A couple of nights ago I had a meltdown. I wanted someone to be here with me. I didn't want to be here alone and lonely any more. I wanted a new partner and I wanted them NOW. If Ray wasn't coming back, and he doesn't not even appear in my dreams, then someone ought to take his place, as my lover, as my partner and perhaps as my husband. My kids do keep reminding me that as a Christian woman I have to adhere to certain standards, no live-in partner for me it has to be marriage or some kind of distant friendship only.
I have got to the stage where I don't want to go on alone any more. I have had enough of grieving. I want NORMAL to make a reappearance in my life. How stupid is that? As if putting someone into my life in the place of my late husband would work. Who am I kidding? But it is an honest wish - I do want a new partner, probably not right away but some time in the future. It will be three years on the 19th September since Ray died. It will be Father's Day the first Sunday in September and his birthday two days later. I hate September with all of it's reminders of what I used to have and what I do not have now.
Since it is still winter here and still cold and the days are short I am having more than usual trouble with loneliness. The six weeks in England with their long summer evenings, with the company of others, with something to do every day spoilt me for the solitude I so often find here in winter. I can look out after 5pm and there is no-one outside, nothing moving except the people in their cars hurrying back to their nice warm homes, no dogs barking, no children playing, it is just another dark evening in late winter. Of course there is the usual handwork to do, the old movies to watch, the sorting and decluttering to do if I wanted to do it, but there is no-one to talk to, no-one to sit with, no-one to snuggle with ( the thing I miss the most) in summary no-one to do anything with.
I have heard of skin hunger and I am feeling that loss again now. In a week if I stayed home I might see a dozen people, none of whom are going to be more than polite, stop for a little chat, smile, laugh maybe but none of them are going to reach out and touch me, hug me or hold me, We may be neighbours but we are not on those kind of terms. About four times a month I go to one of my dinners and a couple of older friends will hug me or give me a peck on the cheek. None of them have a big place in my life, I am grateful for them but they are not the "special" person i have yet to find.. At church on Sundays one or two of the older ladies will give me a peck on the cheeks, most people shake hands in silence, it is a conservative church and not a lot of hugging seems to take place there these days.
So what is it that I feel? I feel frustrated and sometimes angry at what is happening in my life. I am growing older and like it or not I am at the age where single women outnumber men times three at least. I am at the age where I feel I do not have a lot of offer to a partner. I am not pretty or sexy or even attractive. I am average for my age. I am a woman who has grow older with wrinkles and laugh lines and bits here and there that now sag and fold and look awkward. Hey! look in the mirror in the morning and see what you see looking back at you if you are my age. It is not a pretty sight. I go to food courts in the local shopping centres, the local cafes and restaurants and see hundreds of women just like me, some more carefully dressed and made up maybe but basically just like me, widowed women, divorced women, women who have never married sipping coffee, people watching, passing time, just like me.
But I have been through a lot of things in my life and know that nothing is forever, time moves on and things change, Some of my kind friends to cheer me up say: "You never know what is around the next corner" and while that is true, I feel like I am on the Gun Barrel Highway, the longest, straightest road in Australia. I really do. I feel as if any corner ahead is a really long way ahead. All I can see is this long straight road disappearing into the distance. And maybe that is the way it is for now. Maybe I need more time to pass, more time to prepare for what is to come, more time to reflect on what has been. There is no fast track to the future, as usual I have to take it one day at a time.
Maybe if I had a time machine I could wind it past September, so no anniversary, no Father's Day without a father and grandfather to honour on that day, past Ray's birthday (he would have been 73). And then I would be in October, a month into Spring. But someone on here would say: " I hate October it is his birthday,( or our anniversary).." or many other things that remind us daily of what we have lost. Because for each of us our loss is unique, we have the suffering, pain and sorrow in common but the memories are our memories alone. And each of us is journeying one day at a time.