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After 7 years I hoped I would be better at this. This morning I am having a very hard time. Two weeks after losing my husband I found a job. I met a lady there that helped me make it through each day. She was so good and kind to me. Friday night she lost her husband. My heart just breaks for her. He had lost his insurance when he had to quit work because he got sick. Now he is lying in the morgue until she can figure out how to bury him or what to do. I can't imagine having to do this. It has sent me into a weeping frenzy. I have spoke on the phone with her and want to visit but can't build up the courage. I want to be a support not a sniveling disaster. How do I man up and help her?

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Comment by LadyG on July 29, 2018 at 10:34pm

Dear Stll Lost,

Just BE with her.  It's ok if you're a sniveling disaster. What will comfort her is being with someone who knows this kind of loss. You don't even have to say anything. It feels awkward,  I know.   Two years after my husband,  one of my dear friends husband died in his sleep. Other people were trying to be supportive but giving her the usual platitudes. The kind of stuff that REALLY doesn't help when it's fresh (or EVER in my opinion).  I could just sit with her and let her talk. Or sit in silence while she stared into space as we drank tea. She told me until this happened to her she really had no understanding of what it had been for me two years prior. We can cry together and that's o.k.  I feel her loss as my own and also in the loss of this wonderful man who belonged to her that I will never get to see again either. Be there for her as only you can do. You do not have to be strong for her but show her that the pain is normal. That everything she will go through is normal for her and people shouldn't tell her any different. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on July 23, 2018 at 4:59pm

I agree w/Mom of Boys, start a GoFundMe page for her ...

Her husband's his burial is the most pressing issue ...

Comment by Callie2 on July 23, 2018 at 4:28pm

Hugs to you Aunt T. I can understand how a situation like this can bring it all back up to the surface. I agree with Janet, just do the best you can to be supportive. Though it’s been a while for me, I remember some of the most helpful words of comfort were of few words, maybe even a brief phone call. It is really unfortunate that she has to deal with financial issues too, I hope she gets the help she needs.

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on July 23, 2018 at 10:58am

Do the best you can to just be there to give her support you can. Sending you lots of hugs my friend.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on July 23, 2018 at 8:23am

@ Dianne, that's a sweet story.  You are truly a hero.  I want more than anything to be able to make a difference like that to someone one day.

@Step, go see her and cry with her.  It's okay really.  Often times that is a bigger help than money!  When my GF drove straight through from Mo after Jerry died, it meant more to me at that time than winning a Powerball would have. 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on July 22, 2018 at 3:11pm

There are no words that will make this better for her, you know that Steph. But oh what a difference you'll make if you just go to her and give her that hug and just listen. Let her talk. Let her share his name and memories. And cry with her. You can't fix her sorrow - and that's what her non-widowed friends will probably try to do. She'll see you and know that you have survived your loss (not that it's easy or quick, but you're still standing) and that alone may give her a little bit of hope that she, too, will survive this. And you can be her safe space, her person to talk to when she just needs to talk.

On Thursday I met with a local widower just days out from his loss. He didn't think he was strong enough to attend my local Soaring Spirits group meeting, so we met at a little coffee shop. He shared. He cried. He showed me photos. And I just let him share and keep repeating stories. I also asked a widower friend of mine to stop by so he could talk to a guy and get his perspective. It was wonderful.  At the end of our two hours he said he'd like to try coming to our meeting this coming week. We'll see if he's able to do that, but whether he does or not he now has my and Greg's cell numbers to reach out to when he needs to.

Comment by only1sue on July 21, 2018 at 11:21pm

Being there for her is all you can do. You need to be there physically to give her a hug. Hugging with tears rolling down your face is okay, it shows you are sincere. The first time you help someone through grief is always going to be  tough but you can do it, you have enough courage, we all do because we have been there.  Hope that it the kick you need to just go see her. 

Comment by Sad One on July 21, 2018 at 9:10am

Dear AuntT,  I am sorry for your friend's loss. I was in similar situation when my husband died 7 years ago. Gratefully, he and I talked about what final services he preferred, as we both knew he didn't have much time left, as it was late stage cancer. He chose cremation, nothing fancy, he told me, he didn't want to be buried or go In a wall (i forget what that is called).  In the end, it was the cheaper way to go. Hope this helps. Also, just being a friend to her is all we can do, not even have to talk, as there's too much to want to say and yet no words for it. ((hugs))

Comment by AuntT (Steph) on July 21, 2018 at 8:28am

Someone has started one. Hope it gets some response.

Comment by MomOfBoys (Tammi) on July 21, 2018 at 8:04am

Can you start a GoFundMe page for her?

My friends starte one for me and it was a lifesaver.

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