He lay in the bed day after day
Unable to survive in May
Lung cancer will pay
--- written by his princess
My daughter is 9 and she has vowed to "destroy lung cancer"
I try to be as supportive as I can and encourage her. I also reassure her that if she changes her mind and does not want be a researcher that's ok. She also feels like she has to like everything he liked. She's having trouble in school with a subject that he excelled in, I can see herself beating her self up because she's not doing well and she does not like it. I've told her it's ok, she doesn't have to like everything Daddy liked.
As I sit here and read what I just wrote I guess I'm finally starting to use the past tense. I haven't done that before, it makes me sad and a little ashamed. I suppose subconsciously I'm accepting he is the past and no longer my future. There is a battle between my soul and the part of my brain that is analytical. I'm struggling to let go of the pain, but the pain is what helps me remember him so vividly. It's hard to find a happy medium, it's hard to find a happy anything really. It's either a great day (usually because I'm busy at work) & not all of my thoughts are of him or it's just a horrendous day and everywhere I look or everything I see reminds me of him.
Today was different, I would say it was 55% busy/great and 45% grief. I don't know if that's a good or bad or nothing at all. Tomorrow is a day off from work and I don't know which way the balance will tip.