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The second summer w/out Dave. Almost seems worse than the first. I just can't seem to accomplish much of anything, nor have any attention span. There are changes: walls in the house are knocked down (we'd talked about doing it for 8 yrs), lack of walls led to painting and minor changes in colors - and I wonder often, what would Dave have thought about it all. Other changes - me having to deal w/ the dock, boat, etc. at the lake. So, things to do get done, but why does it seem like it takes SO much energy to do them?
The 4th - came and went. For Dave, the 4th was his Christmas and we made it a HUGE deal. From the time we were dating, we had not missed fireworks out on the lake - not for chemo, not for pregnancies - regardless we were on the water at 10 p.m. on July 4th. Most of our friends all have boats on the same lake, so we started hosting an elaborate grill out that evening before we'd all head out onto the water. We'd spend hours the evenings of the 2nd & 3rd prepping for it (had to be out on the water during the day ), & often, Dave would take the week off of work. It was a magical week every year for our kids.
This year - still spent the week at the cabin, still spent evening of the 3rd prepping, still grilled out - though just burgers & dogs, still were on the water at 10 p.m. on the 4th. Yet rather than the "Ooh, Ahh, Oh" of the fireworks, all I could do was cry. So much was the same, yet even with the boys and all our friends around, I felt incredibly alone, empty, & resentful - not angry, but truly resentful. This was Dave's holiday - this was what we'd worked so hard to achieve, but he wasn't there to share it with - it was just me.
Will I ever stop feeling so incredibly alone, even in the midst of so many who care about and support the boys & I? Will I ever move on to stop resenting all that Dave isn't there to share with me & the boys?