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I was going through more stuff this weekend....through computer stuff and files that I haven't been able to look at and read. They are Kevin's words you see...thoughts that came out of his head. He was the list maker, had lists for everything, boys camping list, bucket list, list on how to beat cancer, list of things he wanted to take the boys to. It was in going through this stuff finally with tears streaming down my face that I found them. Letters. A letter for our boys, or two of them anyway. He had started them at the beginning of his cancer journey, and they speak of places he wants them to see, things he wants them to do, advice on how to handle boy things and most importantly how much he loves them and everything to do with them. The letters are very special and I can almost here his voice as I read them. I know my boys will cherish them one day, but I am so lost as to how to handle the fact that he was just too sick to write a letter to our third boy who was still in my belly at the start of his journey. Do I write a similar letter for him? In the words Kev would use? Saying the things I know Kev would say? How can I one day explain to baby that there is no letter for him? That it wasn't for lack of love or want...that it was cancers fault. Or do I just simply explain that when I was four and a half months pregnant they told Kev he only had two months, that the thought of this special baby boy in my belly gave Kev the will to fight as hard as he could to be there at his birth, to see his first Christmas, to see his first steps, that daddy spent his remaining time holding him, not writing to him.....

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Comment by Cath on August 12, 2014 at 6:02pm
Thanks MinsingRKK xoxo I hate that we have to deal with this stuff at all :( hugs to you too!
Comment by MissingRKK on August 12, 2014 at 5:54pm
Oh Cath, I am so glad that you have the letters. From the time that Ron was diagnosed he wanted to write for our girls but he never did. I think he always thought he had more time and I think that it was too hard for him to make himself do it, like it was one step closer to leaving. Then he became too sick to write. We tried to do some video instead and then he declined so rapidly. He did write one thing for my older daughter and I worry about how my youngest will feel when she realizes there isn't a note for her. I am going to explain that Daddy thought he had more time and wanted to do something for her but couldn't. I agree with Ali that you have time to decide how you want to handle it and that you will find the right way to do it. Hugs!!
Comment by Cath on August 12, 2014 at 11:41am
Thanks so much Ali xo maybe all I needed was to hear that I have time x
Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on August 12, 2014 at 9:50am
Cath, that is a tough decision. What do you do? What an emotionally charged issue. I don't have the answer for you, but my thinking is you have some time to come up with one. From your lovely pics it seems the boys are all still top young perhaps to receive these letters so I am wondering if time and your intuition and experience with the youngest boy will provide you with the answer. Every child is different of course and so as he grows I imagine that your heart will help you figure out what would be best for him. It is clear that you are a very kind and loving mother and that Kev was a great Dad and I believe that somehow, someday you will find the right way and the perfect words to express that to your baby boy. Peace and love to you.

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