We all know the "look". It's the one that says "Let me say hi and get away before she starts talking about him again", or "Oh no, she is going to mention his name-again". It's "I feel sorry for her but she should have moved on by now", it's the " Oh God, this is awkward and I am going to look away because I am so glad it's not me" look. It's all that and more, and we have all experienced it. It comes from family, friends, co-workers, etc. I have been getting that look for almost 6 years and it still hurts and makes me sad and sometimes angry. Yet, I am trying to understand that people are more comfortable and more willing to spend time with me if I don't mention Kevin's name. They have their reasons, some of them think it will make me sad or make me cry, some just don't know what to do, some want me to shut up already and move on. They don't understand and I get that. I don't want anyone to have to join the ranks of this club in order to understand. But I feel like a fraud and I feel like I am doing a great diservice to Kevin's memory and to the life we had together if I don't speak about him. I am very aware that time moves on and life is about the living, yadda yadda. I know that and I also know there is never going to be a time when I don't miss him or feel the emptiness and sadness of not having him here. We were suppose to grow old together!
I have moved forward, we all have in our own ways. We found this place. I get up, I go to work, I do all the things non-widowed people do. One step forward, two steps back- somedays. In almost 6 years there are days, moments when it is not so blindingly raw and there are other moments when it feels like something ripped the scab off a wound. There are still times I am brought to my knees with a deep sadness. Then I get back up because that's what we do. I keep coming back here. Even after all this time, I am grateful to have a place to still be able speak freely about what this life is like with others who get it, and maybe someone new to this " club" needs to hear that possibility exists.