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This past week my counselor wanted me to start a small leaf fire and drink a beer every day, my counselor said and I do quote " I am going to have to explain how I am instructing a patient to start a fire and drink"  if you think about it, it is actually funny. 

The reason he had me do this was every fall my husband and I would rake up the leaves and then we would basically start a big fire, we have a ton of trees in our yard, and we would always have a beer or two while we kept an eye on the fire.

I have not touched my yard, except to go over it with the riding mower in over a year.  the leaves are every where and the layers are just going to get a little bit deeper as the memories are really hard to deal with it.  Now it is more of a chore instead of something fun. 

Sitting in our chairs, listening to our music together, the smell of fall in the air, listening to the crackling of the fire and talking.  My God, how I miss his voice his laughter, what I would not give for just one more day with him, but like the song, even just one more day would not be enough.  I know that but it does not stop the longing in my heart to have it. 

Needless to say, I could not get the burn permits for the fires even if they were small fires, as it has been too dry and I just could not drink a beer alone.

So, I guess I just have to start over.  This week was not a success.  Learning to desensitize is not an easy task, but I need to learn how to minimize the hurt and pain so I can live and so I can enjoy my life, even if I never have anyone serious in my life, I have to continue to live my life for me and I know my Steve would not like seeing me cry all the time.  He hated it when I cried because it would make him cry.  Yes, my husband would cry with me, we would watch a movie and if it had tear jerking moments, I would start sniffling and trying to hide the tears and he would put his arm around me pull me close to him and I would hear him trying to hide his sniffling. Any ways I went off on a memory and I am smiling but the tears are rolling so I am going to close this for now.  Wish me luck in the counseling journey


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