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Seriously, PLEASE someone tell me this is fairly normal

My husband has been dead 2 years and two months.  I thought I was doing okay, but I don't think I am.  Im so lonely all the time.  My head spins a mile a minute trying to figure out what the heck Im supposed to do with my life, or want to do with my life.  Most of my closest friends are married so for the most part, Im dumped on the weekends.  I was  stay at home mom -newly empty nester when he died -as if that wasn't a transition enough. 

I have family and friends and its no like Im alone all the time, but Im still so lonely.  NOTHING seems to fill the void.  I went up to our cottage on a lake.  My husband was killed in a car accident up here.  NOTHING is the same. 

One minute I say OKAY I got this IM gonna do this, this, and this.  The next Im thinking EFF it IM SO done.  I have prayed to ask God to send me friends, help me not be so stinkin' sad all the time.   WHEN does this end.  I feel like I am never going to heal.  AND now that its been two years I have no one to really vent too.  People are sick of hearing it.  Besides they don't know what to say either.  So I silently (as best I can as Im quite vocal) suffer! 

I don't want to do this anymore.  I want to quit.

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Comment by Gail on July 7, 2014 at 10:45am

My Roses,

That was absolutely beautifully written.  

I know I will always grieve.  My mother died when I was 14 years old...46 years ago.  I still cry for her.  It became possible to speak her name and not fall apart, so I know that this ache I feel now will s-l-o-w-l-y get better.  It's just hell going through it.  

It would be nice one day to meet that someone who I can trust; that someone who cares about me.  I've been upset in my friendships so far.  They've disappeared or have disappointed me when I need them.  So, I go on wishing that things were different and will continue to do so until they are.  I can't give up, although I've wanted to several times.

So far this site has been that hand outstretched to me and I'm holding on tight.



Comment by my roses on July 7, 2014 at 7:31am

My roses

Mem5711  I think we are being told that there is a time scale to grief  (differs according to who is

saying it)  but honestly  it does not matter whether it is a year or 3 yrs, or more.  We feel what we feel. It definitely is taking energy from us.   I have come to the conclusion for many reasons, how I feel, talking to others who are 5 years, 12 yrs without their spouse, and knowing how deeply we all feel that we may have to accept that we will never get over it.  We may not be desperate, but we will probably cry on and off, when some memories come back.  Or when one is feeling tired or low.  I am accepting this as a possibility.  There is something so different about this kind of love (which nearly everyone of us at W V feels)  that is different.We have been bonded together, one flesh, deep trust, and more... how can we not feel overwhelming sadness.  The world out there is not a 'pretty place' - things have got tougher and  being alone, or vulnerable is worse now  because of that.  Although we do not feel like having a companion, or dating etc. - as it could be stressful  and we have a feeling we would never meet anyone else who could match our beloved.. I think it is vital we find someone who truly cares about us.  It does not mean we will forget our spouse, or dishonour them.  But for our survival we need to be 'nourished'.... our tears fall when we see people holding hands etc.  A sign that we need to be cherished.  Some how we have to find a friendship or relationship that offers this.  It  is a healing process.  Someone who says I miss you (when they have not seen you for some time).  I have seen widowed people and  those who who have had  trauma  begin to blossom just by someone saying  I am concerned about you (and forming an ongoing friendship).  Love seems to be the only healer I have come across so far.  The level of love may differ but something happens when love arrives.  Having people around you does not seem to help.. they could be causing us more pain.

But love from someone who cares, preferably a partner or friend is worth its weight in gold.  Also it should not be spasmodic but on a regular basis ( meeting twice a week  or whenever  -determined by both people.)Constancy keeps a balance in the emotions.  We are already dealing with the unexpected - we need something that is stable in the midst of the chaos of our lives. I know it sounds a 'tall order" but if we become aware of what could help us... we can then pray about it, open up to it, ask for it.  We are adrift until someone says I need you, or I miss you.  These are the bonds we used to have which are now  broken rags blowing in the wind.  We must somehow regain a foothold and then find the people who can start

our healing process.  I am not saying it is easy,  or just walk out and find someone.  But in my deepest being I know that we have all been cast adrift and  there has to be  a  rope or a hand we can hold onto to stop us going down stream and over the waterfall.  If we believe it we shall find it.  HUGS TO YOU ALL

