Please be patient with me. This is my first blog ever, but I have always had the "writing bug". Therefore, this entry is un-edited and a bit "freestyle".
For the past several weeks, I've been waking up to a mixed bag of feelings, which I am sure that many of you share. My husband passed away in August of 2007, and, after what seemed to me, a long period of grieving, I felt empowered. I was ready to take on and tackle the world! I was 46 years old at that time, and we did not have a great marriage to begin with. My husband died from alcoholic liver disease, which proceeded a great deal of fighting, heartbreak and invisible scars. At the time of his death, I felt relieved, but not yet ready to re-enter the world of the living. I felt relief because I was removed from my pain, and his.
So I carried on. The details of which are probably fodder for another posting. But things of late have come full circle, and I feel as if I am carrying on with the remnants of my life. I'm not a youngster anymore, but hell, there's still a lot of life left in me. But I've got no where to place that life. My day to day routine seems filled with the rag-tag remnants of what I had.....a family, a career, a purpose.
This is not meant to elicit sympathy, but perhaps empathy. How many of you have retired for the night, nestled yourself into your pillow and vowed, through prayer or just mere thoughts, that tomorrow would be different? Daylight flickers upon your eyelids, and nothing, really, has changed. Is it just attitude, or predisposition? There are the remnants of dreams I've dreamed. Some are ghosts: some are real. I think about facing the remaining years of my life alone: picking up the bits of the pieces I once had.
I don't want remnants. I want to take the remnants and create a new tapestry: a vibrant and beautiful one. I'm just struggling as to how I want to do this.