A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Well...I'm still here. Which is a good thing. I'm supposed to be here I guess. I have things to do. I need to get it together so I can be a Mother (to my grown son), a Grandmother (which is what I've been asking for for at least 6 years. I recall thinking how my granddaughter being born 5 days after Paul died was such a blessing during the most terrible time of my life. I also thought sometimes that it was cruel. Because I had looked so forward to the trip to Hawaii Paul and I were going to take to welcome her into the world. I wanted him to be there with me to share one of the most important moments in my life. And I wanted to see him with the baby (my son's baby, not "our" son's). Paul was so good with children. This big, tall tough Marine guy would sit on the floor and play "trucks" with his little nephew. It was one of the reasons I loved him.
But it didn't happen that way. I wish I were able to let go of these fantasies, the losses of my future plans for us.
Even so, I have a deep need to be there for my granddaughter. I never knew any of my grandparents, and I remember what that felt like. I want to be in her life. I want to introduce her to butterflies and books, art and great poetry.
So I have a very, very good reason to go on, but yet some days I still find it so difficult. I say "I hate my life", or "Life is so hard" And then I feel guilty for that. Because I know there are people in this world who struggle just to eat, and those that watch as their families are torn apart by war, famine, disease and poverty. So who am I to be so flippant about my life? So ungrateful. I should be thanking God every day for the comforts I have. But I don't. I complain, and whine and lash out.
Yet I'm still here. And so, for that I owe it to myself? God? those less fortunate than me? all of them? to do something with this life I've been given. So, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try to remember my blessings instead of my curses, my haves instead of my "have nots", and remember there are no guarantees in this life - so I better take each breathe with the realization that the next one is not a promise.