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Hello. I am new to this site.  I lost the love of my life to cancer two weeks ago.  We were married for 21 years and have two children ages 18 and 15. Beyond the feeling of grief I have never felt before in my entire life- that comes in incredible waves out of nowhere at any time of the day...I find myself having trouble grasping that this is my new world. Who EVER thinks they are going to come part of a sight like this. I find it surreal at times. To think about the fact that John will no longer be here day to day. He will never hug me or the kids or sign off on a permission slip, run to the coffee shop and grocery store with me, take his daughter to dance....He won't see his son graduate from high school tomorrow, teach his daughter how to drive or see her turn 16 in a few months. H will no longer hand out Halloween candy or go with us to cut dow the Christmas tree or be here for me to yell "hey J" too ever again. The grief is a deep dark scary place. I try not to be there for too long because you almost feel like it could swallow you whole if you let it.  I wade through ss benefits for my daughter, figuring out Cobra for health insurance and dealing with investments etc that I really never had a hand in before. The whole thing seems somewhat surreal.  Like he's on some long business trip or I will wake up out of this nightmare at some point and go back to my "normal" life. This sucks. This is not what I set out for my life to be.  We had so many plans and dreams and things to do and experience together.  And now he's no longer here with me yet I still need to live and do and make him proud.  But how do I do that?  How do I go from John and just Shirley....

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Comment by Racingfan60 on June 16, 2017 at 6:21pm

Hello: I too am new to this site. I am 60 years old and I lost my husband suddenly on July 27, 2016 we have 2 boys ages 24 and 19 my husband had just undergone 8 weeks of radiation therapy for intermediate stage prostate cancer the doctors told us the prognosis was excellent because he was only 58 and that was considered young to have prostate cancer before he developed the cancer he had undergone a total knee replacement and 2 total hip replacements when we were deciding which type of treatment of go with I told the oncology radiologist doctor that I was very concerned because my husband had all that metal in his hips and knees but he assured me that the radiation could be given around the implants with no damage we decided to go with the radiation treatments because my dad who is 82 years old had prostate cancer two years earlier and my husband used the same doctors that my father had used my father flew through the radiation treatments with no problems at all the treatments lasted a total of 8 weeks the first 4 weeks went fine then my husband begin to complain that he was getting very weak and was having difficulty with shortness of breath which I reported this to his doctor but the doctor attributed it to the extremely hot weather we were having here in Alabama I told the doctor that I did not think it was the weather because my husband had worked in extremely hot environments his entire working life and heat did not bother him at all but the doctor said the shortness of breath would go away once the weather cooled down he even said he had other patients complaining of the same thing I know my husband reported having shortness of breath from week 4-8 of his treatments and the doctors did not order any type of blood work or MRI or scans to see if something else was causing his shortness of breath my husband died of what I am 100 percent sure was probably a pulmonary embolism but the ER doctor put down it was cardiac arrest my husband never had any type of cardiac problems at all we were to return to the office on July 28th to see if the radiation treatments had cured my husbands cancer when we did not show up to his appointment on July 28th the nurse called my while I was making funeral arrangemens and asked why my husband did not show up I was really upset and I told her he had died it did not take the nurse but a few seconds to have his doctor on the phone with me he asked what had happened and I told him I guess the hot weather had killed my husband because the ER doctor had told me that prolonged radiation could have caused a PE which is a blood clot which had gotten stuck in the arteries going to his lung and stopped his heart of course the radiation oncology doctor said that was not so I believe the ER doctor I think the doctor was trying to cover for his mistake. Next month will be a year and I miss him dearly and I am trying to be brave for my 2 boys this Sunday will be their first Father's Day without a dad I just hoping I can stay strong for them.

Comment by Molly on June 9, 2017 at 3:24pm
Hello. I am new to this also. I am sorry for your loss also. May we all find some peace in this journey we are on.
Comment by Callie2 on June 8, 2017 at 2:33pm
My condolences on your very recent loss. You begin now a long and difficult journey, one that is quite painful. It takes time to "sink in" as so many thoughts cross our minds. I remember it was the first thing on my mind when I woke up each day--I kept hoping it was just a bad dream. It's a lot to process, that's for sure. Grief does require patience too--it often takes it's time with us. You're going to get through it, in time you'll find your peace. Hugs to you.
Comment by Averysmom on June 8, 2017 at 10:17am
Hello Shirley,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I recognize all too well the emotions you describe. You are not alone. I lost the love of my life March 2nd, also to cancer. Our 24th anniversary is this coming Sunday. Even after 3 months I still get that surreal could it be that we will never do all the things we had planned? How could it be that I will never touch him or speak to him or feel the warmth of his presence again? I'm happy you found this site and I encourage you to use it. There is always someone to listen and understand whatever it is you are feeling. I know that at two weeks you are in a very difficult stage. I had those bouts of overwhelming, bone crushing grief and yes, you feel as if it might very well consume you. It will change though I think the time frame for those changes is different for everyone. I now have fewer and shorter bouts of the all consuming grief but the sadness is always there. I feel a bit like an amputee. I have lost a very important part of myself and while I know the primary wound will heal, I also know the pain will never be gone. I trust I will learn to live with the loss and find a new normal someday. Do your best to take care of yourself as you care for your children. I hope you find some comfort and encouragement here.
Comment by kellygreenstrat (Colin) on June 7, 2017 at 3:56pm

Shirley, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you found this site so early on, I did also and it has been such a blessing.  There are going to be so many ups and downs in the coming months and years,  this is a healthy place to try to make some sense of your loss.  I lost my wife February 17th of this year after 20 years of marriage, and an 8 year battle with cancer. Breaks my heart for the graduation, mostly because it was Vicky's number one goal.  She got to 2 of them, but our youngest graduates next year.  I can tell you that though it takes time, things slow enough for you to breath.  I am able to get through most days, but every day carries some weight.  Reading and writing in here are so very helpful, and if you're so inclined the chatroom can be a place to be with those who "get it".

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