I've never been someone that needed to take down photos of Toby after he died. I wasn't one that needed to put them all over the place either. I think I have been middle of the road with photos. Never took any down and never put more up. I can look at them, smile, appreciate the moment, and move on....... with most of them
Every once in a while I will come across a photo that can make me hitch my breath in deeply. Next, the smell of his body spray, his deodorant, or the shampoo from the morning shower will wash over me. Then the memory of just before or after the picture was taken will flood my brain. The memory completely takes over my mind.
I suck in another breath..... slowly.
I stare at that photo and can perfectly visualize what he looked like, sounded like, or felt like when that photo was taken. I've always appreciated this acute gift of my mind and sensory system..... until Toby died. When I look at a photo it triggers me and I can hear what he said to me, what I said to him, how it felt when he kissed me, what he tasted like after that sweet kiss, or what his skin smelled like in that moment.
That's when it hits. That pain.....
I take the third breath in.... but this one is more jagged because I can feel it coming and I can't control it.
That pain that hits the heart.
That same pain that hit me that horrifying day..... the day I knew his soul was no longer tethered to mine.
That pain that hit my heart...... before they even told me he was dead.
That pain that was so excruciating that I doubled over next to the helicopter out in that field and the medics thought I was having a heart attack.
The pain that hits the heart...... because it knows..... you're not facing reality.
It's a reminder of what I lost and that I have to stop controlling it... stop stuffing it...... and feel it.
You have to face reality Erin..... You have to allow this pain to hit your heart. You have to allow yourself to feel it...... or you will continue to struggle.
Damn it Toby.... This not where WE were supposed to be right now.
Damn this pain that hits the heart.