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Yesterday was really hard for me. Our 4th of July tradition was always a pancake breakfast bbq at Patrick's uncles house, followed by a pool party at a friends house, and then caravan to watch the fireworks. This is the first 4th that didn't include any of that.
The kids had their cousins and new friends in Oregon to keep them busy. My sister and my mom tried to help me, but it just wasn't the same. I felt lost.
Finally I decided I needed to just walk. I grabbed my camera and walked down to the cliffs overlooking the ocean. The sunset was beautiful. I rarely have my camera with me for a pink and purple sunset.
I sat on the bench and cried. I know people walking by thought I was nuts, but I just needed to cry.
I miss Patrick so much, and I'm so tired of people telling me I need to figure out what my new normal is going to be. I don't want a new one. I want my old one! I want my husband and my kids want their dad.