In advance I'd like to apologize for my defective mood and possibly my horrid proclivity in expressing myself in this blog. I am not in a positive place at the moment. I may use distasteful language, just so everyone's warned.
although some wonderful, unexpected things happened to me this June, for the most part June has been just fucking substandard. I know that it's expected considering it's still under a year since the sudden passing of my dear loving, husband, Craig...but for a person like myself---so used to feeling positive and happy, the constant battle to keep lifted is feeling really heavy & can drain all energy. It's like a magnetic pull in my body, the feelings of extreme happiness to extreme anger. It's continuous work to keep the balance and stay sane at the same time. Sometimes I find I am drowning in the struggle but for the most part I am really impressed with my relentless campaigning to 'live on, live strong' after such a horrific loss. The part that I wonder about; will it always be this much work?
I am hoping that the intensity of June will ease when it finally comes to an end,...but I have an approximation that it's going to be this much work right up until the law suit against that drunk fucking dick-squat ends--that may not be for years. *joy*
It was bad enough that our one year wedding anniversary was literally the day after father's day---he was enthralled with the idea of becoming a dad, but June is jam-packed with annoying court dealings, and unexpected negative reactions at the MADD walk. (I'll explain in a bit) but first, my husband...
Craig was a go-getter. No goal was unreachable, no thought was impervious, no-thing was insurmountable. He was an encouraging person to be around, everyone knew it. Although Craig was only 24 when he died, he accomplished many of the things he was aiming to, but was never going to be done setting and reaching his goals. One of his most proud accomplishments was about to happen for him, but THAT ASSHOLE DRUNK DRIVER stole that dream of his.
After finding out that we were expecting, I never in my life seen such a shine in a persons eyes as he smiled at me with such joy. He was so proud to put his arm around me and call me his wife. He was even more proud to say that he was going to be a daddy. Our beautiful future was at the threshold.
He said to me many times throughout the 35.5 weeks of my pregnancy, "I can't wait to be a parenting team with you, like my parents were to me" and I'd agree about mine. so close....so fuck-ing close.
Craig didn't even get the chance to leave this world knowing if we were having a boy or a girl. He'd be absolutely beside himself--tickled with happiness to know that he left me with a boy. He said he didn't care either way, but whenever I told him that I think it was going to be a boy, that same shine would come back in those dark brown eyes of his. :)
our son: JACK CRAIG SYDENHAM CHITTENDEN. born OCT. 20 2011. 5lbs 6 oz and everyone says that he looks just like his daddy. Craig would be over whelmed by the happiness that this little man provides.
So, we, me and the boy, did the MADD walk. It was early JUNE and we raised quite a bit of money for the event. I was unsure if I even wanted to partake, but like I mentioned before, I am constantly working with my emotions, pushing for a positive existence again---it feels so much better to live this way. HOWEVER, when we showed up, among the positive supporters came some negative ones when they read the message that I put on my son's shirt...
some said it was a distasteful thing to put on a baby. I will not apologize because there was no tasteful way about how my husband died. The thought to get behind the wheel when you are absolutely inebriated is distasteful, not the message portraying the reality of our lives. **So thanks for your 2 cents YOU un compassionate, ignorant asses!!!**
Now as June slowly comes to its end... I soon face the 28th.
It's the first day (out of 3) set for pretrial, where the accused fights his charges. I had to go into the police station the other day to give my statement of the morning of the 'accident'. That was difficult, but like most things, I found that my feelings working up to the day were worse than actually recording it when the day finally came. I just went into business mode, and said what I knew. I will do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING that I have to, to get the justice that my husband deserves. I will sit in court with my husband's killer in the very same room, and I will do that for Craig. I know I am not doing it for myself....if it were up to me, I'd just move far away and start over and forget it all ever happened... but that's too easy...and as it seems, I don't even know what 'easy' is anymore.
I was told after making the audio recording, that the accused is going to try to get off some of the charges by using the excuse that my husband didn't have his headlights turned on!!!!!!! THIS FUCKING FUELD ME UP. I WAS LIVID.
For 2 years my hubs and I shared a vehicle. WE drove each other to work. When he was driving, it was my role as the passenger to say "lights, camera, action!". Craig always forgot to turn them on before he reversed. 10 days before Craig's death, he bought himself a truck. EVERY morning for those past 10 days he'd start his truck, and I'd peak out the window to make sure that he'd remember his headlights, he always did! I like to think that when he started his truck that morning, as he pulled out, and I peaked out the bedroom window, he said in his head with a smile "lights, camera, action!" as he turned them on. :)
The officer assured me that my statement was perfect in ruling that angle out for them. BUT STILL. own up pal. own up buddy. yeah, i get it, you are young, this bites, but YOU DID IT. YOU FUCKING DID IT. YOU STOLE MY LOVE. YOU STOLE HIS LIFE. YOU STOLE HIS CHANCE OF EVERYTHING HE EVER WANTED/DREAMED OF. YOU STOLE MY BOYS FATHER. YOU DID IT. YOU FUCKING DID IT. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE AND I HATE YOU FOR FIGHTING ANY OF IT.
I HATE JUNE.
I hate this guy for not accepting whatever punishment the court throws him, it's not going to be death, he won't be in prison for life. I understand the restrictions he'll have, but it was his choice to drive drunk. his poor decision...and it can happen to anyone of us... FUCKING THINK PEOPLE. PLEASE FUCKING THINK. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE~
Craig Duncan Chittenden SEPT 2 1987 - SEPT 27 2011
'It's better to burn out, then to fade away'
I will always love him.
I will always hate the way that his life had to end.
I will always remember him.
I will always tell my son whatever he wants to know about him.
I will always respect my past.
I will visit it often.
I will celebrate Craig's life as soon as the annoying burden of the legal system stops magnifying his death. And once this court bullshit is out of the way, finally Craig's name won't be associated with the next court date, or victim witness personelle, or Officers and paramedics... it will be associated with all the fabulous qualities that made him HIM.
needed this rant.