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Sex - its a funny business; not just the mechanics of it. On one hand, it is the most intimate of all physical relationships possible. It is considered sacred in a committed relationship, and sex outside of marriage is often the catalyst for divorce. On the other, one night stands, booty calls, casual hook ups are considered normal among singles. I guess the two kind of balance each other out. Sex is a physical need and an emotional glue, (and of course a means to procreate). As civilisations, humans have always had some sort of marriage. We recognise the need for a special exclusive relationship and the creation of family. For me, marriage was to the man I chose and loved. We married, had kids, bought a couple of houses, cars, furniture and stuff and built a family. He was the first person I had sex with. I always figured we would grow old together so sex with others wasn't going to be in my experience. Sex was all three things for us. Part of the glue that held us together, a physical release and a means to have kids. Only now, he is gone, and I'm in my early forties and I'd quite like to have sex again. The difference is, right now, I just want the physical release. 

The idea of a relationship is the last thing I want. The thought of having to start again, getting to know each other, meeting families, learning trust etc. Yeah...nah! No. Step daddy? No. Me being a step mummy - No! having to break in a new house mate etc? Nope. Reproduction? Absolutely not, I have three sons, I don't want any more!!!!!!  But sex? Yeah, I'd like that. Just sometimes, and only on my terms. I'd like the release and the pleasure of being touched and kissed. Problem is, I have no idea how to go about getting it. I haven't been a single adult....ever.I was married when I was 20, to a man I'd known for 5 years. A friend of mine is in her mid 30's and is also a new widow. She and I have had this conversation ALOT. One of her friends thinks we should pay for it, get an escort. Neither of us are keen on that! But we live in what is a large small town where everyone is connected. So a casual hook up from the club one night, is sure to get around town. Even if I did throw caution to the wind and give it a go, I don't even know how! How does one go about meeting a physical need that requires someone else's consent and is of a very personal and intimate nature? I am probably over thinking it. Maybe I need a friend with benefits. But how does one negotiate that? How do you add that element into a friendship without one of you catching feels?

I don't expect you (readers, fellow widow/ers) to have any answers, maybe you do! I just wanted to make sense of my thoughts and it often helps to have it written down. This new life of ours sucks and in ways I hadn't imagined at the start.

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 21, 2018 at 2:01am

"Skin hunger" is a need for caring physical contact caused by stress; it's not necessarily a need for sex. Hugging people can relieve the stress hormones from grief. I found hugging my kids significantly reduced my levels of cortisol as well as massage ... Whenever I felt like I was jumping out of skin & the kids were not around, I hugged on my dog. Not only did it alleviate stress, it gave me a feeling of warmth & safety like everything was going to be okay for the time being. This is another reason I enjoyed videos about kittens, puppies, babies, they also filled my heart w/love & peace, albeit for a short time till I could get in my appointments first for acupuncture followed with massage on the same day ...

Comment by smit09 on September 20, 2018 at 6:05pm

lol

I had a great laugh at this post (not an insensitive laugh by any means) I totally 100% get this.  I was 26 and 8 months pregnant with my first son when I was thrown into widowhood.  I missed being touched, desired, and fantasized about it quite a bit...I like you, was from a big-small town, and that was a HECK TO THE NO. ...I felt too old to go out to "the clubs" lol... and I'm not gonna lie, at some point self satisfaction becomes less satisfying. ---however, its super empowering (and gratifying) to know your body at that level. ;) ...but that longing to be kissed and held by another human always lingered.

any who.... I put myself out there on dating websites, and just tested out the waters, ever so cautiously!!! I had fun, and learned a lot.

fast forward 7 years, and I'm in a committed relationship with a widowed man and we have 5 children between us... maybe you don't want to go down that road?!?! lol, but we are happy. :)

happy healing, you will find what works for YOU. 

Comment by Steve on September 18, 2018 at 3:39pm

Hi, I soooo understand that!  I too miss that so much.  When I’m partnered, I’m VERY affectionate, very touchy-feely, lots and lots of kisses, hugs, affection.  Thank goodness both my partners were like that too.  I so miss that daily affection.  

For the last 15 months of Mikes life, he was on Very heavy doses of chemo therapy, radiation.  We were not permitted any intimacy physically.  So mike and I became tremendously affectionate, kind, loving, even more so then we ever had.  It was wonderful, and I gobbled every bit up, but we were not sexual at all, doctors orders, could make me very ill.  Mike told me if I wanted to hire a hooker, I could, it was totally fine w him, but that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to wait for him to get well, I would have waited 10 years if I needed to.  Mike and I were so fortuneate, in that, we never lost that “honey moon phase” between us.  We both discussed that, and laughed about it, that we still had those spur of the moment, Rip each other’s clothes off, knock over lamps type of intimacy, with each other right up till he started chemo.  I’m so grateful.  He was still so sexy, attractive to me, decades into our life together.  But I think, a big part of that, is how much we loved each other, we had both seen each other at our worst, during our many years together, and we were both still always there.  This created such a love, such an inside intimacy with each other, that we were often like teenagers, pulling over behind a building on a highway, on a long drive, to have some fun.  We got “caught” a couple of times, lol, and mike peeled out, with us both hardly having clothes on.  Lol.  Us laughing so hard.  

