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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I haven't been on WV in a while. I guess that means I was doing pretty well and hadn't felt the need to visit. Or sometimes it was just a way to avoid being "pulled into the sadness" again. Not that the sadness ever completely disappears. It's always there, maybe hidden, almost undetectable, but always there. These days I find myself reflecting on those seven years (7 1/2 to be exact) since the love of my life has passed away. As all of you know, the first year was hell. The second year not much better. Things slowly improved. Eventually I met a nice man. We were together for almost four years. To make a long story short, it didn't work out and we broke up last fall. So here I am again, all alone. After the breakup, I swore to never try to find another man again, I had had enough. But loneliness creeps in... So lately I find myself in a daily struggle, trying to figure out what I want, what kind of relationship, what kind of man, why I cannot be content all alone and why I so pathetically yearn to be in a relationship again. I often feel like it's useless to seek love again. Perhaps I'm not even capable of loving someone with my whole heart again. I was lucky enough to be married to the love of my life for 22 years and maybe that's all I get. But another part of me just can't give up and there's this sliver of hope that there could be someone out there. It feels like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions once again. Not the same kind as at the beginning of this journey but dizzying and confusing nonetheless. And I'm tired of roller coasters and the ups and downs... 

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Comment by Daisy on July 20, 2019 at 9:42am

Thank you, Pegasus. It's always so comforting to have someone who can relate and understands what you're going through.

Comment by Pegasus on July 19, 2019 at 2:42pm

I share many of your thoughts and feelings - not capable of loving anyone else, not worth the time or trouble to look and feeling lucky for the time I had with my husband.  We had 51 years together but it wasn't enough.  You will understand that my losing him irreversibly changed my life and my future.  You're right, though, that you can't give up and that hope is there.  You'll reach out for it when you're ready.  Those 22 years you had with your husband are yours forever to cherish and hold close to your heart but one day you'll regain your capacity and desire to love again.  It's not pathetic to want to be in a relationship.  It's normal, natural and part of the human condition.  Take your time.  You'll know when you're ready.  

Comment by chef (John) on July 12, 2019 at 9:16am

One man's "brave" is another man's "crazy".

We all find our own centers somehow. :-)

Comment by Daisy on July 12, 2019 at 5:31am

Hi John, thank you for commenting. I wish I was at that point where I could say I might just be OK, no matter what. Perhaps one day I'll get there. Riding roller coasters as therapy? You're a brave man, John. I've never been able to ride roller coasters, too scary for me! I'll have to stick with yoga as my therapy, lol.

Comment by chef (John) on July 11, 2019 at 6:48am

Thanks for posting this, Daisy. It's strangely comforting to see that others walk the same path I do, even this far removed from the day that my "new realty" began.

I used to wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what's to become of me--but not anymore. I used to think that the "problem" was me, but, after some time, I decided that if I was able to be married for thirty years to a woman who was able to accept me (and change me a bit for the better [or so I hope]), I might just be OK--even if no woman is interested in me. I have to go on, and in a few days, I shall have done so for eight years.

Your roller coaster analogy is appropriate--and also humorous to me, since I have had a season pass to Cedar Point Amusement Park in Sandusky, OH for most of the years since I became a widower. (Judith and I had had season passes for several years. Riding roller coasters became my therapy since then.) I've been a roller coaster geek since I was a teenager, and some habits die hard--even though I'm now sixty-two. :-)

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