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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I've been trying to dissect the emotion, trying to understand the root cause of it.Pinpoint the individual issues, which I'm sure there are many, and attack it head-on. As I've stated before I want to go face-to-face with this emotion, not hide from it but manage it. Not control it, but manage it.

A thought rolled through my brain the other day about how someone in love has a continuous vigilance over the health and well-being of their relationship. Not just once in awhile but at your Core of who you are.

That vigilance was created by the love you share in that relationship. In time in a relationship that love turns into your navigating compass. It directs your life for the benefit of that relationship. And that's your life !
That's what we grow into.
By choice !

So now comes the breakdown.
Knowing that this is what our lives were before,
The years of love and dedication, steered by that vigilance. We saw our path and walked it. But the path we walked was a known and familiar path.
We HAD directions.

And there it is. I am on a path that is completely alien to me, unfamiliar, unknown.
What made sense before my wife was diagnosed with cancer can't, doesn't and won't make sense now.
Everything is different now.
New calculations have to be made, new routines, new everything.
It took a little while for it to sink in for me that everything was going to change and had changed whether I liked it or not.

As it turns out I believe you either come to this realization or you don't. If you do, then the next realization is that you have to accept the change, or you don't.
Accepting the change and then managing the change, for me anyway, tells me that I do have a future. What's in that future? That's not a question for me to try to answer now. But at least I know that I'm not going to have some random future. Something forced upon me. I'm going to have a future that is directed by me.

So to sum it all up I guess it boils down to recognizing and then accepting the changes that have been forced upon us. We can kick and scream all we want but realistically that doesn't change anything.
In my first days and weeks after my wife Teri passed away, pondering a future was not possible. Trying to imagine a future, for me, was seen as a betrayal of my wife. An intentional separation or distance.
All that I have been in the past 26 years.... to turn my back on that?!

But then I ask myself exactly what am I trying to get away from?
I have no desire or intention to ever turn my back on the woman that I have loved so much. I will always love her! But what I do want to turn my back on is the pain, the loss, the Heartbreak of it all.
By identifying these emotional pains I've realized that I have to give myself permission. Permission to move forward.
It's okay for me to turn my back on the pain and hurt.
But nothing says that I have to turn my back on my love. I can hold on to that love for the rest of my life! It's mine to care for and reflect upon! I can continue that continuous vigilance over the memory of my wife's love !

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on October 14, 2017 at 6:20am

Everyone wants to escape the hurt, its a natural reaction to pain ...

For me, spending time logically interpreting pain was mind bending in a vicious circle - accepting the reason for it/the motivator was quicker & easier ...

Whenever I asked "why", I had to remind myself I was grieving my loss - almost everyday, every year, all year ...

The problem w/grief is there are so many issues that cause pain from guilt to the reminders of the life & love once lived to losing a dearly held cathexis, etc - there was no getting around it for me to move forward w/my healing ...

However, if logic helps than do what is best for you - who knows, you might go on to find another way to cope w/grief since it changes as time goes by ...

Adversity reveals a person's character ...

It can be startling yet bewildering but it is there that you will truly learn who you are & what you are made of as well as the means to move forward w/healing ...

Blessings on your journey ...

Comment by BelovedPeach on September 22, 2017 at 5:30pm
Yesterday I was driving and I usually don't pay attention to too much, because I am driving and concentrating on the road and the other vehicles on the road. I have totally missed brand new buildings going up because I concentrate so much on driving! Well, I was driving and my attention was immediately drawn to this sign in an empty field. It was an old rickety sign, aged with rust, that once was white, the square self supporting ones that have the plastic letters that slide into place and when plugged in, they glow. It read "Let U help U" then I couldn't read the next word as most of the letters were missing or were in the process of falling out and then the word eat and by this time I was past the sign. I assumed that it was an abandoned sign, probably advertising a local eatery. The words "Let U help U" resonated so much to me, that I took it as a sign from my husband, as he knew me best and I always thought I was being selfish if I spent money on myself or did self care for myself, because while he was alive, he needed that energy from me, or that money could go to helping him live life easier. Now that he is no longer here, physically, it was his way of telling me it's now time to concentrate on me! To do what I need to do to help me! So I am passing it on to you..."Let U help U"...in whatever way that helps YOU!
Comment by Callie2 on September 22, 2017 at 2:28pm
Our lives become so entwined as do our thoughts so we cannot escape this. We are reminded constantly when we look around us. We become sad when we watch a show we once watched together. When I first went grocery shopping, I did not buy the things I used to buy for him. I didn't cook some of his favorite food for a while. The list goes on. Little by little, we adapt and make changes or we decide not to. We don't need to abandon all things. Time may allow us to return to things, for example--I could not put up the same Christmas decorations so I bought new. I have incorporated old favorite things over the past few years because they now make me happy!

Grief itself reminds me of a giant ball of emotions and feelings that need to be separated and understood. It takes time and self reflection, and it sounds like what you are going through now. I agree with you, we don't have to stop loving them because they are no longer with us physically. I know I haven't!

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