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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I haven't been a big fan of the word "healing" since my husband died. That word just didn't sit right with me for a while. It felt too tidy, too neat. It didn't describe a way out of this mess to my shocked brain. I think I'm ready to take another look at it. I think I might be ready to give it a chance. If you ask me again tomorrow, I'll probably say something different but tonight, I'm setting an intention to heal.

I don't want to be stuck in this darkness forever. I do not want to feel insane forever. I can't feel this miserable for what short time I have left here. I want to heal. I want to learn how to live in a way that I feel honors my love for S. I want to nurture the love, not the loss.

This is not to say that those who nurture the loss are wrong. They aren't. I understand it and I'm still there myself, to be honest but I am putting it out there that I want to try to do it a different way. I just don't know how yet.

This is just an intention I am setting for myself. The darkness is still there and will be there for far longer than I could ever predict. There is a lot more pain to go, I won't delude myself. However, hopefully, as I swim through this black sea, I will eventually find a raft and then instead of swimming through this muck of darkness and pain, I can float and will be less likely to drown.

As I float down the dark waters of hopelessness and despair on a raft that saves me from drowning, at some point I will see a clear blue sky and calm blue waters in the distance and hope will fill me again. I will show S that I remember life and beauty and wonder again and it will be even better because our love will be in everything. He will be in everything.

I love you, S. It is my intention to heal, not just for you but for us...for me. I am the best memory of us there is now.

(Last line borrowed from Patton Oswalt's amazing Daughter)

http://survivingwidowhood.blogspot.ca/

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Comment by DavidB on May 5, 2016 at 6:34pm

I have also used water as a way to describe this chapter in life.....in a fog without a compass. But I like to add that the distant clanging of a bouy is what life used to be. And I listen hard (or try too), to help me find my way through these uncharted waters. ....how would our missing spouses now encourage us and give us confidence to keep going?......that helps me. But yes, some days are still very hard. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Comment by Hope on May 5, 2016 at 3:00pm
I so agree NoMorwComplete
Comment by NoMoreComplete on May 5, 2016 at 10:52am

Thank you, Hope! What a lovely message, may you find the raft very, very soon. It is a ways off for me but knowing it is there, believing it is there gives me something to hold onto. Many, many hugs. <3

Comment by Hope on May 5, 2016 at 4:16am

NoMoreComplete, I so appreciate what you wrote here. You put words to some of my heart's intentions. This has been a change for me in the last month...wanting to get to that raft, tired of the muck. May you find new insights and slivers of happiness each day. I am believing you are going to have some awakenings that will bring you to your intentions.

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