As I was driving the kids to school this morning, I started having a flashback of my early days of widowhood. Driving the kids to school in the rain, thinking about what I needed from the grocery and trying to cover up the massive pain in my heart. I've come along way from those days where everything was numb except the giant whole in my gut. But today, it is back. I'm trying to scream it out, sleep it out, eat it out,cry it out, throw it up - anything to stop this pain. My heart is just so heavy. And it hurts so bad. I had been doing so well. I've been out living my life and enjoying it. I had found some happiness. Maybe that's why it hurts so much to be back in this deep pain.
So why am I back in this place? Well tomorrow is my birthday. I am completely and fully blessed to live another year and I'm very thankful that I am still here to live my life and be here for our kids. But tomorrow is also his birthday. We were the exact same age. October 28th was our favorite day of the year. It was awesome that for 10 years we celebrated our day of birth together. We would start celebrating the week before and sometimes for the whole month. But now I celebrate alone. And each little thing reminds me that he isn't here. That I'm going to parties and dinners and getting cards and well wishes and he isn't. And that I'm getting older and he isn't.
This is why I'm back in this place of deep pain and heartache. I do know now that it is temporary. That in a few days I will be back to myself again but it doesn't ease this pain. I have got to go through it to get beyond it. So today I will spend in mourning and sadness. And remembering the great life we shared. And how much he loved his birthday. So that tomorrow, I can celebrate my life and my birthday and maybe even dance!
Happy Birthday Bubby! I love you!