A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
The Man I Fell In Love With.....................
I’m not always good about putting my thoughts into words, but I wanted to share how I felt tonight. I have a friend, Becky, who has been there for me since Tom died. She keeps telling me to take one step at a time and this is a process to go through. She has never judged me but has been by my side the whole time.
We usually get together on Wednesdays, to exercise and to have dinner and a couple of drinks. Tonight we started talking about Tom, I told her how we met and how much I totally fell head over heels in love with him. Not that it was perfect in the beginning, we were both very independent and stubborn and it took us a while to blend our lifestyles and personalities. I did a lot of crying tonight but today was 3 months since Tom died.
What opened my eyes and I’m not sure if I’m saying it right, that since Tom was diagnosed in May of 2009, he became different. He beat the esophageal cancer through intense chemo and radiation (he was in a trial) and had major surgery in October of 2009 but his personality changed a little from the beginning. It took him several months to get over the surgery, they took out his esophagus and pulled up his stomach to make it into an esophagus, so his eating habits had to take a drastic change. His stomach became much smaller and so a meal for him was less than a ½ hamburger without the bun and maybe 5 tater tots for an example. He had no problems doing this because he became very ill if he ate too much at one time. Other than having to be very, very careful of his eating, he was decently healthy. During all this time, Tom wouldn’t go any further than one hour away from our home. I don’t have an explanation for this but he was afraid to venture any farther. We celebrated our 20th wedding in May of 2010 and I wanted to go on a cruise or fly to an island. The most I could talk him into doing was going on a beach vacation 30 minutes away from where we lived. It took me until October of 2010 when I talked him into driving 7 hours to go to the Florida Keys on a camping trip. Once he was diagnosed with brain cancer in December of 2010 his personality totally changed and he became very combative.
My point is, sorry if it took so long to get here, I can’t believe how talking with Becky tonight and reminiscing about how I met and fell in love with Tom over 21 years ago was so good and cathartic for me (tears or not). Even though while he was sick I think we grew closer through the process it was different. Sometimes we or I got so caught up in his illness and the day to day stress of it that I really needed to remember why and how we were for so many years and that I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
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Comment by TimetoFly on May 9, 2013 at 12:03am -
I get your saying about the change in your husband. In caring for Michael during his it was Very hard to deal with his personality change. About your friend not being able to handle your sadness...it hurts for sure..particularly when we are so Raw from loss and I mean loss of loved one and ourselves in a way. As time goes on you learn to see that each person had a place in your grieving journey...some are stayers and some are just there for a certain purpose. A bit like the friends we make along the way in life...you are a Mom and meet other Mom's...you are a wife and meet other wives...you had single friends that were left behind as you went on your married way...it's just So much harder when you are raw. It's good to have others who 'get' you and where you are...or have come from. Hugs, D
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Comment by Joyce on February 28, 2012 at 3:43pm -
It's funny how things change and I'm now venting. While I owe a lot to Becky for her help right after Tom died and until just after I wrote this, which was on the 3 month anniversary of his death, she has since decided that I am too sad for her and she has ended our friendship. It really hurt when this happened especially since she had told me I could cry around her whenever I wanted. She just stopped talking to me, but I happened to overhear her say to someone else, "I understand she is having a hard time, but she has become to sad for me to deal with it." I try to remember how much she helped me and that just like everyone here people handle things differently, but we had been friends for a long time.
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Comment by Dawn- Clouds Mum on February 28, 2012 at 2:55pm -
How much I identfy with your last sentence Joyce. For those of us who nursed our life partners through long term illness - 25 years for me - we do sometimes get caught up in the illness and the day to day stress, this is unavoidable though due to circumstance. It is hard to remember the time when Keith was healthy though as we only had two short years together before he became so very ill. I am glad you have a friend who is able to draw the happier memories out for you. I also have a friend who does that for me and I do find that it helps.
There are also the better memories during the years of illness too, the days when his spirit triumphed over the illness and we were able to be more normal - what ever normal was at the time - lol. Try to hold on to your good memories from when your husband was well and the better days during the illness too. Head and neck cancers are difficult to deal with at the best of times and during treatment people do go through a personality change. The treatments are brutal on both the body and the mind, but inside the person is still there, just hiding. (((HUGS))) Dawn
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Comment by heatherL on February 28, 2012 at 12:34pm -
Joyce I think you have expressed something here that many of us feel. In some ways those of us who have struggled with long-term illnesses of our spouse, really lost them in bits and pieces. still so hard to have them gone. ((hugs))
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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on January 13, 2012 at 12:35pm
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Joyce I'm so glad you were able to share your story with your friend and it sounds like you got a little gift from doing it. I think its so important to talk about the one's we've lost, I feel better telling people about KC, I also feel closer to him by reliving our life. I do agree it helps us remember we had a great life before they got sick. Any time you want to relive those good times we love to hear a good story. :) (((Hugs)))
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Comment by Susan B on January 13, 2012 at 11:39am -
((((hugs jean and joyce))))
~Susan B
and blessings to Becky!
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Comment by jean on January 12, 2012 at 12:19pm -
Mike was diagnosed in may of 09 with esophageal cancer also.. it is a brutal cancer. Brutal.. I can relate to everything you said. After the summer of intense chemo and radiation his spread to his liver and they declared him unoperable, one year left.. the cancer also spread to his brain. I have been having trouble remembering him in healthy times and it drives me crazy. I am so happy to hear you could relive your first few years last night. :) ((hugs))
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