Comment by my roses on July 7, 2014 at 4:16am

My roses

Tammy  you are normal... what is happening is what often happens.  I met a widowed friend (male) today and we were sitting in his home having a coffee and talking about various things... and then suddenly he said he was tired of this 'cycle going round and round.  He lost his wife 5 yrs ago!!  Their anniversary is coming up very soon.  I said I agreed, I am only at 16 mths.  But the pain comes and then its a bit better, but soon it is off again.  I find no matter what I do, it does not really take the pain away.  All this rubbish that people tell us... go out and do voluntary work etc.  (Mind you they haven't done any themselves) to find out that it does not heal pain.. it just fills time for a while.  I think its good when widowed people are honest  and say like he did... that it still can hurt.  In fact I remember now - that another man I met lost his wife 12 yrs ago and eventually re-married... but he still talked to me at length about his first wife and how he misses her.  I said to the man I was having coffee with that I felt this up and down as well... and  when the sorrow really kicks in .. I feel awful.  Its been pouring with rain, gales and icy cold... and I struggled to go to the shops..  But I am sure I would not notice this as much - if he was here.  Its when things pile up, tiredness, bad weather, got to do shopping or whatever... that it really hits badly.  ALL I KNOW IS THAT I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE.  I lost a fiancee at 21 yrs and did feel sorrow for about 3 yrs but it gradually got better. But the pain was not in my heart area like it is now.  Also did not get a 'sinking" feeling... which is a sort of depression.  I overcame the sinking last Sunday by  being asked to sing (at the last moment)  to about 50 people in the church.  The song I had chosen allowed me to get my feelings out.  We did it all for love by Michael Bolton... I was told by some friends that   I really put it across very well.  Yes, because I was not just singing a song.... the words of the song  were telling my story.  One line is " when I see  you again I am going to hold you forever"...  I also have never felt the yuckey feeling of loneliness like this before. I have lost other people in the past... but this has opened up a well of loneliness (not all the time) but it just hits like a rock when it occurs.  I AM GOING TO SHOUT... I DON'T NEED THIS !!   This man is obviously so different, so special... only he can have got me to this condition.  

Comment by Heart Broken Jill on July 5, 2014 at 7:36pm

Hello Tammy, I am really a brand new widow...  with the exact same feeling you have.  I feel like my life is so turned upside down....  I don't fit anywhere....  it's like I am a piece of a jigsaw puzzle in the wrong puzzle box....  

Friends of my family invite me places and I always feel like I have to leave early - it just seems I need to be at my home.  However, when I am at my home the grief is still there - and sometimes multiplied.  Everyone is married....  Everyone has their precious husbands and my precious husband is gone.  

I will never, never, ever be happy in this world without that man!  I love him so much and miss him so.

I did start with a councilor and I am going to stick with seeing him every week for now.  He's a good listener.  After some coaxing from my daughter-in-laws parents, I have also went to see my doctor - and she recommended trying an anti-depressant for a while.  So I also am doing that.  

I know I can't give up....  the only way I will be able to see him again is if I do what's right.

So, I am living my life in his honor...  that's all I can do.

I know this isn't any help... except I can tell you, I totally know how you feel!

Comment by Gail on June 26, 2014 at 6:38am

I'm right there with you.  I can't believe this is my new normal.  It SUCKS!  I might even get a license plate with NEW NRML on it!  Friends deserted me when my husband got sick.  He and I fought his melanoma for five long years before he died and friends were non-existent.  It didn't help that my DH didn't want people to know he was sick, even though they knew.

I'm so happy to have found this site and hopefully will make some new friends here.  I agree...other people who haven't experienced this don't get it.  

I don't know if summer is worse than winter...just warmer, IMO.  They are both hard for different reasons.  I feel so cheated.


Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on June 26, 2014 at 2:06am

@Tweety69:  I agree that summer is the worst.  I thought that the long, snowy winter was bad but that was easy compared to summer.  Part of it is that I was still numb last winter, but Steve loved summer and to not have him here seems just so wrong.  Our marriage was so troubled, and he was so depressed, that early on I felt I would be OK.  That was in the beginning, when all I could remember of our life together was the last six months when he was being treated for cancer and then moyamoya.  But now all that is starting to fade and all the good times are coming back...and I think that's why for many of us the grief gets worse...because we start to feel like they were snatched from us in the middle of this idyll that our minds create for us.

Comment by Hornet (Cindy) on June 25, 2014 at 11:25am

(((Hugs to you Tammy))). I have just crossed over the 9 month threshold and can see that even 2 years from now...God willing I live that long...I will carry my 'hole' with me.

The 4th of July is my 33rd anniversary. But wise Pipin on this site advised to just let things happen as they things I would normally do. And I will certainly try. They say the dreading of a special day is the worst, and so far, I found that to be true.

I love fireworks, so I'm going to climb up on my roof like Rick and I used to do, and marvel at the colored gun powder exploding above my head! I know Rick will be watching it with me...but from the top, down! (I bet he's going to have quite a view!)

Comment by Tweety69 (Beth) on June 25, 2014 at 10:59am

Ice Cream - I agree summer is the worst.  Now with the 4th of July coming up, everyone is planning something with their families.  I have a big support group but it's not the same.  Always going to the party by myself and my son.  I'm going on 4 years and it still doesn't get any easier.  Now my son is going to be staring kindergarten in the fall so I have that to deal with. 

Comment by Joyce on June 25, 2014 at 10:17am

Hi, just in case anyone is interested, Soaring Spirits Int'l which is the parent of Widowed Village has set up some regional groups of widows/widowers who get together a couple of times a month.  Here is a link of where the groups are, just click on the state....  Hope this helps someone.

Comment by Denial on June 25, 2014 at 9:54am

Marsha - Thanks so much for the info. Haven't ventured into chat.

Would love to meet you as well!

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