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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I am stuck. Physically, emotionally, occupationally, domestically. Stuck. Inert.  Muscles frozen, breath tight. Stuck in this body, stuck in this life. Stuck in this house, this town, this region.  I can’t get away from myself.

I keep reading these blog posts about how widows have changed from their loss.  I don’t  feel changed in a good way. I feel removed from where I was and sent to the back of the line.  I feel myself slipping. I was doing pretty well for a while, feeling pretty good, mostly positive, able to look forward.  Now I feel stuck. Stuck with old worries, old fears and old bad habits.  Second year doldrums? Maybe.

There has got to be something good. I think I am more compassionate, more aware of the heartache carried by others, more careful not to make snap judgments, more careful to step lightly.  Who knows what others are carrying?  I now know that bad things do happen and even are supposed to happen—meaning that we will lose people we love and we don’t get to keep things/situations/arrangements just because we think they are ours.  

I am stuck. I want to be social, want to go out but being with couples I know highlights Ron’s absence and being with new people requires more energy than I have so I am stuck.

I have been stuck in a stagnant no-career limbo for more than a decade. I feel a degree of shame for this.  Am I lazy? Spoiled? Why do I resist moving forward? Why is it so scary? How am I going to support my family?

I am mad a Ron. He wasn’t supposed to leave me. I am not supposed to be alone. This is the me I don’t like.  Somehow I felt okay with him. Alone, not sure. There were times during out marriage when I used to think I was stronger alone, that being with Ron made me give in to my weaknesses—because there was someone available to pick up after my mess or protect me from the mess.  Now it is just me and I don’t know.

Too alone. I spoke on the phone to a friend for 15 minutes , my boss for 5 minutes , and to a customer service person for 5 minutes this morning. That is the extent of interaction with other adults for today. Shit. I will pick up the girls soon and I look forward to seeing them (with slight trepidation that they may be in foul moods and take those moods out on me). I will make dinner and drive the basketball carpool.  I will help Samantha with her homework and probably play cards or a board game with her. I will clean up the kitchen and we will fold laundry. 

I need some adult company. I need some adult conversation and mental stimulation.  I need an ally and someone to care about my life the way only Ron could. I need to figure out how to care for my life myself, without Ron.   I need to get my shit together and get unstuck.

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Comment by RiseAgain on February 8, 2014 at 4:21pm

Wow. Its like this blog post is telling how I have felt over the past weeks.  I always thought I would go first, and never realized how much I leaned on Sandi and how much we supported each other in our life. Its hard, but I cant allow myself to stay stuck too long. Im not well alone to much/

Someone share with me at a fellowship meeting last week.  He said.  How do you get turn "Illness into Wellness?"  Answer:  Drop the I from Illness, and add We.   We together, and freedom from Isolation make wellness.  I Hope you can find some fellowship and suport in your area. Be good to you, and Reach out.. I got stuck several times this past few weeks,   I appreciate your honesty and speaking just like I have felt many days. 

Comment by my roses on February 5, 2014 at 6:29am

My roses   understand most of this... and feel it.  I  took note that  I had not seen another human being for

4 days.  On other occasions one is out... but  in a crowd you don't know doing the shopping.  Other times,I ring someone up and we chat.  Maybe talked to 3 people that day - but some are surprised -  couple of daysago I said to a friend  - we were supposed to catch up  after 6th Jan.  I said the last time we met  was 10th December.  She said I had not realised  it was that long.  And so it goes..... I have reached out in many ways and do have people I can talk to... but I need more than that, as I am sure you do.   I agree about an ally, someone who cares and  I feel that male company and male energy is important in one's life.  I notice when a man friend of ours comes to see me, I feel better.  Even being driven in a car with a volunteer driver (a man) made a difference.  I am not talking about sexuality here either.  I just know that a man's energy is different to a woman's and we each give each other this energy.  I did not feel it was about being protected but that  I felt more energetic and able to do things around the place.  A gardener friend came and  I go out and help and  I accomplish more.  Name it companionship perhaps?  But I think it is more than that.  If men and women are at ease with one another and helpful (the most basic level of caring) then a sense of peace

seems to reign.  I note that many  women on WV say that they are calmed by the presence of their husband.I found that if I could not sleep just putting my feet on Wes feet seemed to relax me and off to sleep I would go.  On another level one could say that we are meant for each other, to work together,  we cannot just be alone.  So an ally is a good name for it.  It is interesting that I have seen a vision of my beloved and spoken with him and he has told me that he is my ally in heaven!!  Also that he is concerned about me and is there to bring me happiness.  A lot of 'co-incidences' have occurred over this year, which tell me that he is near.Finally, I think that the 2nd year is (as many are saying) worse than the first yr.  I have already started  into my 2n year with a total melt down on the 31st of January.  Nearly as bad as I had last March.   I feel I have changed - never to be the same again.  I am doing quite a lot really, but can't say that much makes me joyful.  I like to sing and that gives some good feelings.  But otherwise it is considerable sorrow, yearning and exhaustion.  Talking to my beloved helps, as we talk I type up what is said.  So I can read it again later. I am often saying prayers for all of us.  I want peace, love and all that stuff - back to the 60s???  But I know that we cannot find a person or ally.  It is when we are not looking that someone is brought to us.

Comment by missmyhunny on February 4, 2014 at 8:15pm

First of all my heartfelt Condolences on the loss of your partner. Getting our shit together is easier said than done for sure. Your sentiments pretty much echo mine too, and this month will be my one year anniversary since my partner died, and after this month it will go into the second year phase.

There are just so many obstacles to overcome when the love of our life dies, and it truly sux, that is the only reality i know right now. There is no fix to cure what happens to us when we are left alone and bereft.

So many questions, with not very many answers, and how are we supposed to move on anyway when we are stuck in our loss?, when our whole world has just been turned upside down and inside out. We have to face everything alone, the raising of the children if we have them, the day to day silence where we once had our partner to share with, and all the other difficulties that life dishes out. I'm sure all of this loss is a big test to test our endurance and strength to just keep going one day at the time, and to come out the other end of it with our sanity still intact. I can not see why else we would have to suffer a big loss, because it makes absolutely no sense to me otherwise.

I guess we just have to learn to be nurturing of ourselves, and to stand alone and stronger, like a Warrior has only the self to rely on, because its no use relying on anyone else for our wellbeing. Life here is harsh.

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