It's been over 2 years since he died.
I feel lost. I don't know where to go, what to do, who to see or even why I am here.
I sure didn't have this empty and lost void on my scope of experiences and I just can't even get a foothold, or even the will to climb. I just don't know what it is that I could be even trying to achieve anymore.
Daily palliative radiotherapy immediately following a shocking terminal diagnosis robbed my husband of any energy, he slept on the lounge being unable to traverse our 2 storey home, he was frail, in agonising pain and unable to achieve any of his wishes and desires. Cancer robbed him of achieving his dreams and goals and I live with so many regrets. Our marriage was rocky but it was our marriage. I miss him.
My life seems to be on hold. I cared for him during his illness. I am alone. My health is failing, I have found work, but it doesn't cover all the bills, so the little bit of superannuation left is dwindling.
Life isn't where we had planned, and I know that we have little control over it all, but everything I am told or read tells me to speak with family and friends, to go places where it makes me feel good.....well I have no one, I can't get out and about due to my health restrictions and all my family are gone and our friends are aren't really friends - they chose to not be around when he needed them, and although I contacted them when he was ill and dying they didn't come....friends HA!!!
I don't have a passion for anything, I don't know what my values or goals are anymore- they were all wrapped around family and those values died with my husband.
Life has been so horrible with so many illnesses, deaths of family I have lost all hope and can't seem to swim through all this stagnant wasteland.