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Silly people (including me!)
The other day my sister and I were talking about all the crazy stuff that happened when Bill died. I was expressing how people react and how I probably did the same thing before I knew what it was like to lose a spouse. Most of it makes me laugh. Here are the top three that I can recall that made me laugh or made me shake my head and think what the heck???!! :)
1. I was sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by family looking on the internet for the news piece that was done on the accident my husband was in. I had just found out that he had died about two hours prior. My sister in law sat next to me when I noticed she was chomping on the biggest strawberry I had ever seen. Did she bring some snacks with her on her way here? That couldn't be possible she drove like a nut with my brother to get here and by the looks of her ashen face, which is normally a beautiful light brown color, surely she didnt take time to think of food. What I did find out was someone had sent me a fruit basket! A wonderful woman who found out Bill died immediately sent a basket. I laughed so hard when I realized where it came from. Hey your husband is dead - have some fruit you will feel better. :)
2. People don't know what to say. Righfully so because there is nothing to say other than I'm sorry or my favorite now - that sucks. To offer what they can't say in words they send flowers. I love flowers! However, unfortunately, I couldn't appreciate them at the time they were sent. They also send fruit. Lots of fruit. If you know me personally you would probably guess that I don't eat a lot of anything that is particularly healthy, fruit included. You would also know I use humor to deal with most situations. Everytime a fruit basket came in, I would joke and say where are the dam twinkies and ding dongs! The next day to my delight a basket came in that had twinkies and dingdongs and various other fattening items. It made me smile although I must say I couldn't enjoy them.
3. Okay so here I have grouped together some cliche' things people say and other various comments and maybe imparticular from christians. Their intent is to make us feel better or encourage us but I have to say if they really understood the pain they might refrain. So here it goes. " At least you know you will see him again someday in heaven." Yea, big deal. I want to see him now not 30 years from now. "God/Jesus will be your husband now." Okay seriously people....this one just grosses me out. I view God as my Father, Jesus as my brother and any other way to me borderlines on incest and I will have none of it thank you. "Time will heal your pain, in about a year you will feel better" okay only people who haven't lost a spouse will say that because all the ones that have give you a much more indepth look at what that means. What it means is you won't cry every day and want to kill yourself. There is no graduation after a year from being miserable to getting your grief diploma and going off into the sunset with your new life. That has been the most sobering realization. Im grateful all of my fellow "widow/widowers" have been honest enough to enlighten me.
So there you have it. To those that sent flowers, fruit, ham, cards, phone calls, and may have even said one of those comments please know I love you for it!! Yup! It was your way of telling me and my family you love me! No one knows how this feels until you walk in it. There is no right way and no wrong way. Everyone receives things differently. This is just my take on it. To be honest I am grateful as most of it made me laugh then and still does.
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Comment by Jerry on September 21, 2012 at 11:06pm
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Thanks for expressing your thoughts, it brought some humor to a sad subject.
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Comment by TammyRI on September 20, 2012 at 11:19pm -
Hmmmm good idea on the lamp thing! lol I am fortunate though I do have a lot of "men" who will help me - just not my own brother apparently LOL. BUT Id rather not have to ask and have my husband take care of it all just like he has done for the last 25 years. Freakin' Bill going an getting himself killed wtf!
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Comment by Su on September 20, 2012 at 9:07pm -
Susan B (boy, there are a lot of us Susans out here.) You said it so well. It brought tears to my eyes (good ones).I wish I could express what if feel. I feel like I'm taking advantage. I did "Luck out" on the mechanics. My ex-son-in-law works for the local Ford dealership.He can't do the diagnostic stuff (doesn't read well), but he watches out for me. I request him whenever I can. GUNS: I wanted to have a gun cleaning party. Ted had been shooting before he died and some of the guns needed cleaning. He taught me to shoot, but never got around to cleaning. I did find an honest guy in town, he said the M1a1 looked clean, basic big cleaning was $45, but he figured this one would be a barrel cleaning only for $15. Obviously, the gun cleaning party didn't happen.
lamp? I'd really like to know what that person was thinking. She must have really wanted to anything .
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Comment by Susan J on September 20, 2012 at 8:55pm -
With a brother and BIL like yours, I can think of a couple of things to do with that lamp. :)
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Comment by Susan B on September 20, 2012 at 8:55pm -
Su--I hate going into the hardware store to get fixit stuff, as my guy was so good at it, and he almost had a hardware store in the garage! But I go there all the time because I'm a nursery goods vendor and go to 7 hardware stores a week. Once the managers found out I was recently widowed, they made sure to ask me if I needed any help with anything--"just ask us and we'll help you through it, or get you someone who can do it for you." But yes, just asking for help would bring the tears on. Poor guys got used to it and maybe they see how hard it is and will be more cautious in saying the platitudes to others. Several of the guys are widowers and now that I'ma couple years out, they are starting to talk to me about how things are going and how they felt, what they did, etc. My hubby's best friend changed the oil in my truck a couple times but then I started taking it to a mechanic for checkups, I didn't want to take advantage of the poor guy. He is my "Stevie's Helpful Housewife Hints Hotline" go-to guy, whenever I need advice about how to deal with some system breakdown. And he cleaned all Keith's plinking guns, cleaned out the dryer hose, but he perfers to show me how to do something. He laughs: "but...I'm empowering you!" Then we BOTH laugh, which is wonderful.
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Comment by TammyRI on September 20, 2012 at 7:51pm
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I did ask for help with my pool. We have an above ground pool and I had no idea how to open it or hook up the filter etc and after the winter we had the cover had ripped. I asked my brother who basically never came through for me to get me a cover. Then I asked my brother in law who got the liner but was so busy with his own family/job he never got a chance to put it on. Recently he finally got to do it and when we filled the pool with water so it didnt collapse the whole effin liner ripped away from the pool. So guess what Im getting rid of the dam pool. It made me angry and sad at the same time. Dont offer to help if you really cant help or dont want too because then I feel like an ass that Im either burdening you or imposing on you. AND for the record..a LAMP? A LAMP? LOL whatcha gonna do with a lamp LOL LOL
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Comment by Su on September 20, 2012 at 4:42pm
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SusanJ, you're probably right. The other day I had to ask the guys at the hardward store for some help, I was fighting tears. I HATE that. But, I am a woman of the 70's and I know I should at least try and do things. I know for a fact, when people tell me I can't do something, that's when I really want to do it. I'm sorry. This started out as a silly blog that made me smile. I'll stop now and complain on a different page.
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Comment by Susan J on September 20, 2012 at 4:26pm
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Su, we have to be bold enough to ask for what we need. It was the hardest thing I had to learn. It was one thing having Jon do for me, but it was another to ask friends for help. Even with a gift certificate for lawn mowing, we would ahve to be the ones to make the call to collect. Just another sucky thing about widowhood.
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Comment by Su on September 20, 2012 at 4:18pm
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SusanJ, do you think they'd really mean the gift certificates? I got lots of "if you need anything". I'm sitting here with a pile of logs and a log splitter. My 105# daughter is talking about coming out and cutting the logs, when the fire danger is over. I bought an electric chain saw for myself. I can't pull-start a regular one. But we didn't really have any close friends. It was just Ted and I. So I've been forgotten.
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Comment by Susan J on September 20, 2012 at 3:17pm
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Dishes? No kidding. That's where the paper plates came in handy. I wished I had gotten gift certificates for lawn mowing and plumbing repairs. Dog sitting.
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