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The Getting Married Again Question
An old friend the other day asked me if I’m going to get married again. The question annoyed the heck out of me. It took years to builds the kind of relationship Don and I had and I’m not interested in getting married again just to have another warm body in the house. But I tried not to let my annoyance show when I answered, “no.” Then he says, “What’s the matter? Once was enough?” I wasn’t sure how to take that question and when I answered I felt like I was speaking the last lines in the movie, Secondhand Lions. I repeated my answer twice with an entirely different inflection the second time. In the movie the sheik’s great-grandson had asked, “These two men from your grandfather's stories, they really lived?” to which the adult Walter (played by John Lucas) answered, “They really lived.” Then a big smile broke on his face and he repeated, "Yeah, they really LIVED.”
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What I replied to my friend’s question about once being enough was, “Yes, once was enough.” Then following a pause I said, “Once REALLY was enough.” I doubt my answer adequately expressed how I felt---Lucas got to rehearse his delivery---but I couldn’t help thinking about it on the way home. Do people really think you can replace a 42 year long relationship so easily and be thinking about it when you’re only six months out from your spouse’s passing? Coming from an old friend, the question hurt. It accented the fact that Don was the only person on the face of the earth who truly knew me--how I think, what my values, weaknesses and strengths are. Get married again? No way in hell! Maybe I was being hyper-sensitive. Widows get accused of that all the time but, to me, asking a question like that was akin to asking an amputee if he’s going to get a new arm. I always think of good answers like that hours after it’s too late to deliver them. Now I’m prepared for the next getting-married-again question that comes my way. I will use a reply borrowed from another widow: “I don’t need to get married again; I got it right the first time.” ©
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Comment
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Comment by Ashleigh on October 31, 2012 at 12:15pm
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It is a different idea for everyone I don't discount or encourage an idea that I will or won't find love again.
Fact is. Who really knows. Will I ever have the love I had with Gene. No it was one of a kind
But in the same it's ok to be with someone else. It's not a warm body. Or feeling a void. I think I ever take the plunge it will be more about companionship than anything. And as long and he were ok with it is there anything wrong with that?
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Comment by Susan J on October 31, 2012 at 9:59am -
Karen,
I understand the roller coaster and the brick wall. Sometimes, in our loneliness, we just need to feel wanted again. To think there is someone out there that wants us, wants to be with us. We have to get used to wanting ourselves before we can really move into a new relationship. Work on figuring out who you are and who you are becoming. I had to make so many changes in me to live this new life that I am a whole new woman. Take as long as you need to explore the new you. I'm with you. Take the power of widowhood and use it. Yes, if you choose, it is a power. Hugs, Susan
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Comment by Karen on October 30, 2012 at 11:38pm -
Well this roller coaster of emotions just hit a brick wall. I talked to him on the phone for the first time today and it took me all the way back to college with all the same emotions - really!! Well we mutually agreed we would not pursue the relationship for various reasons and even though I know it's the right thing to do, it still is very sad. I can't figure out if I'm sad because of that particular relationship or sad because it's a HUGE reminder my husband isn't coming back and I"m alone. So now I need to pick up my lips off the floor and know God answers prayer in HIS time, not mine!
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Comment by janet on October 30, 2012 at 9:13pm -
Karen, do what feels right for you. There are no rules, instructions or anything else when it comes to grief. You are the only one who can make the decision for you.
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Comment by MargoAlone on October 30, 2012 at 7:47pm
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Dear Karen: if it feels right for you, it is the right time.
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Comment by aussiewidow on October 30, 2012 at 5:35pm -
Karen, we'd all like to feel butterflies:)
I hope things go well with your friend from the past.
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Comment by Karen on October 30, 2012 at 12:38am
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Wow - it's scary for me to say what I want to say, but none of you know me and maybe I just need to do it. My husband passed July 12th after less than a year of fighting cancer. We were married 27 yrs and he truly was the best friend I ever had. Well...I've reconnected with a "friend" from college and we've been chatting on line every day. Part of me is super scared because some would say it's way to soon, but my husband was very very adamant about me not staying alone the rest of my life because I'm only 52. This "friend" is someone I saw in college and the relationship didn't continue because we didn't stay in the same state. He knows I'm a widow and we've been very candid. There's no rule on how long i need to wait? I always said I wouldn't date or get married again, but I've got butterflies in my belly!!
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Comment by goingon on October 20, 2012 at 12:07pm -
AEDforever - I love that comment about the arm. I doubt I will ever find anyone as wonderful as Don; and I'm not just making him "better" because he's not with me. I haven't removed my wedding ring; I wear his around my neck; I moved my engagement ring to my right hand to see how that felt; now I keep it there. I could tell stories about "replacing" someone... but it gets long and boring.... but yes, I still feel married to Don.
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Comment by aussiewidow on October 16, 2012 at 5:59pm
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Ccdague - good on you for your hope inspiring post:)
Jean...yes, love is at the heart of life.
Jerry - I'm also 62. 1950 was a great year for boomer babies!
I guess thoughts of marriage would depend on whether there was true love and also age and family situation, as you say. There were barriers to marrying John, including opposition from his daughters and also financial issues in his decline. We both made wills so our own children would inherit though I gave John lifetime occupancy in case I was hit by a bus. So that part of it can get messy.
If I found love I would like to live with someone but it might be that we need to maintain separate residences.
As a general observation I guess we all vary in our attitudes to sex. It hasn't happened for me for over two years - chemo before the stem cell transplant killed John's sexuality, which was really sad for us both.
As I look into the future I would hate to think I will never have sex again because it can bring such happiness and relaxation too - though some of my never married single friends have not had partners for years.
But I suspect some people, women in particular maybe, would have a different attitude.
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Comment by jean on October 16, 2012 at 1:23pm -
didn't make the love thing clear
I feel we are all on this EARTH to love.... not on this website.. LOL
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