The last Christmas we spent in New York, we were staying in this extremely tall hotel, with glass elevators, and we got back to hotel, after a long night on the town, it was probably 3am, and we were on the 70th floor, I think.  Once in the elevators, lol, mike attacked me, and we gave quite a show to the security team, unknowingly, a camera in the elevator,  lol.  The next morning we came down to breakfast and about 6 of the staff stood up, at the front desk and gave us a standing ovation, lol, as we exited the elevators, we didn’t know why, till one of the staff said, “cameras in elevators”!  Lol.  We were so embarrassed!  

So, all of this, is maybe a clue, why I personally so far, I never say never, have not been interested in a strictly sexual relationship.  But who knows, some day I may meet someone, and poof!  That’s all over and I will be like a bunny rabbit again!  Lol

i say check it out.  Try it.  See how it works for you.  It works for so many people.  I so get that need for affection, touching, I so miss that so often.  

Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on September 18, 2018 at 2:56pm

Thanks for your response Steve. I appreciated your honesty and openness. I am not sure that in the end I wont come to a similar conclusion to you and that is that I have had my love, and not want any one else. It may be that casual sex isn't my thing either.....but sometimes, I so desperately want to be held and touched like that.

Comment by Steve on September 17, 2018 at 11:53pm

Hi Miss Em.  Wow, I really admire your bringing up this topic.  Everyone has there own ideas about this subject, I personally feel that everybody needs to live as they want to, and do what makes them happy.  I’m not really sure how you would go about finding a safe, good situation, I know here in the states there are a huge amount of “hook-up apps”, available for people that are just looking for sex.  I’m sure it’s the same in the heterosexual community.  90% of my best friends, are heterosexual females, I’ve always had amazingly close female friends, some now, over 30 years long.  We can’t go out to a strait nightclub, without them being hit on several times.  I don’t think you will have any problem at all, it’s just finding the right guy for you.  

Ive always been different than most of my gay male friends.  That’s why I don’t have a bunch of them.  Sex has always been connected to love for me.  

Im not saying I’ve never had sex without love, I did in my early years, but that is why, I don’t, now.  That feeling for me after , getting out of bed, getting dressed, saying, “have a good day”, and see ya!  Just feels so weird to me.  I have no judgement at all, I wish I was less emotional about it.  Wish I could just enjoy the physical, without an emotional connection.  I could have sex every night if I wanted.  

Not too long after mike had passed, maybe a year, some long time friends had invited me over to dinner.  I’ll call them Jim and Sue.  Mike and I and Jim and Sue were very dear friends, we saw each other socially very often for dinner, we took cruises together, took trips to Florida and so on.  Jim’s brother was visiting from Boston, here on business, staying in a local hotel, and Sue had invited him over for dinner w us.  We had a very nice evening, Brother was mid divorce from his wife, it had been discussed at dinner.  At the end of the evening, Sue asked me if I wouldn’t mind dropping brother off at his hotel on my way home, to save her a trip.  I said no problem.  Brother and I had a very nice conversation at dinner, and on the way to his hotel, he then invited me into the hotel bar for a drink w him, he was lonely and wasn’t tired.  I said sure.  We had a drink and I said I needed to get home, he invited me up to his room, I said ok.  He said he had never been w a man, but had always thought about it, and was attracted to me. I thought he was handsome, but, sex just wasn’t on my mind at all.  Hadn’t been since mike had passed.   I was w mike since I was 16, although we weren’t perfectly monogamous till our mid 20s, I hadn’t been w anyone else in many, many years.  To my embarrassment, I started to cry, then sob, lol, while with this man, and ended up appologizing and leaving.  Poor guy!  Lol.  When my second partner and I were dating, he was very aggressive, physically, but I told him I needed to wait to have more of a love for him, I didn’t want just a sexual relationship.  I didn’t expect him to stay w me at that point, but to my surprise he did.  We dated about 6 months before he spent the night w me, we made it very special, got a lovely room at a nice hotel, and it was wonderful.  But he didn’t notice I was crying through it.  I managed to just let the tears flow, without actually crying.  I did love my second partner, wanted to be w him so much, but when I was physically with him, in such an intimate way, I couldn’t help it, I thought of mike. I never told second partner about that.  After that first time w him, I was fine, don’t think I ever cried again, but now, I really have no desire for sex by itself.  I’ve had plenty of opportunity, it’s 90% of the contact I get from guys on gay dating apps.  They are just looking for sex.  To me it’s so empty, without the deep emotional connection.  Plus, even if I was interested, I would probably cry again.  Lol.  Super sexy!  Lol

but I do wish I could.  Good luck with your search.  Maybe you and your girlfriend could go out together to find guys?  Maybe go to another city, each get your own rooms, and go out together in your sexiest outfits to find guys?  I think you will start finding them at the valet stand, right outside the hotel!  Lol.  

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