend Alan for several yrs), we were becoming very close, he had this very weird habit of pinching his nose when he sneezed, I remember having dinner with him near his home in Virginia, and he sneezed, and pinched his nose as he sneezed. "I told him, "Alan" you have to stop that, you are going to hurt yourself with that habit". The following week after I had returned to Indy, I was calling him daily to see if he was still coming to Indy that following weekend, and no answer, no return call. A mutual friend I had spoke with, telling him I was worried about Alan, who lived in Washington, drove over to Alan's and broke into his apartment to find him dead at 40, on his kitchen floor, from a brain aneurism. After Mike passed, it was soon discovered that my father was suffering from dimensia. Slowly over the following months and yrs, I took over my parents lives, sold their home, moved them down to San Diego with me, and recently went through process of hospice, and dad passing on February 12th. I have mom with me and I am doing my best to help her, be there for her while she adjusts to being a widow, after 58 yrs of marriage to my father. Also, last November, mikes mom whom I'm very close with was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and is non treatable, Drs gave her 4-6 months in November. It was very bizarre driving mom to visit dad in hospice, talking to Drs and nurses about dads condition, making decisions for him about feeding tubes and stopping food and so on, then driving mom home, getting her dinner, then lieing down in my bedroom to rest, having mikes mom call me to discuss her scan results and the horrible outcomes of these tests, discussing bringing hospice into her home, us discussing our lives together for the past 36 yrs, discussing Mike, my partner and her son, and preparing to let her go as well. It's a very bizarre time. I'm completely surrounded in death, life's passage, after dad passing, now mikes mom, and my mom loosing her memory, it's just very terrifying, scared to be all alone on the planet and left as an adult??? I'm not ready for that! Lol. There has to be some mistake, right???