I've been trying to dissect the emotion, trying to understand the root cause of it.Pinpoint the individual issues, which I'm sure there are many, and attack it head-on. As I've stated before I want to go face-to-face with this emotion, not hide from it but manage it. Not control it, but manage it.
A thought rolled through my brain the other day about how someone in love has a continuous vigilance over the health and well-being of their relationship. Not just once in awhile but at your Core of who you are.
That vigilance was created by the love you share in that relationship. In time in a relationship that love turns into your navigating compass. It directs your life for the benefit of that relationship. And that's your life !
That's what we grow into.
By choice !
So now comes the breakdown.
Knowing that this is what our lives were before,
The years of love and dedication, steered by that vigilance. We saw our path and walked it. But the path we walked was a known and familiar path.
We HAD directions.
And there it is. I am on a path that is completely alien to me, unfamiliar, unknown.
What made sense before my wife was diagnosed with cancer can't, doesn't and won't make sense now.
Everything is different now.
New calculations have to be made, new routines, new everything.
It took a little while for it to sink in for me that everything was going to change and had changed whether I liked it or not.
As it turns out I believe you either come to this realization or you don't. If you do, then the next realization is that you have to accept the change, or you don't.
Accepting the change and then managing the change, for me anyway, tells me that I do have a future. What's in that future? That's not a question for me to try to answer now. But at least I know that I'm not going to have some random future. Something forced upon me. I'm going to have a future that is directed by me.
So to sum it all up I guess it boils down to recognizing and then accepting the changes that have been forced upon us. We can kick and scream all we want but realistically that doesn't change anything.
In my first days and weeks after my wife Teri passed away, pondering a future was not possible. Trying to imagine a future, for me, was seen as a betrayal of my wife. An intentional separation or distance.
All that I have been in the past 26 years.... to turn my back on that?!
But then I ask myself exactly what am I trying to get away from?
I have no desire or intention to ever turn my back on the woman that I have loved so much. I will always love her! But what I do want to turn my back on is the pain, the loss, the Heartbreak of it all.
By identifying these emotional pains I've realized that I have to give myself permission. Permission to move forward.
It's okay for me to turn my back on the pain and hurt.
But nothing says that I have to turn my back on my love. I can hold on to that love for the rest of my life! It's mine to care for and reflect upon! I can continue that continuous vigilance over the memory of my wife's love !