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It was horrible. It was beautiful but it's so final now. He's gone. I feel like I'll be a zombie forever. Or this person who doesn't care about anything anymore. I know people move on but not all people...

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Comment by Mac on July 25, 2016 at 8:40pm

Amg10 Sending good thoughts your way. Grief was so intense that first year. I just passed the 4 year mark. I was married for 27-1/2 years, we were a couple for 28 years and best of friends for 37 years. For most, things do get better with time. So much to experience and to discover in this "new life." Grateful for my life with Cindy. Grateful that my children are doing so well. 

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on July 24, 2016 at 2:08pm

I'm sorry I'm so late with my comment on  your blog. 4 mos. is not a long time.  I remember feeling the way you do for what seemed an eternity. I'm sorry to say that what Laurajay writes is the truth. Grief takes TIME. Yes, it does take a toll, but it is not insurmountable.  Try to take care of yourself as if you were taking care of a friend going through this.  Rest A LOT. Take lots of hot baths. Put lotion all over yourself. Try to eat. Go to bed early. All of this will help you with emotional balance.  But also give yourself time to grieve. Time to sit in your car, or on a deck, or wherever, and listen to sad songs and cry.  I cried a lot in the shower.  It made me feel better, as I needed a release for all the sadness and fear.  Be gentle with yourself. Listen to yourself.  You feel like you don't care about anything right now, and that is understandable.  A huge chunk of your heart has been ripped out.  But your heart will heal. It will still have a scar forever and for always, but after it heals you will be able to help someone who is feeling the way you do right now.  My deepest sympathies for your loss, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Comment by Amg10 on July 11, 2016 at 1:12pm
Wow.. Laurajay. Thank you so much for the detailed helpful message. I guess part of me knows since I'm so young (turned 40 2 mos ago) that I most likely will (maybe) remarry or something similar. but I dunno. I am putting the cart way before the horse. I am doing considerably well. It's eerie really. I think because I grieved his loss approximately 2 months prior to him actually passing. I think knowing how HORRIBLE he was and how bad the condition was and there was no way I could ever fix him and though I tried for FIVE years and I know I did all I could. And I know the doctors did all they could. So seeing him hurt and not breathe and beg for air and beg for help. I do know he's in a much better place despite my loneliness..
Comment by laurajay on July 11, 2016 at 11:19am

Amg10.  4 yrs for me and the strange feeling and being alone has not worsened  BUT  it has  changed.  I was married only once to one man for 44yrs- no . Unexpected death with no reason-no illness, not old age nor an accident, no reason-he just died one day.  Lots of us in that category. Your feelings are common and normal. No one will cause you to just take up with the first man who pays attention to you.  You just say no  until you have had enough time to grieve and your fear lessens. Read stories here of people who got involved too soon and then felt guilty or uncomfortable and had regret . You are starting a difficult but not impossible journey.  Explore your options for a while and don't make  any big decisions.   Eat well, get enough sleep.   Distract yourself when you are lonely and anxious  with hobbies  or groups of widows or volunteer . Just keep busy but don't get too tired.  You will feel lousy now and then.  You may feel like you are going crazy.  You are not.

  TIME is the biggest healer.  And grief can take/demand  tons of time...but baby steps are necessary to process all of this and you are just beginning.  Trust yourself.  Become your own best friend and do some reading about grief so it will not seem so fearful to you... Breathe.  Slowly.  You will not always feel like you do today  but you must give it time.   Stay in touch.

Comment by Amg10 on July 10, 2016 at 6:38pm
2 1/2 years...? Omg. See that's what I'm afraid of. If this strange feeling and fear of being alone lasting that long. This whole thing is so bizarre I've never really been alone and now I am and I don't wanna just hook up with the first person who pays me attention but man you never know with me.
Comment by horizon on July 10, 2016 at 3:50pm

Hi Amg10

What you wrote right there, is so much how I felt at the beginning too. This (death) wasn't supposed to happen!! I felt like so much was robbed from me-and my kids! What about the future we had planned, and the parenting still to do, etc, etc (I won't keep going because I know you probably have those and tons more questions). ... I remember feeling numb, and then at moments I would get those sharp pangs that take over...

I read somewhere that we may not "move on"-how when we've lost our loves and with them the future we had envisioned..?-- But, we can move forward. That was helpful for me. Also, trying to see more than a day ahead was terrifying... so I stopped doing that and took just one day at a time like others here said. Sometimes it was just an hour at a time, but that's okay!

I also read that it's like the waves...sometimes you feel okay, the pain just below the surface, and other times, it takes over and tumbles you down, and you think you can't breathe...and then you find air again and you'll be okay for a while. At 2.5 years, I can say that is true for me...

Take care.

Comment by Deana1950 on July 9, 2016 at 7:32am
Amg10, my heart aches for you because I have been where you are and felt all the emotions you mentioned. Like Pointbass, I am also new to this site and have found the blogs and blogging helpful. Here you are among friends who are on the same journey. Peace to you.
Comment by Pointbass on July 9, 2016 at 5:25am
I'm new here, too, my wife of 35 years died May 25th. You'll find much comfort here, the folks on this site all have the same horrible reason for being here. Everyone understands that healing is a complicated process and you'll be able to take your time. Tell your story at your own pace and folks will respond. I found it very helpful to read the blogs written, so many similarities. I'm sorry for the reasons you had to seek out this group. Peace, Ed

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