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Summer II
The second summer w/out Dave. Almost seems worse than the first. I just can't seem to accomplish much of anything, nor have any attention span. There are changes: walls in the house are knocked down (we'd talked about doing it for 8 yrs), lack of walls led to painting and minor changes in colors - and I wonder often, what would Dave have thought about it all. Other changes - me having to deal w/ the dock, boat, etc. at the lake. So, things to do get done, but why does it seem like it takes SO much energy to do them?
The 4th - came and went. For Dave, the 4th was his Christmas and we made it a HUGE deal. From the time we were dating, we had not missed fireworks out on the lake - not for chemo, not for pregnancies - regardless we were on the water at 10 p.m. on July 4th. Most of our friends all have boats on the same lake, so we started hosting an elaborate grill out that evening before we'd all head out onto the water. We'd spend hours the evenings of the 2nd & 3rd prepping for it (had to be out on the water during the day ), & often, Dave would take the week off of work. It was a magical week every year for our kids.
This year - still spent the week at the cabin, still spent evening of the 3rd prepping, still grilled out - though just burgers & dogs, still were on the water at 10 p.m. on the 4th. Yet rather than the "Ooh, Ahh, Oh" of the fireworks, all I could do was cry. So much was the same, yet even with the boys and all our friends around, I felt incredibly alone, empty, & resentful - not angry, but truly resentful. This was Dave's holiday - this was what we'd worked so hard to achieve, but he wasn't there to share it with - it was just me.
Will I ever stop feeling so incredibly alone, even in the midst of so many who care about and support the boys & I? Will I ever move on to stop resenting all that Dave isn't there to share with me & the boys?
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Comment by hendrixx2 on July 12, 2012 at 4:01pm -
Hi Kerryn,
I can truly understand your feelings about the summer, it was the time DJ and I enjoyed the most; that she is not here, this first one is proving to be a challenge for me. It is my prayer for us that in time we can release the resentment we may feel and truly move forward keeping our memories without so much of the pain...
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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on July 11, 2012 at 6:07pm
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Kerryn, This is my second summer also, my husband KC passed in May 2011. I'm like you this one has been so much harder then the first one. For me I think I worked so hard to keep up with everything that my husband cared about that I focused only on that. This year it's more like why bother he's not here to see it, he's not here to enjoy all that we worked for. KC and I always went away for the forth and I did go the week-end before just because we had my BIL's memorial service. But I came home before the forth because I just couldn't be where he and I always spent it together. I look back and I have changed so much about what I do because I avoid anything we did together. Not sure if that's a good thing but it is how I make it through the days that meant so much to us both. I totally understand. Hang in there!
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Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on July 10, 2012 at 3:08am -
I have often thought that in many ways the 2nd year is much harder than the 1st. Yes, we accomplish the milestone of having completed all "the firsts", but then, it seems, the numbness and shock have worn off and we are really at that place of..."this shit is real". I don't know it just seemed to me like during the 2nd year the finality of it all finally sunk in.
Feeling resentment sucks, but it is part of the process and it does go away. I don't know how you and your boys might feel about starting a new July 4th tradition next year. One the honors Dave, but that is also just yours. My heart goes out to you that you were alone and crying out on the lake. I think sometimes the loneliness is more acute when we are with people we love. It's counter-intuitive, but it's easier to ignore when we're around people who don't matter. imo.
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