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I have finally finished my first year as a widow.  I don't know how that is supposed to feel.  It kind of feels like a continuation of last week and the week before.  I don't feel as if I have crossed a line, had a revelation or made some resolutions as you do when you write off another year on New Year's Day.  I just feel as lost and lonely as ever but summer is acoming in and I guess I just have to join with everyone in welcoming the new season and what it brings.

We go onto daylight saving on Sunday of next weekend and when school goes back after the spring break it is summer uniforms and the start of the rundown to Christmas.  Summer and Christmas are held in high regard in Australia (we don't have Thanksgiving, guess the early convict settlers didn't have  lot to be thankful for) then there is the run-down to the end of the year and no avoiding the end-of-year get-togethers etc.  For "singles" like me it is brave faces on and forward we go.

I went down to visit my daughter and her family for a week.  I didn't want to be home for the anniversary of Ray's death or for the reminder of the period leading up to his funeral. I didn't want to be alone at home and obsessing over my sad memories so that worked out well.  We are beginning now as a family to not exactly talk about Ray but to use small talk references to him in our conversation.  I have the feeling that this is as good as it is going to get.

I enjoyed spending some time with my grandchildren, they are 13 and 9 so a good age if you discount the fact that they are always quarrelling over something.  I guess my sister and I were the same at similar ages.  The school holiday break was on the second week I was there so we did the usual - play games, walk the dogs, brush the cat,go to the movies for a treat, go shopping etc.  I like to just go there and join in whatever is normal for them but the whole family thing sure made me tired, so much activity and absolutely no peace and quiet.

As usual we seem to have had a couple of mild weeks after winter officially ended and now here we are, blustery winds, bushfires, heat and flies! Whatever happened to Spring!  Looks like it is straight into a hot dry summer, don't you just HATE that!  I do so look forward to Spring with its soft rains, blooming flowers, new growth on the trees. There is not a lot of new leafing as we don't have a lot of the English-type deciduous trees here. I always feel cheated if that is not the way Spring happens but who has control of the weather anyway?

I know there will be some changes that are out of my control, for instance the family members who have been most supportive of me may be moving as they are looking forward to a new appointment in the next year or so.  Hopefully that will not take them too far away from me.  But I know how lucky I have been to have had them within easy visiting distance.  A lot luckier than our parents were at times when Ray's job took us further away when we would have liked to be closer to his ageing and needy parents.

So any suggestions on how you become a 2nd year widow are welcome.  I know for me it will be about maintaining the home, getting some repairs done, maybe moving some furniture around.  That does sometimes seem like re-arranging the deck furniture on the Titanic but it is appearances in a way that lead us to certain truths like "does my house reflect my personality"? Maybe I should stop taking those magazine surveys? Right!!! 

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Comment by Morgana (Janet) on September 28, 2013 at 12:13pm

(((Sue))) I am almost to my 23rd month of this journey.  Speaking for myself, I have found the 2nd year more trying than the first year because the reality has set in.  I made the decision to do much needed home repairs on my house and it is a slow process but I am getting there.  I'm making it a home and not just a house and a reflection of who I am now.  I also decided it wasto do the finally process of de-cluttering and getting rid of things I know longer need, use, or want.  I will start going through Jim's things next week deciding what I want to donate and what I want to keep.  I'm spent more time the 2nd year learning who I am and trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I finally decided that next October during the Balloon Festival I would scatter Jim's ashes in New Mexico as close to where he wanted them scattered and a few places on the way there.  I found the letting go is the hard part  but have also found a peace when I do let go of the past.  We can't change the past but we can chose how we want to live the future.  It is nice to be able to look at my accomplishments of what I have done so far and be able to say "I did that." but also go "Jim would be proud of me for doing this."

Do what you feel is right for you and you will get there.  Sending lots of (((Hugs)))) to you.

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