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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I am still rebuilding my life after losing my husband. But it's so different without him. We were together 33 years. I feel like a completely different person, left alone.

Each year since his death in 2007 brought some healing. At first I went on because I kept waking up. The sun got up, so I did, too, but I was still in shock. Then I decided I had to go on because I had two daughters, both young adults. They had lost their dad. They needed me. Later I just put one foot in front of the other.

I tried keeping busy, doing a lot of volunteer work, trying to rebuild some kind of life. I stopped crying all the time. And I even began to feel happiness and a little normalcy as our lives moved forward. One daughter married, and I have a grandson now. He is a bright spot in my life though I can't help thinking about how much my husband would have loved being with him.

Now, I'm not sure what to do. I just turned 63. I miss him. I'm trying to continue to move forward. What's next? I wish I knew.

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Comment by bis4betsy on October 7, 2015 at 7:25pm

Feel like I'm right there with all of you!  It's been 6 years for me and while things are different there is not a day that goes by that I wish he was still here.  We were together for 30 years, married for 27.  Every year does bring some healing, but all you need is that one little reminder to knock you off your feet and the tears start flowing.  Today it was a song on the radio. sigh.  hugs to you all and I'm sorry we're here but so glad for sharing your hearts with strangers!

Comment by Hope on October 5, 2015 at 4:41pm
Lil, I sent you a friend request.
Comment by Hope on October 5, 2015 at 2:30pm
I understand about the triggering. You really have a load to carry. We can email. I'm new to this site. Is there a way we can private message through Widowed Village? If not, give me your email and I'll write to that address. I have a meeting (diabetes support) at 7, but I will get back to you later tonight. Meanwhile, take a deep breath and try to relax, at least for a few moments. It's hard, but it can help.
Comment by Lil on October 5, 2015 at 12:19pm


Hi Hope, what a beautiful name!

Thank you for responding to me, would you rather we email, or just on here. I wondered if you would answer me, and I am so happy you did. I am so heart sick about my 'baby' youngest daughter, leave in 3 days, that I can hardly go through an hour or more without crying. I keep it to myself, but Susie has always been able to see through me. She doesn't even look happy anymore about moving. Her fiancé is now sick and he didn't take time off work, nor will he. But my oldest daughter 35 Annie has an auto-immune disease called Scleroderma, and she CAN'T get sick!  She already has very small amount of her lung left and she is always in pain! I don't want her to go there and catch a cold or anything, but listen to me. Its like they are all my babies again and I'm trying to protect them. (I am crying so much right now, I can barely see the words). They will always be my babies, even though they all in their 30's except Susie won't me 30 until March '16. My daughter Elizabeth 31 on Halloween, told me yesterday, when we were just the two of us, she said, 'you'll have to get used to it Mom! And we are not all going all at the same time," I said, 'thank you!"  I just don't how I am going to get through this, when no one understands me. I know they HAVE to have their own life. I WANT THEM TO!  I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY!!!  But the mother in me says, 'don't leave me, don't go!' (I can't see the words!)  This is almost as hard as Max passing away! He left me and is never coming back!!! NEVER!!!!!!!  At least, I pray, my kids will come back. I pray they will phone me. I pray that they will say 'I love you Mom!'  I never was told 'I love you when I was growing up, my 3 older siblings and Mom and I were terrified of my father!  There were never words of love! I miss my husband telling me he loves me, and holding me and keeping me safe and close in his arms. I miss being loved!!!!! Yes Hope, I will write back to you, if you want and I need you too. And you're right even seeing your words "I'm here, I hear you!"  It does feel nice to hear that you (who doesn't even know me, can relate to me and say, I hear you!"  Thank you Hope, I don't want to keep you so long. Thanks for caring about me. I care about you too in your grief!  I am just very, very, sad right now, and it is triggering me back to when Max died. Even though I know my daughters are not. They are just moving away!


Comment by Hope on October 5, 2015 at 9:35am
Both of you touched my heart with your comments. There must be many more people like us out there all over the world. Connecting like we are doing here is so helpful. We don't have to carry this pain alone. About a year after my husband died, I found a support group. It made so much difference. The pain was still there, of course, but knowing I could talk to others who knew what I was going through made it a little easier to bear. And, Lil, I can tell you that your children will still need you after they go out on their own. Maybe in a different way. But they will need you to lead the family. I learned that I could step back and let them go, that they would return, that we might argue or do things differently, that they worried about me even when it looked like they didn't. I found times when I had to step out on my own. They were watching. They followed. It's different when they leave home, but it's what we want for them, isn't it? If our husbands were with us, I think it would be easier. And I am at another one of those crossroads. Maybe I should call them hurdles. It seems they come around regularly, but if we deal with each one, we move forward. At first I didn't even know how to put a credit card into a pump at the gas station. My husband had always done that. Silly as it sounds, I didn't know what to do. But I can do that now without even thinking about it. And that is one small victory. I used to write down things like that. I'm facing a big hurdle now. I've been thinking about dating. Even typing those words makes me cringe. I can't decide if I should look for someone to share the rest of my life with or not. I still love my husband so. But I miss having someone, even just a friend, who cares about me, someone to go out to eat with. It's a big hurdle. It feels so strange to even think about. But my husband isn't coming back. That's what I really want. What do you do when what you want is impossible? That is our challenge. I hope you will write back. We all need each other. Even if it is just to say, "I'm here. I hear you."
Comment by Lil on October 5, 2015 at 9:05am

Hi Hope, My husband passed away in 2007 too. We were married 30 years.  I also feel so much of what you feel. I feel like I don't know who or what I should do? I don't know who I am? We had 4 children all adults now, 2 daughters are still living with me, 30 and 35, next month 31 and 36! We have another daughter 29, who is just moving out 1 hour away from me this Friday Oct 9. I feel like I did when my husband died. I feel like I am useless, no plan, grieve-stricken. I hate changes but I know my daughters one by one will leave. I have had them with me all these years since my Max passed. We also have a son, who married in 2006, (has a home, wife, 2 sons- 4 and 2) so Max was there for him on his wedding day.  (My husband would have loved his grandsons so much and he would have brought them so much joy.) I had my last dance with Max at Stephen wedding!  He was a wonderful man, he was kind, and sweet, gentle and loving, and great with your kids and me, he provided a great home for us. I loved him so very much, and I still go to his grave and a hang over his tomb stone and cry and cry; it hurts so deeply still, even as I type this, I am crying and the ache is here. I am crying because I miss and love him still today almost 8 years later. He died Nov 14, 2007; it was a cloudy day, and when he passed the clouds opened up and sun shone on his head and God lifted him up and lit the way for him. I am now 62, he passed away at 59. I have felt guilty that I am still here, and he is not; both his parents in their 80's are still alive, mine have gone. (My Mom, 22 years ago, 1993, and my Dad 2 years before Max 2005, and my oldest sisters husband passed in 2006 Nov 12.) I shouldn't be telling you all this, because I don't even know if you want to email me back, I live in Canada. And "Now, I'm not sure what to do, I miss him, and I am going to miss my daughters when they are all moved out. " I'm trying to continue to move forward. What's next? I wish I knew." Lil

Comment by lizbeth4 on October 4, 2015 at 6:05pm

I feel the same.   It has been 2 1/2 years since my husband's death.  We were married 31 years.  My Daughters and Grandson have been my light and have kept me going.  I am 57 years old and I am wondering what I am going to do with my life.  Although I have made big strides since his death, I know there is more life to live.  What is next?

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