Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

The Dark Side of my Grief

For some reason the dog decided to sleep in the living room last night instead of on Don’s side of the bed. I’d gotten so used to him being there whenever I glanced over that his absence took me to a very dark and lonely place, a place where I couldn’t stop thinking about all the changes that I’ve been through since Don death. I missed Don terribly and not even taking an Ambien could sweep those thoughts away and replace them with the sleep I craved.
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I wandered the house by the glow of the night lights in every room, I attempted to let the computer distract me with a boring game of chess, and I even thought about physically forcing the dog to leave the comfortable little cocoon he’d made for himself in my chair and lock him in the bedroom with me. That latter thought made me feel even lonelier. When your dog---the one without opposable thumbs to open up the treat bags he craves morning, noon and night---has to be forced to spent time with you, that’s pretty sad. Darn dog! Why did he have to pick last night to demonstrate a streak of independence?
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Yesterday I got another letter from a volunteer at a local widow’s support group. She was inviting me to call if I want to talk to someone “who has ‘been there’ and knows how it feels.” Her first few letters got thrown away. I was doing okay, getting my ducks in order, handling things just fine, thank you very much. But for some reason this last  letter got set aside to reread. I AM doing fine but the loneliness is starting to sink in, feel more permanent, and I know I have to do something to change that. My brother had been to a few meetings with this group but he had a typical guy reaction and said “he couldn’t take all that crying.” Then he joined an exercise class instead. I guess the main reason I haven’t checked out this widow group is because I’m kind of afraid I’ll end up being the one with the shoulder that others cry on. Been there, done that in caregiver circles and I’m tired of being the strong one who has to weigh every word because someone is looking to me for guidance.
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It’s funny I could write that last sentence because this past week I discovered that a website I used to hang around a lot before Don’s death to debate politics has added two new forums: one for ‘Caregivers’ and one for ‘Grief and Mourning.’ Since these forums are not connected with traditional support groups, and people who have no experience with either state of being can chime in, I’ve been shocked at the hostility and lack of empathy going on. It’s like watching a train wreck about to happen to read through the topics. So as quickly as I made this discovery I’ve checked these forums off my list of places where I want to spend time. Caregiving and grief are both too fresh in my mind for me to stand by while bullies pick on others traveling down those roads. So, for my own well being I must stay away. I need to seek out peace, not turmoil.
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Don: if you can hear me, let me tell you that not a day goes by that I don’t feel your love still wrapped around me. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank you for everything we shared. You and I both know that I will survive and thrive again in time---even if I have to resort to locking our derelict of a dog in the bedroom with me each night until the loneliness of your absence goes away. ©
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My other blog is here.
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P.S. My brother is three years out from his spouse's death and he is dating a lovely woman. They both seem very happy to have found each other.

Views: 82

Tags: grief, loneliness, pets

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Comment by DonnaReid on July 27, 2012 at 11:42pm

I love your writing and your blog!

Comment by smit09 on July 26, 2012 at 10:26pm

....I've thought a few times that I may cancel my widville account because I thought that I was 'healed' enough to go on living without it,...

I realized quickly that no matter how far along I am in my grief, there will always be times that the loneliness kicks in and this site is a warm, safe place filled with people who understand and at all different stages of grief.

I am so glad you came here to express this.

(((hugs))))

When Diezel or Meisha (my dogs) choose to sleep in 'their' beds and NOT with me... I tend to avoid going to sleep until I absolutely am about to pass out.  I definitely can relate to you here

Comment by Joyce on July 26, 2012 at 2:21pm

Hi Blue, a great post, yes the loneliness can get overwhelming sometimes.  How are you was wondering where you've been.  Nice to see you here again.  Hugs!

Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on July 26, 2012 at 11:03am

Sending warm hugs,  yes it is the loneliness and "little" daily things we miss so much.  our big dog.an Aussie/border collie mix, had a hard time, I couldn't get her out from under the porch a few days.. She was "daddy's girl" and followed him all over the property.

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