the light at the end of the tunnel!

So there I was several months down my new path of widowhood, planning a major move across the country with my 2 young daughters. I’d already purchased a new house, It’s just a matter of time until the closing date and the beginning of a new chapter of life! Mind you it feels more like the beginning of an entirely different book rather than a new chapter of the old one. My future province of residence is much more densely populated than where I’m currently living. I wonder how many widowed people in my age group may be in my new area? I’ll start an account on one of the popular dating websites to see what turns up! I’ve never tried one before, I don’t know if I’m ready to be dating yet, but what says that I have to respond to any interest I may receive from other users? Fairly low risk.

I do my first search. Widowed women, aged 25-30, in a 200 mile radius of my soon to be new home. 4 results. That’s 4 more than where I am now!

That was the first time I saw her, she seems very sweet and sarcastic! :) It was the first time I found another girl attractive since Steph passed. I am, although, still several months away from even moving to the area, and still just only toying with the idea of actually dating again so that’s that for now.

A couple days later I check my e-mails and I have a new message from the same girl. She’s totally calling me out for looking at her profile and not messaging her right away! Sweet and sarcastic indeed, strong and confidant to say the least!

That was just the beginning! Over the next few months we exchanged a blinding array of emails, they became the highlight of my days, the first thing to do in the morning and the last thing I would do before bed! Before I had even moved we had exchanged no less than 63,000 words of very deep, personal, intimate correspondence. It gives me a small and unexpected feeling of excitement, almost even relief……relief that it is still possible for me to develop those feelings again!

Since the move, we have made every excuse to hang out together, and spent every spare hour together (they have been few but we’ve made good use of them)! She has made me feel more, much more than I ever thought I would be able to. I was afraid after Steph that I would not be able to feel that way again, I would feel like it’s not worth it to try again. She’s shattered all of those fears in me! She’s done so much more for me already than I can even describe! I only hope I can do the same for her! I think the best way that I can describe the way she has made me feel is that she makes me feel like I am not a widower! I think everyone on this site can understand how amazing of a feeling that must be! She makes me feel normal, she makes me feel like a strong, handsome, sexy man, she makes me happy, she makes me feel so many things that I thought I wouldn’t feel again for a long time, if ever….and even some things that I have never felt before!

I decided to write this blog because I wanted to share this feeling with other widow/ers on the site. I don’t know what the future holds for her and I, but I know that she has managed to remove that widowed feeling that I think we have all felt hanging over our heads, and I appreciate the pants off of her for doing that for me! I want those to know who don’t already, it can and will get better! Not only can it stop hurting, you can feel good again, excited and hopeful! Happy!

Nathan