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March 24th 2014

That's the date my life started to spiral out of control, the day he was admitted to hospital to drain some fluid from his abdomen and fix an infection.

He was fine, walking, talking and being his normal self, the doctors kept saying he would be home that day..

Life hit that downward spiral to despair at 3:15 on the Thursday morning 27th March, when the hospital called to say I needed to get in and fast.

Most of that morning is a blur, I remember them saying he had had a heart attack and that they thought he was bleeding from a tumour and thinking 'tumour what tumour he doesn't have any tumours'.

Then the doctor came in and gave us the news no one ever wants to hear, they couldn't fix him this time, I had to go and hold my darlings hand and give him a lifetimes love in just a few short minutes, I told him everything in my heart and begged him to wait for the kids to get there.

He couldn't wait any longer and left us shortly after I got to sit with him.

My life ended with his, doesn't matter how hard I try to make it work without him it just doesn't, he was my rock, my light, everything that is good about me came from him.

How are you supposed to carry on when your heart is gone?

I try, try really hard, I have days when I can laugh and smile and I can stick a plaster on the place my heart used to be and make believe all is ok.

Then the waves of reality hit me again, he's not working away, he isn't coming home, this is it, forever.

I have stopped eating again, I know that this is my way of taking control of my life that is out of control but I can't make myself eat.

Its not like I have cooked since he left me but I don't even eat the microwave dinners now, just heat them up and give them to the dogs.

I have to find a way out of this spiral, no amount of wishing is going to bring him back, no prayers, no pleading or begging.

His time was done, mine isn't, I still have to live and he would want me to live life to the fullest.

Can someone tell my heart please?

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Comment by laurajay on February 18, 2015 at 2:37pm

Dear "heart" of Trudi.   I hear you are still beating?  Do you know why?  Have you been told you are assigned to beat until your time comes from God to stop?  You know that we are not dead nor are we called to be dead until we die.  You must keep beating until Trudi believes  you will help her to move forward in time...time  maybe a long time.  If we do not eat properly or rest adequately Trudi---are you listening?  if you do not take care of your body  you cannot heal- because grief requires enormous energy and to  deal with it you must nourish your body and get rest.  When you feed your body you  give it power to both cope and hope.  It's ok to hurt, to cry, to feel lost and lonely and all those things-   most widows have those experiences a lot for a long time   .   However,  when you practice taking care of yourself like you would your best friend, you will find the will to go on because your strength will rebuild and your desire for life without your husband will start to fall in place.   There is just no easy way.  If you spiral down no  knight in shining armor will come to save you-  You state "everything  that is good about me came from him."  I think it is more that his love for you drew out qualities you always had but  you became aware ofthem as your love bloomed.  You still have those qualities beneath your sadness and loss.  He never took them away and I well believe he brought out the best in you hoping it would always shine.  Yes, shine.  This grief thing has no timetable.  Be kind to yourself a while longer.  Eat.  Sleep.   Your memories will even comfort you more if you  take care of yourself.  If you don't want to cook---try protein shakes or smoothies w protein powder.  Please let reality wave away  and you be sure to wave back and keep on taking a day at a time as you travel on this journey.  Be blessed.  lj

 I hit something that made the letter huge sorry I don't know how to fix it.

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