March 24th 2014
That's the date my life started to spiral out of control, the day he was admitted to hospital to drain some fluid from his abdomen and fix an infection.
He was fine, walking, talking and being his normal self, the doctors kept saying he would be home that day..
Life hit that downward spiral to despair at 3:15 on the Thursday morning 27th March, when the hospital called to say I needed to get in and fast.
Most of that morning is a blur, I remember them saying he had had a heart attack and that they thought he was bleeding from a tumour and thinking 'tumour what tumour he doesn't have any tumours'.
Then the doctor came in and gave us the news no one ever wants to hear, they couldn't fix him this time, I had to go and hold my darlings hand and give him a lifetimes love in just a few short minutes, I told him everything in my heart and begged him to wait for the kids to get there.
He couldn't wait any longer and left us shortly after I got to sit with him.
My life ended with his, doesn't matter how hard I try to make it work without him it just doesn't, he was my rock, my light, everything that is good about me came from him.
How are you supposed to carry on when your heart is gone?
I try, try really hard, I have days when I can laugh and smile and I can stick a plaster on the place my heart used to be and make believe all is ok.
Then the waves of reality hit me again, he's not working away, he isn't coming home, this is it, forever.
I have stopped eating again, I know that this is my way of taking control of my life that is out of control but I can't make myself eat.
Its not like I have cooked since he left me but I don't even eat the microwave dinners now, just heat them up and give them to the dogs.
I have to find a way out of this spiral, no amount of wishing is going to bring him back, no prayers, no pleading or begging.
His time was done, mine isn't, I still have to live and he would want me to live life to the fullest.
Can someone tell my heart please?