We all have our troubles. I had another test today, a needle biopsy on my thyroid. I had four tests the week before last, the interview with the melanoma specialist last week and next week is the other brain scan to look at the aneurysm. Guess there is nothing wrong with me that I don't know about now. But what use is all of this if there is nothing they can do about any of it? I find it all very frustrating. I have so many conditions that simply relate to either ageing or family medical history. For instance my mother had her thyroid out in her early fiftiies and had other small operations in her late fifties, some of which I should probably have now. As we say: " it is just an age I am going through."
I should be grateful I have reached 70 before all this happened I suppose. But I miss having a support network that looks out for me. I miss having a husband who would look out for me. I have a lot of lovely friends but they are cyber friends rather than neighbors, far away friends instead of close family. No one will ring me tonight and ask how I'm feeling, how it went, did I learn anything new. No one will volunteer to make a meal because " you must be tired". Yes, pity party for one in progress. Why? Because for thirteen years I was someone's caregiver and now no one is mine.
Apart from that life is routine. As we near autumn (fall) the nights are gradually easing down in temperature. Which is good because I can't sleep when it is too humid. I have problems with heat and humidity in the daytime too. But days will get milder too. It will be possible to go for a walk, preferably on our flatter beachfronts, to sit in the shade and read, to picnic on some scenic spot. Summer was far too hot for that. Between now and Easter is the ideal time. It is beautiful where I live, lots of beaches, plenty of nice walks along the local lake system, by the river and creeks. There are beach cafes with drinkable coffee a nice change from the local shopping centre. So plan A is call up the girlfriends and propose some meetups.
My less than regular invitations to dinner seem to have dried up so I guess that romance is over. I still see him once or twice a week in the coffee group but the spark has gone out I guess. Hard to keep a relationship afloat with all the medical tests happening. And at my age. Making the beach cafe coffees seem more attractive as we both need space and time to think about that. Maybe it is possible to just have a low key friendship now or is that wishful thinking? I do have men in my life in Lions, at church and in other community groups, just no one special.
From time to time the color seems to drain out of my world, a bit like that right now. The melanoma specialist said there will be no further improvement in the lymphoedema. The nurse at the lymphoedema clinic said I will wear the toe to waist stockings in some form or other for the rest of my life. The stockings are difficult to put on, bulky and unattractive. Wearing them makes me feel self conscious. I know my friends pity me and that adds to my self consciousness. There is no wearing nice shoes with them, heels are out of the question. I know there are a lot of people worse off than me but that doesn't worry me when I am trying to find something in my wardrobe that is feminine and remotely attractive. Yes I know you are probably laughing at my vanity but I AM A WOMAN still.
So what to do when life is at stalemate? Think about something new to do. Think how I can make the negatives in my life into a positive. On another site I visit frequently one of the bloggers writes about how to go with the flow. For many years I kicked against that. I wanted to be in control of my life, to make my decisions and stick with them . Now I am older and wiser I know a lot of decisions have to change due to circumstances beyond our control. I fight against this every time. But I know in the end fighting is not going to get me where I need to go. So it is time to start working on acceptance...again.