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This has been running through my head for a few days now.  I finally gave in and wrote it all down.  Not sure if it makes sense or not.  It did make sense in my head.

The Difference

Talking with another widow, the topic of broken hearts come up. I don't remember the entire conversation, but she asked me "aren't our hearts broken too?"

My answer was no.

My heart was shattered.

There is a difference. A broken heart can be repaired with little to no evidence. A shattered heart can be put back together but its full of cracks and there are pieces forever missing. The evidence of what it has gone through will always be there. Its forever changed.

I have had people compare my loss to their divorce.

My answer was no.

At some point in your relationship you made a choice. A choice that the relationship was over and not worth fighting for. I HAD NO CHOICE. My relationship, my love, my husband, was stolen from me. There is no 2nd chance, no time to change my mind. No time to make things right.

I have seen things all over Facebook and Pinterest about not looking back and the past is the past and should stay there.

My answer is no. There is a difference.

When a relationship ends in a breakup, there is always a reason. The couple should learn from it and move on. They chose that path in their lives and they need to continue forward on it.

I did not choose this. The path I was on was great. It was bumpy at times, but always smoothed out in time. I did not choose to change paths. My path was fine. My path was what I wanted. Then it was no longer there. I was forced to change my path. This path is bumpy, full of holes, and many curves. This path has straight lines followed by a maze. Most of the time the maze takes me pack to the beginning and I have to pick another route. Eventually the mazes get smaller and less complicated, but they will always be there.

Many people want to believe they know how I feel because they've lost a parent/grandparent/sibling/friend.

My answer is no. There is a huge difference.

The loss of a loved one is always hard. Every one of them leaves a hole in our lives where they used to be.

I have lost my dad, grandmas, grandpa, best friend, aunts, uncles. Each one of them was hard, and each one of them was hard.

But none of them compare to the loss of my husband. With that one loss I lost my best-friend, my lover, my soul mate, my roommate, my patient, my kids' father, my support, my dreams, my future, my plans.

When he died there was and always will be a huge hole where he was. But each one of those losses left a hole too. I can repair some of them, but they will never be the same. Some of them are unrepairable and I have to learn to work around them.

I have had several people tell me I am not the same person.

My answer is no. I am not.

There is a huge difference between my life before my husband died, and now. I will never be the same. I see things differently. Things that used to matter don't any more. Things that I never thought would happen to me, are always at the back of my mind. Things I never thought about before are things I've come to obsess over.

Things are different now. I'm different. My kids are different. Our paths in this world are different.

I've had to figure out who I am and who I will be from now. I am and always will be a work in progress.

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Comment by Susan D (Profe D) on November 15, 2013 at 3:21pm

Very well stated, Sam!  Thank you for sharing.

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on November 15, 2013 at 2:27pm

Sam very well said and beautifully written.  We are all unique individulas and how we grieve and deal with the loss is different for all of us. It's like another widow here leaving a comment to another widow "try not to grieve to long...Crying isn't great for you..."  

I don't remember where I saw or read this"

Today I am a WIDOW.  Yesterday I was a WIDOW.

Tomorrow I will still be a WIDOW.

This does not stop me being who I am bit it has shaped WHO I AM.

Treat me the same as you would everyone else

because I AM THE SAME as everyone else.

The only difference is a piece of my hareat has GONE TO HEAVEN TOO SOON.

Comment by my roses on November 10, 2013 at 6:25am

My roses 10th November


Yes Sam  there is a monumental difference between loss by death and loss by divorce.  From my observation, having been a former counsellor, the whole scenario and relationship seems to be different.Divorcees seem (according to other research as well) to be coming from a deep anger and sometimes bitterness.  They often vent this on widows.  People who lose their partner through death

AND WHO ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT IT LIKE WE DO ON THIS WEBSITE.. are coming from a deep level of sorrow.  We are not necessarily bitter - more likely... BEWILDERED. We ask Why?  Why did this beautiful person get taken away?  We are trying to put the jig saw together, piece by broken piece.  The divorcee knows why they are divorced.  A high proportion of us are LOVE OF YOUR LIFE relationships.   After having talked with quite a few divorcees - I have not as yet heard anyone say this of their partner.   I also note that they often become "tough", whereas we seem to become softened... brought to our knees from crying and  struggling with a mass of emotions.  We certainly are never the same again.  I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror sometimes and see the Widows look upon it.  Eyes flat and without sparkle anymore.  A look of stress and  weariness.  Joy does not radiate from it either.  The before and after ME  is a sad replica of what I was.... when the Man I loved so much was holding my hand.  I feel invisible sometimes, although I attempt to reach out to various people and have succeeded over these last awful 10 mths. Physically my body has taken a battering along with my shattred and bleeding heart.  I have had to really force myself to look after my body again, as I was too exhausted to even eat sometimes.  My hair was falling out and I lost about 33 lbs. I was not fat before!  Began to use a natural hormone cream which has improved the hair loss and also my skin.. which was so thin I would bleed if  it got knocked.  ONE ASKS IS ALL THIS NECESSARY?  Why after so much love, so much physical care, massive prayer and health practices did we still lose out?  I am now exhausted,  with less energy than when I was looking after my Wes.  Because HE KEPT ME GOING, even though he was not well - his light shone.  He was there and I could tell him many times a day that I loved him.  Now I am facing  government agencies, bills, tax offices etc. and  I cannot fight as I did before. Even with 4 hrs sleep a night I could fight when he was there with me.  Now I speak to him when I wake up and when I go to sleep... curled up in our large bed .... in the silence of  a house without love.

Comment by laurajay on November 7, 2013 at 3:06pm

Sam  nicely expressed.  People will always hold open to discussion things that cannot be answered except from a person's individual experience.  Always a reason to discuss that which  is different from ours to gain understanding.  Even change and the degree it affects us differs.  Simply cannot put loss of this kind in box with a label .  Accept that  others can never really experience what we have is a given... Never ending discussion.  Quiet  emphasis  on personal expression.  Truth stands alone and has no need to defend or explain itself.  Thank you for sharing.  I will email you with something to add  just for you  later.  love  lj

Comment by LLKRN75 on November 7, 2013 at 1:21pm

I just don't understand the need so many people seem to have to "compare the pain".  My experience and my pain are different than everyone else's no matter what their loss is.  I know other women who lost their husbands the same way I did (motorcycle accident)  but even though we share a similar experience, our pain and our experience going forward are unique.  I have empathy for all who suffer loss for any reason but I will not compare my loss, my pain, my experience to anyone else.  Love you all for sharing, Thanks

Comment by RainSong on November 7, 2013 at 12:23pm

Sam, this was beautifully and so expressively written.  Thank you.  I will never be the same as before my husband died.  I have a harder time being enthusiastic about life. I am sometimes now, but there is always that hole, that shattered heart. No sense in me trying to did it.

Comment by Laguna(Mike) on November 7, 2013 at 11:12am

Loss of a spouse or a child by death is the most stressful event in your life. Divorce is a loss ,but not like a loss through death. And it is a choice. They shouldn't be compared at all. I fact, comparing the loss of a spouse as equivalent to a divorce, is an insult.

Comment by Marti on November 7, 2013 at 10:46am

Oh yes, it all makes sense. 

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