Sometimes I am just plain lonely. I might do something in the morning, come home and do a few simple tasks, cook a meal and wham! there it is, the loneliness,it comes rolling in like a wave. It affects me more on Friday nights and Sunday nights, those were the debriefing times when Ray and I had good health. Friday nights we would discuss what we had done through the week and Sunday nights we would talk about what happened over the weekend. I was thinking about that tonight, without a partner is there any way I can overcome this six years out from his death?
Life goes on. School holidays are over and it is back to what stands for normal now. I have a full life, I am happy to do a lot of volunteering but on my own terms now. Given my age and state of health that is less than I used to do but there is no sense in striving for more. I want to be able to commit to a job and do it to the best of my ability. So attendance at the Craft group and Friday coffee mornings are already marked on the calendar, along with Lions activities and meetings, etc. It looks like a reasonable amount of energy output and resulting social interaction.
I have the week of tests to be done the second week in February but I am not really worried about them. They are routine now. The specialists visits are more worrying as they will interpret the results but I say : " what will be, will be". I feel well and that is the important thing to me. As long as I am able to fully function mentally and am reasonably active physically that is all I can ask. I am not looking for miracles just a manageable life.
I have turned down a few requests. Here the beginning of the year brings a lot of changes because of Annual General Meetings in either February or March. People step down from duties in the clubs I belong to and in the church and I am asked if I want to take on the jobs? Well no I don't, most of them I have done in the past but not now. Now I need to be a bit more selfish and plan a life with less stress in it. That is the right path to take to keep my own body and mind healthy. Of course I will keep having fun and hopefully be sociable and enjoy meeting up with friends and family as much as possible.
This summer has been unusually hot, not so noticeable on my part of the Coast but the inland towns are suffering from the drought and there are bushfires in Tasmania and Victoria. The old growth forests in Tasmania are a national loss as cedars and mahogany trees take decades to grow yet can be destroyed in a few minutes. We see. pictures of hundreds of acres blackened, mile after mile of valuable bush land lost, not to mention homes and shops and whole communities now just embers with people's hopes and dreams burnt to the ground. It is on our TV screens night after night on the national news programs. So sad.
But I am safe, my families are safe. I am sad for others who have lost so much but it is something we will discuss at church and at Lions and give what we can to various appeals. I have learned that I cannot save the whole world. I would have done so much more when I was younger and more energetic now I pray more and do less. I don't know if the next generation will work as hard for others as we did but that problem is not mine to worry about or to solve. I find now I know what problems I can tackle. And I do know when I do too much, my body tells me.
On the whole I am okay. I function well during the day but the evenings are empty. The summer programs on TV are mostly repeats but there are books to read and old movies to watch and the tablet to play on. I am not sure if this is the best way to live life but it is doable. In the daylight there is always work to do in the yard etc. But the nights are lonely.
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