To start let me give a quick history. My wife Teri and I were married for a little more than 24 years. Four daughters, two granddaughters. We found out this January that she had cancer. She passed on July 3rd.
Like most everyone else here, the sense of loss is all-consuming.
The "what will I do now" question applies to us all.
I've read countless posts, and for the most part I can relate to the writer.
However, I don't want to just relate to other posts, I want a cure!
So my recent thinking is to divided and conquer. Can I take the emotional away from The Logical ?
I Am Naturally a happy person so naturally that's what I want to achieve again. Emotion has ruled the day ever since my wife passed and of course the months prior. And I don't feel any better off now then day 1. But if I can manage to take the emotion out of it and calculate on the logic I can begin to see a possible future.
From The Logical viewpoint, my goal is happiness. Logically there are steps that I have to take to achieve that. Those steps are actual, physical requirements or steps that must be taken. New steps not familiar steps.
I can't go out and eat dinner at a restaurant, or watch some old favorite TV shows. Those are things I did with my wife. So far my new steps include joining the YMCA then forcing myself to go. My emotion is constantly screaming at me to not move forward, moving forward means putting distance between me and my wife !
But what's the alternative? Turn into a lump of quivering flesh? Logic says "of course not" !
I don't want to leave my spouse behind, I don't want to be where I am now! But logic says "here you are".
I know from experience that the choices we individually make decide our future for the most part. Do I choose to be happy again? Or do I want to be shriveled up? It's easy to say I want both. But the goal here is to achieve happiness again and if my emotions rule I don't see ever achieving that happiness.
So by my calculations, logic must be the path I lay in front of me. To apply actual steps of moving in a Direction towards life. So far I have the YMCA and trying to figure out how to cook. Grocery lists aren't as easy as I assumed. Whipping up dinner isn't as easy as my wife made it look. All of the customary household chores are to some degree new events for me. But looking back at these things with logic, they are steps forward. Lonely steps? Of course! But forward steps none the less.
I'm not saying that I'm pushing emotion out of the equation all together. I'm just trying to make a conscientious choice to force some logic into my day. The emotion comes whether I want it to or not. And I allow that to run its course. But again those choices that we make will decide our future. I have known and experienced true friendship and true love with my wife and how can I live without that type of friendship and love the rest of my life? My personal answer is "I can't !" According to my emotion, I will never achieve that again! I don't want to achieve that without my wife !
Realistically, I'm 53 years old. If I have another 30 years do I want to do that alone? The answer of course is no ! My emotion says that I promised my wife forever, and as hard as it is to say much less think, I achieved HER forever ! That feels like a loophole that I'm scrounging for but logically it's the truth!
There are just so many aspects to losing a spouse that we are all unfortunately well aware of. For the past several weeks I have allowed the emotion to run its course. And maybe there have been benefits to that that I have not seen but I need to start seeing some achievements.
Achievements at this point for me require action.
8 + weeks of misery sitting at home has gotten me nowhere. I'm still as miserable today as I was on day one.
So for me the answer is to separate the emotion and logic. Is it the right answer? I don't know. But it's the only thing that makes sense to me for seeing forward movement.