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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I write a lot these days, but I don't share any of it.  I keep them to myself.  I recently had a friend say I should share some of my writings. Good or bad. I've heard I don't allow anyone in to see my pain.  It is true, but what people don't realize, I go through my day in a fog. I really don't have a clue what I am doing right, wrong, what I am sharing not sharing, or saying not saying. I get up (point A) go to work (point B) get home (point C) before I crack from the stress of my new "normal".  So, here is my attempt to share. ~EDL

We finally got some decent snow fall today.  I woke up to it and thought... Damn! Then I felt guilty. Then I felt alone. Then I felt sad. Then my emotional sorry ass cried. The realization of my first snow fall without Toby hit me. Then...... oh shit...  I have to shovel!  

I know Wah wah for Erin who has to shovel the snow like everyone else.  Well, i'm not ashamed to admit it,  I was very pampered for many years. Toby took great care of me. If i'm being honest with myself, sometimes I took advantage of that care.   It never dawned on me before that he might not be here one day to appreciate his selfless acts of love towards me.  We had our entire lives ahead of us.  Surely I didn't have to be thankful everytime he shoveled. Boy, I was very wrong.  Very very wrong and feeling ashamed today. 

I miss everything about Toby, but when I woke up today and looked out to a beautiful winter day. I missed him terribly and memories flooded my head and buckled my knees.  Toby always got up early when it snowed. He would always play with my hair, kiss my face, and say to me, "hey babe, it has snowed and you have to get up earlier than usual".  I would growl at him.  He would walk away quietly, but before he left the room he would flip on the overhead light and turn off the heat to the room.  OH... that would piss me off!!! I would pull the covers over my head and curl up into a ball to conserve the remaining heat.  I then would hear him outside shoveling.  Every couple of minutes he would throw a snowball at the window to startle me until I threw open the shade and flipped him off.  He would chuckle and go back to shoveling, but he knew I was up.

He would have all the sidewalks shoveled and salted, both cars cleared off and heated, ready for our morning commute to work. Usually he wouldn't even have me drive to work. He preferred taking me to work so I got their safely.  I know he secretly thought I was a bad driver in the snow, which I am. I'll admit it now. I slid through a red light this morning (lucky it was 5:45 am and no one on the road).  I could hear him grumbling at me about putting the Tahoe in 4WD and saying, "Jesus woman slow your ass down. You wonder why I never let you drive my Tahoe!!"  

We finally got some snow. I woke up to it and thought... Damn!  I went outside to shovel.  I felt sad. I felt alone.  I cried. BUT the the sidewalks are clear and now my tears are frozen to my face. Just F'n lovely! 

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Comment by IndiaKai on February 11, 2014 at 3:27pm

Thank you Keroleen.  This is my first attempt at blogging and first time really showing my writing.  Most of my work is very dark.  This was a "lighter" writing day for me.  :)

Comment by Keroleen on February 11, 2014 at 7:01am

Thanks for sharing. You write really well, and this really hit home for me. Not the shoveling, I live in FL, but the way I took for granted being pampered. It's been about a month and a half for me and I still sob every time I go grocery shopping. He took care of that for our family, I don't even know how to pick out meat properly! I just never thought I'd have to deal with that. Honestly I would avoid it altogether if I could.

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