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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I am busy most of the time, it is a deliberate strategy on my part. I was in the shops today and suddenly I urgently wanted to go home. I recall my Ray doing that as part of his dementia so I hope it is not like that. It is like a sudden onset of overwhelming tiredness. A sudden  thought that I have finished wanting to be where l am. Sometimes I give in to the feeling and head home and sometimes I try to to stay a while longer, tough it out. Going home is only a ten minute drive from where I mostly shop so not an arduous task but sometimes even that takes an effort. Sometimes when it happened to  Ray I would buy him a milkshake and that brightened him up. Maybe grabbing a drink of water would help me too.

I have been doing some thinking about how I will deal with having the aneurysm operated on if that is the option the neurosurgeon recommends on Tuesday. I have taken on board the fact that having it operated on would cause one set of problems and not having it operated on might cause a stroke which when you think of it is another one of life's little ironies.From time to time we all have to put our life on hold for some reason and that is how I feel right now, as if the life in front of me is blank. I did have plans, now all of that is off in the mist. 

Because it is officially Spring  I have been thinking of planning a little holiday not too far away from here, just somewhere to be in a different environment. I don't feel I want to be with family although that is the cheaper option, sometimes being away from home brings perspective and that is what I need. When I stay at home all I can see is that a lot needs doing, and I need to decide some kind of priority. Of course I could cancel all other engagements and concentrate on a big Spring clean, maybe that would be a better idea.

My daughter will take me to see the neurosurgeon  on Tuesday to check out the brain aneurysm.The melanoma specialist made the appointment so I know nothing about him. It is always scary  enough going to someone new without the complications of a delicate brain surgery. But if it has to be done it has to be done. I don't want the prospect of having a stroke somewhere in the future after looking after my husband who had multiple stroke for so many years. It seems so ironic that something that caused us so much pain with the loss of our future together could now be in my future as a widow too.

Since the lymph node surgery my movement has been restricted but by perseverance I am now able to walk downstairs. I finished the "Better Health Management" course and although I didn't learn much that was new it did reaffirm that my recovery is up to me. So I have resumed doing yoga using the Wii balance board and going for a twenty  minutes walk at least three days a week. When the weather is warmer I will walk on the beach to strengthen my leg muscles. At the moment it is still too windy, we do have a lot of winds in August on my  part of the Coast, so on the beach is not the place to be.

Perhaps by mid September I should be starting to get fitter and even maybe to drop a few pounds and I think I may start to feel better about life. And with the warmer weather and the end of the flu season I could see a decrease in my constant stream of hospital visits. When you take into consideration the sadness that often involves it is no wonder I feel down. There is only so much sadness we can feel on the behalf of others and not let it affect us. I could certainly use some good news right now. Hopefully that will not be too long coming.

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Comment by riet on September 3, 2018 at 7:43am

The best wishes to you Sue.  Hope it all goes well and you get good news.

Here , Autumn starts.  I feel not comfortable with the coming bad seasons.  First time without my husband. Sad that   we will never be able to enjoy  the beautiful  fall colors together again.

Many memories come up now. I miss him so much.

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