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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

In advance I'd like to apologize for my defective mood and possibly my horrid proclivity in expressing myself in this blog.  I am not in a positive place at the moment.  I may use distasteful language, just so everyone's warned.

JUNE;

although some wonderful, unexpected things happened to me this June, for the most part June has been just fucking substandard.  I know that it's expected considering it's still under a year since the sudden passing of my dear loving, husband, Craig...but for a person like myself---so used to feeling positive and happy, the constant battle to keep lifted is feeling really heavy & can drain all energy. It's like a magnetic pull in my body, the feelings of extreme happiness to extreme anger.  It's continuous work to keep the balance and stay sane at the same time. Sometimes I find I am drowning in the struggle but for the most part I am really impressed with my relentless campaigning to 'live on, live strong'  after such a horrific loss.  The part that I wonder about; will it always be this much work? 

I am hoping that the intensity of June will ease when it finally comes to an end,...but I have an approximation that it's going to be this much work right up until the law suit against that drunk fucking dick-squat ends--that may not be for years. *joy*

JUNE:

It was bad enough that our one year wedding anniversary was literally the day after father's day---he was enthralled with the idea of becoming a dad, but June is jam-packed with annoying court dealings, and unexpected negative reactions at the MADD walk. (I'll explain in a bit) but first, my husband... 

Craig was a go-getter.  No goal was unreachable, no thought was impervious, no-thing was insurmountable.  He was an encouraging person to be around, everyone knew it. Although Craig was only 24 when he died, he accomplished many of the things he was aiming to, but was never going to be done setting and reaching his goals.  One of his most proud accomplishments was about to happen for him, but THAT ASSHOLE DRUNK DRIVER stole that dream of his.

After finding out that we were expecting, I never in my life seen such a shine in a persons eyes as he smiled at me with such joy.  He was so proud to put his arm around me and call me his wife.  He was even more proud to say that he was going to be a daddy. Our beautiful future was at the threshold.

He said to me many times throughout the 35.5 weeks of my pregnancy, "I can't wait to be a parenting team with you, like my parents were to me" and I'd agree about mine.  so close....so fuck-ing close.

Craig didn't even get the chance to leave this world knowing if we were having a boy or a girl.  He'd be absolutely beside himself--tickled with happiness to know that he left me with a boy.  He said he didn't care either way, but whenever I told him that I think it was going to be a boy, that same shine would come back in those dark brown eyes of his.  :)

our son: JACK CRAIG SYDENHAM CHITTENDEN. born OCT. 20 2011. 5lbs 6 oz and everyone says that he looks just like his daddy.  Craig would be over whelmed by the happiness that this little man provides.  

JUNE 3rd

So, we, me and the boy, did the MADD walk.  It was early JUNE and we raised quite a bit of money for the event.   I was unsure if I even wanted to partake, but like I mentioned before, I am constantly working with my emotions, pushing for a positive existence again---it feels so much better to live this way. HOWEVER, when we showed up, among the positive supporters came some negative ones when they read the message that I put on my son's shirt...

madd.jpg

some said it was a distasteful thing to put on a baby.  I will not apologize because there was no tasteful way about how my husband died.  The thought to get behind the wheel when you are absolutely inebriated is distasteful, not the message portraying the reality of our lives. **So thanks for your 2 cents YOU un compassionate, ignorant asses!!!**

Now as June slowly comes to its end... I soon face the 28th.

It's the first day (out of 3) set for pretrial, where the accused fights his charges.  I had to go into the police station the other day to give my statement of the morning of the 'accident'.  That was difficult, but like most things, I found that my feelings working up to the day were worse than actually recording it when the day finally came.  I just went into business mode, and said what I knew.  I will do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING that I have to, to get the justice that my husband deserves.  I will sit in court with my husband's killer in the very same room, and I will do that for Craig.  I know I am not doing it for myself....if it were up to me, I'd just move far away and start over and forget it all ever happened... but that's too easy...and as it seems, I don't even know what 'easy' is anymore.

I was told after making the audio recording, that the accused is going to try to get off some of the charges by using the excuse that my husband didn't have his headlights turned on!!!!!!! THIS FUCKING FUELD ME UP. I WAS LIVID.  

For 2 years my hubs and I shared a vehicle. WE drove each other to work.  When he was driving, it was my role as the passenger to say "lights, camera, action!".  Craig always forgot to turn them on before he reversed.  10 days before Craig's death, he bought himself a truck.  EVERY morning  for those past 10 days he'd start his truck, and I'd peak out the window to make sure that he'd remember his headlights, he always did!  I like to think that when he started his truck that morning, as he pulled out, and I peaked out the bedroom window, he said in his head with a smile "lights, camera, action!" as he turned them on. :)

The officer assured me that my statement was perfect in ruling that angle out for them.  BUT STILL. own up pal. own up buddy.  yeah, i get it, you are young, this bites, but YOU DID IT. YOU FUCKING DID IT. YOU STOLE MY LOVE. YOU STOLE HIS LIFE. YOU STOLE HIS CHANCE OF EVERYTHING HE EVER WANTED/DREAMED OF. YOU STOLE MY BOYS FATHER.  YOU DID IT. YOU FUCKING DID IT.  YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE AND I HATE YOU FOR FIGHTING ANY OF IT.

