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Sun shining, leaves crinkling, flowers budding... and I sit and wallow.

Dear Toby

I played hooky from work.  I just didn't want to talk to anyone today (This is happening more and more lately. It's getting hard to show a strong exterior. I'm starting to crumble inside).  I wanted to sleep.  I still don't sleep restfully. I seem to fall asleep with the help of melatonin pills, but actually waking up fully rested evades me.  I don't always remember what I dream about.  The times I do remember it is the movie reel of you dying and me finding you on the side of the road.  So, I must replay this movie reel more often than I realize. Might be why I don't feel rested. My mind is still trying to come to terms with that day. 

Anywhoo... I tried to sleep in, but our pesky cats don't know what sleeping in means. Jade is wailing in my ear because he thinks he's starving and Ari is sitting on my chest chirping. Slighting taping my forehead.  Alright..... I'm UP!!  I look up at the clock and it reads 7am.  Ugh... come on!!

I make it back to the couch after feeding the two beasts we have left (yes... I still sleep on the couch. Even after 8 months. I just can't sleep in our bed. I don’t know if I will ever be able to again. I hate how cold and lonely it feels). I watch TV. Drink Coffee. Surf the web. Fall asleep again until 10am.  I wake up to find it is sunny and in the 50's.  I look out at our backyard and feel dread. I have to clean this shit up all by myself. I stand staring outside at my wonderfully brown and green backyard. Just begging for me to get out there and all I can do is feel bad for myself. %^#@!*&

I used to look forward to this exact sunny day every year. I would run through the house putting on tank tops, shorts, sandals, sun glasses, and the whole time trying to get you excited enough to join me outside.  You would watch me flit through the house saying, "yes dear.... I'm coming" and sip your coffee with book in hand.....completely knowing full well it's still too cold out to wear what I am wearing.  

I rush outside bursting to play in the dirt and sun.  I last a whole 10 minutes before I come in.  I don't make eye contact with you because I always hated when you were right (which was often). Marched upstairs, put my jeans on and a sweater, some light gloves, and my bandanna to cover my sensitive ears. I make it back down to find you waiting for me at the back door. Smiling, your Nicks work boots on, torn up blue jeans, sun glasses and coffee mug full. "You ready to finally work outside instead of fluttering around here like you're a fairy that hasn't seen the sun in months?". I'd glare at you, put my hands on my hips and say "Awe... shut it." You'd laugh.... your deep hearty laugh. Grab my neck and pull me into your chest and kiss my head. "Buck up buttercup. We need to wake up your "precious's""

Damn I miss you so much that every part of my body hurts. Every sensory receptor I have is craving you. They are back firing and it's rather painful. I crave your voice, your hearty laugh, your touch, and your powerful presence. 

I finally made it outside.  I wasn't as excited as I once was to uncover my "precious" plants. I was more like a machine, which made me even more sad.  I found all of Daytona's toys too. This made me lonelier outback.  I threw them in a box. Knowing that you and our little chemically imbalanced dog won’t be joining me in our backyard....... ever again.

Thinking to myself……. I am bad country song.  Yep.... I am a very bad country song. Lost the husband. Check. Lost the cat. Check. Lost the dog. Check. Feeling lonely. Check check check.  Might as well crack a beer and sit in our brown yard and wallow.

Soooo.... I did. In the sun. 




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Comment by IndiaKai on March 28, 2014 at 12:09pm

I hope it warms up a little in MD/DC area.  I'm heading there next Friday and would love to walk the mall and see the beautiful cherry blossoms in the sun!  :)  

Comment by MissingRKK on March 27, 2014 at 5:56am

Oh IndiaKai, the spring is so tough isn't it? All those sensory triggers. I just wrote a post about spring time I will put up when I am done writing to you. I send you hugs and wishes that we can enjoy the sun and the plants (if it ever actually warms up--it is so cold right now in MD.). HUGS!!!

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