My husband and I were hit by a drunk driver on November 1st 2013. Brennan died instantly and by some sort of miracle there was just enough room left in the passenger seat for me to survive. Since the accident I've pushed through the worst, or so I thought. Busied myself with appointments to counselors and psychologists, documenting my progress as confirmation that I was going to get through this. I was doing pretty good, even fooled myself.
A friend invited me to stay with her mother in Arizona last week. The trip itself was great, filled with activities which meant minimal alone time. I only cried one night only. Amazing progress, right? Well I've been back for 3 days and have just come out the other end of the worst breakdown in my life. I had prepared myself for the "empty" house, but had no idea how it would launch me right back to the beginning, the beginning of life without Brennan. All of the anguish that shock shielded me from was no longer there. I realized I had not conquered the worst at all. It's really only beginning for me now. Memories are resurfacing and with them the reality of never making any more, at least not with him. How is this possible? Why did this happen to us? I've spent the last 3 days loosing my sanity and having whats left of my heart break over and over again.
I'm exhausted and my face is raw. I think I need another vacation...