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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Today is Sunday #22. 

My weeks have become that.  What Sunday is it now?  The rest of the week can come and go, but Sundays,  well, they are "special" to be forever ingrained in my life, my brain, how I eat and sleep.  Randy died on a Sunday. I count them and can't believe it has only been 22 Sundays.  It feels like a liftetime ago that I saw him, kissed him, shoot, got mad at him!  I feel like I can't remember what he looks like. I feel like it has been YEARS that I saw him and at the same time feel like it happened yesterday.

People say I am strong.  PFFFT!  Stong is such an odd term.  How am I strong?  Because I get up in the morning?  Because I can still function some?  That isn't strength, that is necessity.  I have to get up, take a shower, be there for my sons.  This grief thing?  This right here?  It's bullshit.  But I will not let it defeat me, define me, become me.  I will go through, ride this wave, but eventually I will reach shore and stand up.  I have to.  Have to for me, my family, FOR RANDY.

I think widows get caught up in grief.  Before you throw the stones, I see it.  All. The. Time.  Grieve and grieve hard, but it isn't who you are.  It just isn't.  I know for me, if I had died I would have wanted my husband to be happy, (while secretly I do want to claw the eyes out of any girl who even looks his way), but I can't be selfish like that.  Everyone deserves to be happy.

I think widows, (I HATE that word) feel guilty to be happy.  Like they are somehow betraying their dead husband.  You aren't.  While right now I still feel very married to Randy, and am happy to be that way, I do want to eventually be happy.  Maybe even find a companion.  Cause this being alone thing sucks.  Being a single mom sucks.  Going to bed by yourself at night - sucks.  

I stare at my wedding ring at times and it feels like a strange facade. Like I am playing make believe, because I am not married anymore, I am single.  Which  I DO NOT want to be...but I am.  I hate that so much.  It, for *me*, is the worst.  Being single.  I won't say widow anymore.  That word seems so doom and gloom.  So whoa is me.  So 1940s.  Like I should be wearing all black and have my sensible stockings and comfortable shoes.  I am young!  I have lots of life yet to live.

So while Sundays might define me...being a widow will not.

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Comment by YLG on September 15, 2018 at 8:59am

Martin died on a Sunday...but I am not counting Sundays. I am still wearing my wedding band. In the old days, people wore them until a new love came around. I know. People will view it as a barrier. Don't care. I will always be married to Martin. He is the father of our children and I loved him. 31 years. I cry over the loss of intimacy, laughter, and sharing. My solace is that everything was right in his world when he went to sleep...and then he was gone. I hate the W word, too. I never say it. I might say, "Since I've been on my own" or "Since Martin died..." But I am not a fan of that w--word! :) It will be 2 years in October and life has gone forward. It does not seem possible.

Comment by NancyD on September 13, 2018 at 11:11am

This is a very thought-provoking post.  Thanks for writing your feelings so honestly.  Much what you say here is not how I feel (I do not hate the word widow and I do not feel guilty when happy) but I am encouraged that we have all found this safe place to express ourselves.  All of us know the pain of losing our partner and all of us struggle with finding a way to build a peaceful and meaningful life TODAY.  It isn't easy and it yes, it sucks. But we are doing it, one day at a time.  Hugs to you.

Comment by Lifeunknown17 on September 5, 2018 at 8:48pm

I concur. I believe i may have mentioned, regarding the ring comment. This is much of the reasons i took mine off.  To make it real, to say to  myself, she is gone, this is not a joke, and you are single like it or not. deal with it.  

Comment by MartyG (ver. 2.2) on September 4, 2018 at 6:52am

You area survivor....and an inspiration to everyone in "the tribe."  Hugzzzzz

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on September 2, 2018 at 1:09pm

Very well said Tammi.  

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