On the 7th of February was 7 months of being a widow. Truth be told, I hate this new path. I'm so angry. At who? Myself, my husband, my new life, my family, my Job, the cat? I can't even tell you for sure. Maybe just me.... maybe all of the above. I just know I hate this new path and i'm so angry. It prevents me from taking those steps to heal. I'm shut in. Shut down. Locked away behind my big picture window. Staring.
Strong. Strong is what I get described as. "You are so strong Erin. You are so amazing Erin. I can't even imagine the strength it takes to go through what you're going through Erin. You are the strongest woman. Toby always admired your strength. Toby would want you to be strong for him right now. " A polite smile is what I throw on my face because I don't want to be rude to anyone. It's not their fault. They have no idea how twisted and negative I have become.They are just trying to encourage me. 7 months ago, I probably uttered the same words to someone who was grieving. I didn't know any better. So, now I smile at them all. The rational side of my brain recognizes this kindness from everybody, but the emotional side hates the word "strong".
In my brain i'm responding, "ahh bugger off. Strength would be moving forward. You have no clue. I'm not strong. I sit in my house and whither away. Sleep all the time. I stare at the wall. I stare at the ceiling. I stare out the window at his car that gathers snow. I stare at his photo. I stare at his urn. I stare at our backyard. I flip through 900+ channels. I drink wine to numb the pain. That's not strength. Strength would be moving forward. Strength would be sleeping in our own bed, but I can't. I sleep on the couch because I cant bear to disturb where we last slept together. So shut up and go away. You have no idea what strength is because it's not me. The strength you think you see is an illusion, mirage, a pretty girl putting on a pretty smile to make you feel better."
Even writing those words I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed because I know people just want to help me, but that is how I feel when people try to talk to me. So, I shut myself in. Shutdown. Locked away. Staring. Such a long journey. Such a painful path. Such a lonely world I seem to have created for myself.
No, i'm not strong and I hate this new path. Yes. I get up. I go to work. I come home. Even after 7 months I can't do much more. I truly hate this new path.