I HATE JUNE.

I hate this guy for not accepting whatever punishment the court throws him, it's not going to be death, he won't be in prison for life.  I understand the restrictions he'll have, but it was his choice to drive drunk.  his poor decision...and it can happen to anyone of us... FUCKING THINK PEOPLE. PLEASE FUCKING THINK. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE~

Craig Duncan Chittenden      SEPT 2 1987 -  SEPT 27 2011

'It's better to burn out, then to fade away'

I will always love him.

I will always hate the way that his life had to end.

I will always remember him.

I will always tell my son whatever he wants to know about him.

I will always respect my past.

I will visit it often.

I will celebrate Craig's life as soon as the annoying burden of the legal system stops magnifying his death. And once this court bullshit is out of the way, finally Craig's name won't be associated with the next court date, or victim witness personelle, or Officers and paramedics... it will be associated with all the fabulous qualities that made him HIM. 

needed this rant.

cheers

smit

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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on July 2, 2012 at 6:00am

Smit, so glad you can post your feelings here. I hope you can feel all the support for you. Good luck this week and please keep us updated. HUGS!

Comment by Rebirth.Tanya (Tanya) on July 1, 2012 at 6:55pm
Smit, echoing the others' sentiments- no need to apologize- you so deserve this and any other rant you need to help lighten the burden- what a horrible leg of the journey you're having to endure. If I could I would also stand with you in court wearing the tshirt- it's a shame that jackass didn't get it. Sending you a big hug and prayers for love, comfort, strength, and justice... <3
Comment by Joyce on June 30, 2012 at 3:55pm

Stacy, I know I shouldn't condone violence but I wish your mother had bopped him one.  Hugs and I wish you lots of luck next week and I still can't believe you have to go through this.

Comment by smit09 on June 30, 2012 at 3:43pm

Thank you friends, for your support and warm encouragement!

I managed to get through the first court date, and the next is July 4th.

The evidence was hard to sit through, and it brought me right back to day one...the only thing is that it felt much worse knowing the details of the crash.

It pisses me off bc one of his family members came up to MY MOTHER and said "I don't know who you are to Craig, but on behalf of our family we do apologize"

and my response would (had I heard this) would have been "bullshit buddy, IF you were in fact 'sorry' we wouldn't be in court fighting his charges pal"

fuck!

anyway

wish me luck next week. 

Comment by Henry-in-Minn on June 29, 2012 at 6:11pm

Thank you.

Comment by bad ass widow on June 28, 2012 at 8:13pm

Stacy,   I am so sad that you have to go thru all this and I am so mad for you too.  It drives me crazy that people just dont do the right thing and "own" their actions.  No one has the guts anymore, too easy to call in a lawyer and blame the innocent person.  As far as your sons shirt, OMG!  I would be having him wear that shirt to every event.  I wore a cancer sucks t-shirt to Walmart once and some lady told me it was offensive.  I said damn right it is.  The more people offended the better.

(((Hugs)))

Amy

Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on June 28, 2012 at 6:42pm

*blink* I can't believe ANYONE, much less MADD people, would have the gall to say anything to you about Jack's shirt. You have every right to plaster that message all over that baby if you want to. I get to a point where I think, nothing can shock me. And then I'm always wrong.

Comment by jean on June 28, 2012 at 10:51am

(((hugs))))  You are an amazing woman sweetie.. Got you in my prayers

Comment by hendrixx2 on June 28, 2012 at 3:39am

Hi Smit,

It is good that you are able to place in print those things which try to erode our mental well being...I believe being able to share our burden among many, somewhat lightens the load we have to bear ourselves...your efforts to increase awareness of drunk driving are to be applauded...it is a good thing....

Your message strikes a chord in me as the other party, at one time, might have been me...you have reminded me of how my recklessness may have brought undue anguish to some family, I am thankful each day that I averted such a fate...

Please continue to press, to remind, to insure that your message is heard...make no apologies for your fervent attempts to inform others of the devastating consequences of one, thoughtless act...Smit, vent, rail, hazard to declare the pain you are experiencing; there is no need to be in restraint,  it is my sincere desire for you that the pain eases yet the passion of your mission remain, know that someone truly understands some of the issues you are facing, and I will have to admit, you are dealing with them much better than I might...Wishing Peace and Healing for you, thanx so much for this...  

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on June 27, 2012 at 8:00pm

I'm so glad you wrote this, Stacy. It's good to get these feelings out. I had prayed this guy would do the right thing and plead guilty so you wouldn't need to go through a trial. I'm sorry - and can only imagine how difficult this is for you. Wish all of us wids could be there to support you tomorrow with our "Jack's daddy was killed by that drunk driver" tshirts. Maybe that would make him do the right thing.

Hugs ♥

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