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That pain that hits the heart.....

I've never been someone that needed to take down photos of Toby after he died.  I wasn't one that needed to put them all over the place either.  I think I have been middle of the road with photos. Never took any down and never put more up. I can look at them, smile, appreciate the moment, and move on....... with most of them

Every once in a while I will come across a photo that can make me hitch my breath in deeply. Next, the smell of his body spray, his deodorant, or the shampoo from the morning shower will wash over me.  Then the memory of just before or after the picture was taken will flood my brain.  The memory completely takes over my mind. 

I suck in another breath..... slowly.

I stare at that photo and can perfectly visualize what he looked like, sounded like, or felt like when that photo was taken. I've always appreciated this acute gift of my mind and sensory system..... until Toby died. When I look at a photo it triggers me and I can hear what he said to me, what I said to him, how it felt when he kissed me, what he tasted like after that sweet kiss, or what his skin smelled like in that moment. 

That's when it hits.  That pain.....

I take the third breath in.... but this one is more jagged because I can feel it coming and I can't control it.

That pain that hits the heart.

That same pain that hit me that horrifying day..... the day I knew his soul was no longer tethered to mine.

That pain that hit my heart...... before they even told me he was dead.

That pain that was so excruciating that I doubled over next to the helicopter out in that field and the medics thought I was having a heart attack.  

The pain that hits the heart...... because it knows..... you're not facing reality.

It's a reminder of what I lost and that I have to stop controlling it... stop stuffing it...... and feel it.

You have to face reality Erin..... You have to allow this pain to hit your heart. You have to allow yourself to feel it...... or you will continue to struggle.

Damn it Toby.... This not where WE were supposed to be right now.

Damn this pain that hits the heart.

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Comment by my roses on June 17, 2014 at 11:58pm

My roses

Yes  I have howled and wailed from that pain. Its so deep - its like a never ending hole has been drilled through you.  Into which fall all  your thoughts continually.   I feel as if I am crawling along - its 15 mths but the loss remains so deep. Missing his hugs, feeling the shape of his body, ruffling his hair. The list goes on.

love and blessings

Comment by IndiaKai on June 13, 2014 at 7:23am

Thanks Doug.  This was actually part of a journal entry I did in New York last December after a melt down in my hotel room, a melt down last week after an intense therapy session...... AND well... I mild melt down last night.  :)  So I took all three and revised them into what I have above.   

Comment by Doug02122014 on June 13, 2014 at 3:09am
Awe. Erin I'm so sorry for you. I too get that pain sometimes. Not so much now. But early on it was a regularly visitor. Wishing you peace and healing.


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