This morning while doing my norm, having coffee talking to friends, reading over the FB happenings. I found my eyes leaking. I wiped away the first few teardrops but they just kept coming. To my shock, I realized I was crying big silent tears. Why? I had to search myself for a reason, I'd like to say I was crying real grief tears because then I'd feel like a proper grieving widow. I've been missing my Jerry so much lately it would not have shocked me if I discovered my soul crying out for him but, NO, it wasn't that.
It was tears from pent up stress, tears of joy, and love from the people who care about me and mine. Silent tears flowing in gratitude for my blessings despite the hardships I'm currently enduring. Tears for my friends who have hardships of their own. Tears for the strength they offer me despite their own hurts. Whoever knew silent tears could refresh and renew one's soul and belief in living life? Not me. I'm glad I didn't dismiss those first tears and as crazy widow tears.
Although I feel very much the crazy widow, these silent tears today have reminded me I'm more than that. I'm a child of God with many blessings to count, I'm a friend of many wonderful souls, I'm a mother to great children of whom I'm so very proud. I'm the grandmother to 2 of the most beautiful little girls in the world, not by blood but by heart. My beautiful inside and out stepdaughter is my friend and cheerleader. I could go on and on...
Since I lost Jerry a little over 2 years ago I have had to develop a whole new attitude on life in order to even get out of bed in the mornings. Yes, it has been hard to forge a new me. Sometimes I need a reminder that there is still joy, life is still a beautiful journey and I guess that reminder came today in the form of silent tears. Searching for my purpose and reaching for my own happiness was born out of the grief of losing Jerry. Figuring out my own psyche has helped me save myself. Thank you, folks, who help me by reading and listening after all, when I'm shouting out my blessings is when I'm feeling the most blue.