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Sadly celebrating 11th No-nniversary

    Eleven years yesterday my beloved and i would have celebrated being married for 11 years.!  As i think feeling gutted as i do that i wanted; wait no;  The kids and i needed at least 10 more years forsure at the very very least, but then on the other hand, i think well at least we had those 10years, begrudgingly though, i really wanted at least 50 more... And then i think about the kids and how i have been lucky to have both of my parents still to this day and how i couldnt imagine my whole life without either one of them, and then i splash around in the pool of pity for all they have and all that they will be missing out on for not having their father in their lives, the kids i mean will be sincerely have a big piece of their what should have been in their life missing and forever it will now be that way.  Ugggg i just think wow how nieve i was to think that my husband and i were falling short of being great parents before but now all i can think is dont f your kids up forever its all on me from now until the end. Such a true and sadly honest statement so much ; wait no; all of the responsibility is now on me.  If i thought i was barely making it before i was missing a husband and father well now now i feel hopeless helpless. And just at the time i need to have the most motivation i feel nothing but numb. Dumb founded cause i truely and honestly still feel this out of body dream like fogginess that is reality ' "this cant be real he couldnt no he wouldnt have left me to fin for myself all alone in this world so harsh so cold.  "  but not before long the kids fighting or yelling or phone ringing or message binging oven tinging will snap me back to the harsh reality that is and forever will be my life.  And this coronavirus thing is alittle bit of a blessing in disguise because this is how my life has felt like ever since his death on fathers day that after noon.   3 months behind on rent and work has almost come to a complwte halt i dont qualify for unemployment havent worked for long enough they wouldnt even let me apply at all not even try for social security and i just found out that because i had to file married for my taxes once again i can not claim earned income credit and on top of all that because my husband only cld qualify for an itin number even after his death his american family is being punished for his immigration status or lack their of due to no fault of his own but because his mother brought him to the u.s. as a young child by no choice of his own. And still to this day i am and his american born children are being punished every day . u know people may not be aware of this but u dont chose who u fall in love with. The heart wants what the heart wants and i looked long and hard for almost 30 years before i found the love of my life.i know i know i cant help but to vent right now cause i am at my wits end and have done all i can possibly do and am feeling unbelievably like a failure cause i am failing at maybe soon not even giving my kids the security of having a home. Now what all i can say is now what. How could this be part of gods plan please tell me. My husband and i raising our kids in a loving and plentiful home wasnt enough. Well how could this alternative to that truely be the plans of god please tell me cause i.m losing hope and i.ve never done that before......now what........

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