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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

It's been over 2 years since he died.

I feel lost.  I don't know where to go, what to do, who to see or even why I am here.

I sure didn't have this empty and lost void on my scope of experiences and I just can't even get a foothold, or even the will to climb.  I just don't know what it is that I could be even trying to achieve anymore.

Daily palliative radiotherapy immediately following a shocking terminal diagnosis robbed my husband of any energy, he slept on the lounge being unable to traverse our 2 storey home, he was frail, in agonising pain and unable to achieve any of his wishes and desires.  Cancer robbed him of achieving his dreams and goals and I live with so many regrets. Our marriage was rocky but it was our marriage.  I miss him.

My life seems to be on hold.  I cared for him during his illness.  I am alone. My health is failing, I have found work, but it doesn't cover all the bills, so the little bit of superannuation left is dwindling.  

Life isn't where we had planned, and I know that we have little control over it all, but everything I am told or read tells me to speak with family and friends, to go places where it makes me feel good.....well I have no one, I can't get out and about due to my health restrictions and all my family are gone and our friends are aren't really friends - they chose to not be around when he needed them, and although I contacted them when he was ill and dying they didn't come....friends HA!!!

I don't have a passion for anything,  I don't know what my values or goals are anymore- they were all wrapped around family and those values died with my husband.

Life has been so horrible with so many illnesses, deaths of family I have lost all hope and can't seem to swim through all this stagnant wasteland.

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Comment by chez2all on March 13, 2016 at 4:21am

That utter and complete hopelessness is so hard to live with...and yet many of us have and are here to tell the tale.  Keep breathing, do the next right thing and one day, who knows, you may find you didn't have to remember to breathe.  It just kind of happens over time.  I am so sorry for your loss and the further losses you are still experiencing.  I've lived it!  4 years down the track I can honestly say it's been a rollercoaster of a ride but worth sticking around for.  I have my own house again, work, a loving family (for the most part) and loyal friends who have stuck around (those who didn't I don't consider friends anyway).  I am developing an interest in the outside world again and exploring hobbies and music - it's so good to be able to enjoy music again!

Keep talking with other widowed folk, it does help.  I found writing blogs helped me see my way through the fog and the heartache.  Please take heart from others who have walked this does get better.  In the meantime we are here...thinking of you...Chez

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on January 25, 2016 at 12:45pm

Dear Smarty,

What you are feeling is not unlike what many of us have felt.  What others don't understand is that in addition to the loss of our life partner (as if that weren't bad enough), we often experience many other losses that compound our feelings of being lost, hopeless, aimless, and without hope. 

I too, have experienced many of the things you talk about.  Being betrayed or forgotten by family members/friends, financial losses, health problems, work problems, and just every damn thing you can think of. 

It tapped me out.  Was at the end of my rope.  Even my beautiful, lovely, ebullient granddaughter could not save me from myself.  The truth is, you can't "live for someone else".  You have to have your own reasons to go on.  For me, I had very few.

BUT, I waited.  I had my friends here who understood what I was going through, and I promised I would wait to check out for at least 5 years.  That was 2 years ago.  I just waited.  Even on the days I felt exhausted, depressed, hopeless and helpless, I waited.

And now, almost 4 years after my husband's death.  Things are beginning to change. My financial situation is better. My living situation is better. My health issues are being addressed. My social life is better. I have now, the beginnings of hope, and a vision for the future.

Through my darkest times, I could always come here and rant.  I could rail about my anger, my pain, my fear, my hopelessness. With no judgement and with a group of caring and understanding people.

I highly recommend you keep doing that.  And WAIT.  Just wait.  Because we can always check out later if things don't change. I gave it 5 years. It took 3.5.  You may not have to wait that long.

Keep writing and ranting.  You have to have a place to get it out.  Come to chat and find an understanding soul.

This is an awful, awful experience to have, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  We are HERE.

I wish you the best.

That's all I got.

Comment by SweetMelissa on January 24, 2016 at 11:21am

(((((Hugs SAP))))) .... hmmm ... I don' t know about those initials!

I've been there, done that, all the while wishing I could/would just die. That was the most trying time of my grief journey.

In person support groups could very well be helpful to alleviate loneliness, frustration & depression. Check for support groups at hospitals, community centers, churches as well as in your local area. You might also want to visit your doctor to check for depression; s/he might be able to prescribe a med to help you function.

I had so many many regrets, it got to the point that I had regrets about being alive.

I combined my spirituality & childhood Catholic training to get me through my entire journey. I did alot of daily shouting "I'm sorry" while crying & begging on hands & knees for forgiveness for myself. I, then, followed up with different modalities to boost my self esteem. Reminded myself that I am loved-eventually I was able to say, I love yòu to myself. Most times, when I would engage my practice I could hear the little devil on my shoulder whisper into my ear, "you are not worthy!" over & over. Funny thing, is once I rubbed my shoulder the little bastard would disappear. 

I also read many self help and spiritual books -they were like little life preservers. From the books, I gathered many tips & suggestions combined them into a small daily reference notebook for my eyes only. One word of advice, healing methods do not work if they are not practiced with regularity and faith.

To ease stress, I suggest massage. If you have a local Sprouts, massage services are offered at some of the stores for around $10-$12 per session. Massage schools offer free massage for training purposes.

Sometimes, family & friends just don't know how to help. The other is since there are emotional attachments w/these people, it can create touchy situations as well as unforseen expectations. In your state, enlisting the help of compassionate people would be more suitable. Perhaps, if you call around to local churches you might be able to find one w/neighborhood sevices in exchange for donations. Some services like house/yard work, rides, & monthly distribution of free food. Most Catholic services have a one time free program to help with utilities. You could also check publc assistance to see if you qualify for food stamps as well as check their other programs fitting to your needs. Community centers, generally, have service programs as well as information on public assistance. 

I know it all sounds overwhelming -just take it slowly & get some help.

I will pray for you ...

SM ...

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