I am stuck. Physically, emotionally, occupationally, domestically. Stuck. Inert. Muscles frozen, breath tight. Stuck in this body, stuck in this life. Stuck in this house, this town, this region. I can’t get away from myself.
I keep reading these blog posts about how widows have changed from their loss. I don’t feel changed in a good way. I feel removed from where I was and sent to the back of the line. I feel myself slipping. I was doing pretty well for a while, feeling pretty good, mostly positive, able to look forward. Now I feel stuck. Stuck with old worries, old fears and old bad habits. Second year doldrums? Maybe.
There has got to be something good. I think I am more compassionate, more aware of the heartache carried by others, more careful not to make snap judgments, more careful to step lightly. Who knows what others are carrying? I now know that bad things do happen and even are supposed to happen—meaning that we will lose people we love and we don’t get to keep things/situations/arrangements just because we think they are ours.
I am stuck. I want to be social, want to go out but being with couples I know highlights Ron’s absence and being with new people requires more energy than I have so I am stuck.
I have been stuck in a stagnant no-career limbo for more than a decade. I feel a degree of shame for this. Am I lazy? Spoiled? Why do I resist moving forward? Why is it so scary? How am I going to support my family?
I am mad a Ron. He wasn’t supposed to leave me. I am not supposed to be alone. This is the me I don’t like. Somehow I felt okay with him. Alone, not sure. There were times during out marriage when I used to think I was stronger alone, that being with Ron made me give in to my weaknesses—because there was someone available to pick up after my mess or protect me from the mess. Now it is just me and I don’t know.
Too alone. I spoke on the phone to a friend for 15 minutes , my boss for 5 minutes , and to a customer service person for 5 minutes this morning. That is the extent of interaction with other adults for today. Shit. I will pick up the girls soon and I look forward to seeing them (with slight trepidation that they may be in foul moods and take those moods out on me). I will make dinner and drive the basketball carpool. I will help Samantha with her homework and probably play cards or a board game with her. I will clean up the kitchen and we will fold laundry.
I need some adult company. I need some adult conversation and mental stimulation. I need an ally and someone to care about my life the way only Ron could. I need to figure out how to care for my life myself, without Ron. I need to get my shit together and get unstuck.