A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
The other day my sister and I were talking about all the crazy stuff that happened when Bill died. I was expressing how people react and how I probably did the same thing before I knew what it was like to lose a spouse. Most of it makes me laugh. Here are the top three that I can recall that made me laugh or made me shake my head and think what the heck???!! :)
1. I was sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by family looking on the internet for the news piece that was done on the accident my husband was in. I had just found out that he had died about two hours prior. My sister in law sat next to me when I noticed she was chomping on the biggest strawberry I had ever seen. Did she bring some snacks with her on her way here? That couldn't be possible she drove like a nut with my brother to get here and by the looks of her ashen face, which is normally a beautiful light brown color, surely she didnt take time to think of food. What I did find out was someone had sent me a fruit basket! A wonderful woman who found out Bill died immediately sent a basket. I laughed so hard when I realized where it came from. Hey your husband is dead - have some fruit you will feel better. :)
2. People don't know what to say. Righfully so because there is nothing to say other than I'm sorry or my favorite now - that sucks. To offer what they can't say in words they send flowers. I love flowers! However, unfortunately, I couldn't appreciate them at the time they were sent. They also send fruit. Lots of fruit. If you know me personally you would probably guess that I don't eat a lot of anything that is particularly healthy, fruit included. You would also know I use humor to deal with most situations. Everytime a fruit basket came in, I would joke and say where are the dam twinkies and ding dongs! The next day to my delight a basket came in that had twinkies and dingdongs and various other fattening items. It made me smile although I must say I couldn't enjoy them.
3. Okay so here I have grouped together some cliche' things people say and other various comments and maybe imparticular from christians. Their intent is to make us feel better or encourage us but I have to say if they really understood the pain they might refrain. So here it goes. " At least you know you will see him again someday in heaven." Yea, big deal. I want to see him now not 30 years from now. "God/Jesus will be your husband now." Okay seriously people....this one just grosses me out. I view God as my Father, Jesus as my brother and any other way to me borderlines on incest and I will have none of it thank you. "Time will heal your pain, in about a year you will feel better" okay only people who haven't lost a spouse will say that because all the ones that have give you a much more indepth look at what that means. What it means is you won't cry every day and want to kill yourself. There is no graduation after a year from being miserable to getting your grief diploma and going off into the sunset with your new life. That has been the most sobering realization. Im grateful all of my fellow "widow/widowers" have been honest enough to enlighten me.
So there you have it. To those that sent flowers, fruit, ham, cards, phone calls, and may have even said one of those comments please know I love you for it!! Yup! It was your way of telling me and my family you love me! No one knows how this feels until you walk in it. There is no right way and no wrong way. Everyone receives things differently. This is just my take on it. To be honest I am grateful as most of it made me laugh then and still does.