This weekend I became a first time Grandmother. This sweet little girl wrapped me around her finger instantly. I cried and laughed and hugged and kissed...but as I was leaving my driveway to go to the town when my daughter lives I had a bit of a melt down. As I was sitting there waiting for the gate to close it hit me that I would be driving back in with a changed heart. And in that moment I needed Howard so incredibly much...and he was not here..I could not get out of the car and go inside his office and have him hold me...never again will that happen. And never so much has his loss hit me like that since the shock wore off of him being gone. I cried the whole hour and a half drive. I talked to him though...I heard his words of wisdom for me. It wasn't quite what I needed ~ but I took every bit of comfort from the echo of his words that I possibly could. There have been lots of firsts without him in the past 2 years 5 months 14 days and some odd hours. I miss him.. I love him still. I still want to share these precious moments of life with him. I try to keep an open mind and stay grounded in reality..whatever that means. Some days are better than others of course. I know one day I will stop counting breaths and days without him. But I don't think I will ever stop talking to him.