I stepped on a rake in my backyard on Thursday late in the afternoon a few day after wrote the last blog. I put one of the prongs through my shoe into the fleshy part under my big toe. I had some problems pulling it out, it was very painful to do that and I am not that brave but finally I could limp back into the house. I was struggling to get down the steps so I knew it was going to be pretty painful and I was right three weeks later it is still painful if I use it too much and need a period each day wih the foot up.
I went the following day to my doctor and got the tetanus needle and some antibiotics. The area under the toe remained very swollen, painful and purple so although the doctor said no driving for a couple of days I was off it for a week. That meant I got a ride to the first party for a while and not a lot of outings for the week that followed. I am the pastoral visitor for my church and visit a lot of people when they go through a crisis so wonder sometimes who cares for the carers? No answer to that one.
I looked after the three grandchildren for four nights the following week so there was company for me. Two women from the church did phone me eventually but I told them I would manage okay. I like to be independent but would call for help if I really needed it. So I was able to keep the foot up when I rested between rounds with the kids...lol. Luckily the Nintendo Wii kept them occupied as they both loved playing Mario Kart.
So the downtime provided lots of thinking time. One of the things I have been thinking about is the change in relationships if I should introduce someone new into my life. I know the arguments against: going back to looking after another person's needs. eg getting regular meals, getting used to the hours someone else keeps, fitting in with their appointments, family situation etc. It seemed at the end of that period that it was all too hard so I decided to drop back and have another look at how I would cope as a single woman.
Then my daughter and family came back for a few days and I watched as she and her husband shared the tasks between them and I remembered the joys of sharing, of being part of a team, of doing things together and how much I missed that. It is a dilemma isn't it? Being single gives you the the freedom to make your own decisions versus the joys of being part of a team and the pleasant feeling of settling down with another person to watch TV, go for a drive, all the things that as a member of a couple you take for granted.
I enjoyed having both lots of grandchildren here, the little boys are such fun and I did laugh a lot with them, my daughter's children are more solemn but they talk and laugh with me too and it was such great fun to just be around them and also with their parents. I love to spend time with my daughter, even when she is here fora few days it is minutes rather than hours we spend together. And then just as quickly it is over and they are on their way home again and I am alone again.
So that is where I am now, facing my ambivalence. Do I want to go on being single, building my life around what I do in the church and community, building up a group of single friends who I can spend some quality time with? Or do I want to go on daydreaming about the partner I might have in the future and the fun etc that we could have together. Friends tell me what you visualize is what you get so the ambivalence is clouding the picture, it is still so confusing. What do I really want? I wish I knew.