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The last few days.. aka .. the holiday rollercoaster

These are the "sharable" moments that have happened between December 23rd and today. 

December 23rd: I got to have dinner with 3 people that were very important in my love's life. Two of them were guy friends that he had had for years, that had lots of stories of their antics together, the last was a woman that he had referred to as his soul mate. I was not super excited about meeting her, I had heard so much about her that I had even put her up on a pedastal. I felt like I was being lead to the slaughter almost. Getting to meet the woman that meant so much to him. I had friends tell me "He chose you... " He did, but I was pretty blind to that in the moment. I was SOO pleasantly surprised. She was a beautiful person, So caring, she included me in conversation, and when I started to cry at a story that was shared, she left the table to find me something to dry my eyes with. (yes it was toilet paper, but it is the thought that counts) 

During the dinner, they told us about an accident that my love had been in. Long story short, they had blamed a non existing road runner for the wreck. Fast forward to the day of the funeral, 2 of B's friends were driving out to where the accident from years passed happened.. What passes in front of them?? A freakin road runner. It looked at the driver, the passenger, and then crossed the rest of the way.. Was a beautiful story, and we absolutely believe it was our B. 

December 24th:
I needed to get out of the house, I went to check my P.O. box. I have to pass by the place of the accident every time I go to check my mail. I noticed that all the spray paint spots that marked where his car stopped and where they other car made impact. Idk what made me lose it, but I did. I got to the P.O. box and the Nightmare before Christmas floating charms that I had ordered for myself and his mother had come in. That made it worse... I decided I need to go be with him. Thankfully his grave is fairly close to the house. I came prepared with a comforter and a pillow. I laid next to him, and cried for a while.. Played him the finale from Nightmare before christmas and just sat there with him. I got comfortable *as much as you can when it is like 39 degrees outside* I hoped that I would fall asleep, and never wake up, but I had mass to go to. Mass was beautiful.. 

December 25th: 
Made the lonely drive to my parents house (I live about 40 miles from my parents). The gifts were extremely thoughtful, and some made me cry. My dad got me a hoodie that is from Nightmare before christmas that says "When you fall apart, ill stitch you back together". My little sister got me a bunny statue that I can leave at B's grave. (His nickname for me was Lil Bunny). This is the first time I have met my sister's new husband.. They cant really manage to say a nice thing to each other. They are constantly bickering.. It is hard to listen to . Fast forward to christmas dinner. We had gone to Joe's crab shack (no traditional dinner for us!) Tensions were high, service was bad, and my sister was in rare form. I found out that my out of laws were not going out of town, so I could stay with my family a little it longer. My sister's husband says "I guess I will have to sleep in the same bed as you!" with an attitude to her.. I couldn't take it anymore.. I lost it, started sobbing then and there. REALLY? You dont like your wife DONT BE MARRIED TO HER...I would KILL to be able to sleep in my love's arms again and you are complaining about having to share a bed with your wife.. UGH. They were finally clued into why I was crying.. When we got back to the house, she had apparently yelled at him and told him to apologize to me. I wanted so badly to tell them to go screw them selves, I instead told them that there was no need, and walked away. 

December 26th: nothing too exciting. I was supposed to go out and be social with a friend of mine, bailed out.. couldnt do it. Had some really stupid thoughts that night.. I could have saved him, I should have been in the car with him, It should have been me... It was a dark dark night.

December 27th: I came back home to my out of laws house. At some point in talking to my MOOL, she asked me if i'd rather be here or at my parents house. "I'd much rather be here than there, his stuff is here, you guys are here.. that place isn't my home.." I am a little worried why she asked.. Afraid they may already want me out..

December 28th: Spent the day with a  friend of mine. She came out to me again that she would like to eventually add me into the fold. I told her that even thinking about sex makes me feel like I am cheating on my love. We had a good few laughs. We drove nearly 2 hours away to pick up something from my aunt. The traffic on the way back was giving me anxiety issues. I had to get out of the car. We ended up going to pick up another friend and walking around a mall (how old are we.. 12?) BAD IDEA. It was the mall that my love found me in, the mall that our first store was at. I walked into the place we used to work and the smell alone hit me and I had to choke back tears. We had a wonderful dinner and after taking everyone home, I couldnt hold it back anymore.. The drives home after days out with friends SUCK.. Coming home to an empty bed, to not be able to hear his laugh when I tell him about my crazy day.. 

The past few days have been full of alot of ups and downs.. Somedays I really want off this rollercoaster..

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Comment by Kaydee on December 31, 2014 at 6:48pm


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