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Some thoughts on getting married again

So I made the plunge and got married again.  I didn't feel the need that I had to be married, but I was open to it.  I'd been through a bad marriage, I'd been through a wonderful marriage and I knew which one I preferred, and I wasn't settling for anything less than wonderful.

I met Glory (current wife) and we hit things off right away.  It wasn't always perfect, there was a lot that we had to work out, but we did and we ran away to Hawaii and got married after going together for a year and a half.  There was much I had to consider.  Did I want to get married just so I wouldn't be lonely?  While not feeling so lonely is a nice benefit, it's not a reason to get married.  Was I even in a place that I should be thinking about it?  I tried so hard to not fall in love, and she caught that vibe from me.  But I settled my questions, and decided she was the right one for me.

I didn't think I'd ever get married again, because the pool of straight, single women close to my age (58 at the time) who aren't psycho and are open to marriage is pretty slim.  So I planned my life as if I would never remarry.  I bought a one bedroom condo and a two door car.  Then I found out I was wrong.

So this is my third marriage, which seems strange to me.  I thought I'd be married for life.  Well, I was, I just never knew that life together would be as short as it was.

In my three marriages, I've had more and more enthusiastic well wishes and friends and family being happy for me than in the first two marriages.  I understand that, they are hurting because of Elaine's death, and seeing me finding love again means that I'm all fixed, and they're pain is gone.

It is true that being married and finding love again means that I'm no longer alone or lonely, but I'm not fixed.  The pain of my loss is still there, and I'm sure that it will be for life.  In fact, I don't think the pain should be fixed, because it's the scar I carry because of the love that Elaine and I shared.  To lose the pain means that our love wasn't real.  The reason widowhood hurts so deeply is because the love that we shared was even deeper.

For about a year after Elaine died, I had horrible, terrifying, wake up in a cold sweat nightmares every night.  Then they became merely disturbing, and about a week apart.  When Glory and I got married, they stopped.  But then a strange thing happened.  Glory and her sister went away overnight to visit some family.  That was the first time we had spent the night apart, and I had a nightmare, and it involved widowhoodd.  I dreamed that a neighbor told me that my next door neighbor had died.  They are a young couple with a new baby, and my concern was for her husband, that he would be going through the widowhood nightmare.  The next morning, I was relieved to see her walking out her door.

Any marriage later in life presents challenges that aren't there in marriages that happen with younger people.  This is probably more so with widows, especially when married to non-widows.  Glory is married to a man who is in love with two women.  While she is understanding most of the time, sometimes it is hard for her.  I get scared when she's late coming home from work, and have to keep that to myself because I recognize that it's an unreasonable fear.

Being married is never easy.  Being married later in life is even harder.  Being married as a widow is even harder still.  With the right attitude and most importantly the right person, though, it can be wonderful.

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Comment by Tommi on April 18, 2015 at 4:33pm

Very true Alan!!!!  Hugs to you and Glory!!!!

Comment by Next to B/8 on April 7, 2015 at 10:58pm

What you say Alan rings very true. I am divorced twice and widowed from the love of my life. I think the human heart was designed to able to give  and receive love through out our mentally capable lifetime. If people have four,five six ,children don't they get the love from Mom + Dad equally? What you have going is refreshing to read and I wish you well. In a loss the heart is a lonely hunter.

Comment by Mac on April 6, 2015 at 8:25pm

Congratulations Alan.

Comment by Msprissy on March 30, 2015 at 4:39pm

I also got remarried to a friend of my late husband who lost his 16 year old son a year and half after my loss.  We were married six months later. His son was his only child and I have 3 daughters with now 5 grandchildren.  We needed him and he needed us.  God had a plan too.  It is very challenging, for all the reasons you described, but worth the journey.  I worried about our challenges and if it was normal but thank you so much for helping me discover it's O.K. and normal. We have been married 2 yrs now and I was married 28 yrs last time.  Tom and I were connected heart and soul and I still miss him everyday, I don't ever see that changing, but I do still have to live on.  

Comment by AlanRRT on March 24, 2015 at 8:27am

Thanks all for your kind words.  Reading my blog over again, I think I made it sound too negative.  It's not, being remarried has been a very positive experience.  It does have its challenges, which is the point of my blog.  Judy and Sue, we all lost loving spouses, and we know what a good marriage is.  So the bar is set high, so if you meet a man that you want to date, keep that bar set high!  We all deserve the best, don't let anyone into your life who won't give it to you.  Best wishes to all of you.

Comment by only1sue on March 23, 2015 at 11:08pm

Thank you for putting some of your hopes and fears into words.  I would like another chance at marriage but so far haven't found anyone to whom I would like to be married.  But there is still time ahead when that might change. And it is not only because I am lonely but because in a way I am at my best when part of a team. So  hope one day hat man who is the right fit comes along.  Congratulations to you both, I hope you have many happy years together.

Comment by judy on March 23, 2015 at 6:30pm

Thank you Alan for putting it all out there - and really happy for you and Glory.  I've thought about dating but I'm still not sure.

Comment by Marsha on March 23, 2015 at 5:22pm

Congratulations Alan! I wish you and Glory many blessings and happiness in your marriage. 

Comment by Patience (Diane) on March 23, 2015 at 3:57pm
Thank you for your honest thoughts Alan. Sending best wishes of happiness on your marriage :)

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