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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

When Tom died I relied a great deal on friends and family, like I'm sure we all did and possibly still do.  I would not throw away my friends for a thousand years, they have been my strength.  I have a few very close friends that I basically talk to about everything I am thinking and going through, this is why I say I don't need therapy, I have my friends to talk to.  Friends that I don't have to tell my back story to, friends that know what I have been through and just know who I am.  I'm sure at times my friends are done with hearing me say the same thing over and over, or the same concern I have (which is a lot since my anxiety since this has happened is through the roof).  One of my dearest and longest friends made an interesting comment yesterday.  Now this is a friend that I have known before my husband, we have been friends for over 30 years.  She told me that she feels  have been stuck in the stage of grief that I am for too long.  So now I sit and ponder.... I even asked her to clarify.... What stage of grief am I in?  She could not really tell me... she thought somewhere between acceptance and whatever the step before acceptance is.  So I ponder.... She says that she has heard me talk about the same things over and over now for a few months... Now mind you, my husband has been gone for ten months.... not years.  So I ponder..... I know there is no maliciousness in her comments.... I know that she's not saying anything to upset.... She has mentioned a time or two or three or four that she feels I should go to a therapist... So I ponder.... Maybe I should go to a therapist.... Maybe I should be further along in her mind (however I do think people get through things at a very different rate).... Maybe I am relying too heavily on her for when I need support... I don't know.  I am trying to still wrap my head around that brief discussion we had and extract what it was exactly she was trying to tell me.  Then I think maybe I am thinking too much about it and it was just her observation... So, I ponder.

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Comment by Debb on June 4, 2020 at 6:26pm

I am at the 10 month mark also. This is hard and it doesn’t seem to get any easier. Some days I’m okay and others I’m anxious. I feel your pain and I just want my life back.

Comment by Callie2 on June 4, 2020 at 5:16pm

Are there any support groups nearby?  There you would be among others that understand what you’re going through.  Friends and family may be supportive to a point, but we can’t expect them to listen to us express our pain for an extended period of time. At ten months, you’re still in the beginning of your grief journey—it can take some time until you feel a degree of normalcy.  Your friend may be trying to tell you in a nice way that a therapist might be helpful in talking things through so that conversations with her can be about other things. Maybe a therapist could help, but the reason I suggest trying  a support group is that you might feel more comfortable around others.  Some people do, some don’t.  Maybe worthwhile exploring.

Comment by Tess on June 3, 2020 at 2:12am

TeresaNY, similar to what the others said, grieve at your own pace. I am assuming this person was not a widow? Having suffered this horrific loss is the only gateway to understanding.

 
I don’t want to leave this screen, but you haven’t been widowed that long if I remember. All “stages” are off at the beginning. There is no linear progression. Functioning, even at a low level, is enough.

This is why when this pandemic has resolved, I intend on starting a meetup for widows/widowers in my area. I have yet to connect with friends here (I moved a almost a year ago). I am tired of not having someone to relate to, except for the lovely people on WV. 

Hugs and peace to you.

Comment by Estragon on June 2, 2020 at 6:55pm

Oh my.  IMHO, people are entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts.  Your husband is just as dead he was yesterday, and will be/is, months, or years from now.  As much as we might yearn for that to change, it hasn't, and won't.  It never will.  We probably never get "over" that.  We just, hopefully, learn to live with the reality of it.  She's probably trying to help, but just doesn't get it.  

Try not to ponder it too much.  Just hope she never has to learn why what she's thinking is so wrong.  

Comment by TeresaNY on June 2, 2020 at 5:08pm

Thank you Aloneagain and Serene for your response to my post.  I'm glad that you both confirmed a little of what I was thinking.  First that no one has the right to say I'm not grieving properly, this is not a one size fits all kinda thing,  Plus I appreciate what Serene said about me not being alone when people make insensitive comments, even if they don't mean them to be. 

Comment by Aloneagain on June 2, 2020 at 11:36am

No one has the right to tell you or even imply that you are not grieving properly. There is no time line. Books don’t help me much. Therapy is sometimes helpful but it drains me.  You do what feels right to you because this is your grieve, your loss.  I can’t believe that lady told you that.  Good for her if she has found a way to move on, but some of us are not there yet.  Keep trying hon, every day. Not all days will be stellar, but once in a while you will have a day when your feel a little bit like your old self.

Comment by Serene1 on June 2, 2020 at 10:55am

Hi TheresaNY,

I just joined this group a day ago.  I hear you.  I read your post and would like to share that a sibling said that I needed to in so many words get over it in her well meaning way and that I was way too emotional about pretty much everything.  I realize she has not lost a spouse or went thru watching a loved one die a slow painful heartbreaking death of chemo and radiation, tube feedings, tracheostomy, skin and bones then hospice/death.  She is an R.N. for almost 40 years and sees sickness and suffering all the time but it was not her spouse that she saw suffer and die of cancer.  I was shocked and hurt that she said that but I know she doesn't get it.  I defended my position that it is my journey and I am moving at my own pace and noone has the right or wisdom to tell me what that looks like in their opinion.  Maybe my grief made her uncomfortable that it is still visibly hurting me so moving forward I plan to watch what and how much I share with her.  I was in a griefshare group at church that when asked if we had similar experience that you shared I remember they suggested rather than give details of how I was doing to say today is a 3 for me on the scale of 1 to 10.  For me 10 is wonderful and 1  being total despair, I give up, going under, God help me please or I am done.  I was seeing 2 therapists and they both helped me for a while but one said I needed to find a new normal and start making  and writing down plans of what that looked like.  I did not go back because I was not ready at that time to do that.  I will likely continue with the other therapist when can go in person she seems more compassionate.  I hope your friends and support system continue to be there for you, we need that.  I have come to realize for me that unless someone has gone through it they kind of don't get it so I try to give them grace and mercy and take it with a grain of salt when I can that they mean well.  Sorry to ramble but I wanted you to know I hear you. 

Sending hugs your way.  Serene1 

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